SAHP, money issues

[Belling112]

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

You haven't got any spending money because you don't earn anything. A lot of folk who go out to work and pay bills have no money left for spending on coffees and days out.

Ok OP so let me get this straight.
You are caring for the DSC, are funding him and DC and you out of your meagre pot you are given.

The ex is not paying CMS? Are you absolutely sure of that? If she has a career she should be.

Yes you should get your autonomy back by going back to work

You have a negotiation point here. You are saying he won't pay anything, well you then tell him you are no longer doing any care for his DC. None. He will have to work that out unless you work out a shared care schedule that enables you to go back to work.

Stick to your guns OP, tell him it's over unless you are able to get back to work.

Surely if you’ve only got £5 left in your bank account then you don’t go out for the day and then stop for lunch in a cafe? You either take sandwiches/snacks with you or you tell DSC that you will be eating at home? That applies whether you work or not.

Your husband sounds like a controlling arse, but it does also sound like you’re not budgeting for your days out very well. I work part time and I (unfortunately!) don’t have unlimited money to spend during my time with DD, so some weeks we have more exciting days out than others. How old is DSC, are they are home with you during the day too?

You know what? Normally I ignore your misogynistic comments. I just assume everyone knows you support #TeamWanker and they move on. But on this thread is very clear OP is being financially abused. Very clear. And your comments are hurting her ability to see the situation for what it is.

Please take your musings to different threads where they are less damaging.

For the millionth time: her DH doesn't want her to work, doesn't see childcare as a joint expense, is opaque about his income, gives her less than it costs to pay for HIS child, and takes and CB. Regardless of what he earns, this is abusive.

I don't think the people who find this hard to understand actually pay thier own bills. After paying high rent food shopping, utilities etc there may not be much left over.

I did take snacks for the babies and DSC and ate at them at the museum. But we spent longer than we had anticipated there and when we left my DSC was hungry. He's a great kid, very polite and considerate and helps me out heaps with his siblings. I'd find it hard to say no to buying him a sandwich if he's hungry. This was in the summer holidays.

But then again, should I have left the house in the first place? I paid 6£ for the bus, museum was free admission, took snacks for the kids, and wasn't planning on having lunch out. This is why I'm asking other SAHP how they manage.

This is exactly it! He doesn't see childcare as a shared expense- he considers it my responsibility since he is the breadwinner and pays for everything, so if I choose to work, I should cover childcare expenses to allow me to do so. Sometimes it doesn't sound too unreasonable?

Your husband should absolutely be giving you extra money during the holidays to account for the fact that you’re looking after his child and entertaining him. It’s not fair for that to fall on you.

I don’t know how other SAHPs manage to be honest, we can’t afford it. I assume that they either have very wealthy partners or they budget very carefully. All I meant was that lots of people (especially at the moment, sadly) have limited funds at certain times of the month so have to plan our days out accordingly. It just sounded a bit like you might be doing what I am absolutely guilty of, which is spending more money than I should on nice things for DD and basically telling myself that didn’t count as ‘spending’ because it was on nice stuff for her during our time together.

I think I, like someone above, might have detracted from the fact that your husband is behaving appallingly towards you though, so I apologise for that. It wasn’t my intention.

Well that makes much more sense.

@Belling112 How expensive is childcare in your area? If you took on that expense yourself, is that equal to the cost of accommodation and everything else he currently pays for? If so, I’d let him continue being the breadwinner he wants to be but make it clear I’m working too, even if it means he’s at home at weekends alone with the kids.

I was a sahm and we had a joint account. I had full access to all family money.

Obviously we discussed large purchases, and I was sensible with the spending, but we viewed my DH salary as our joint income.

OP you have no idea if the £250 from your DH is all he can afford or if he’s got thousands in disposable income for himself every month! You need to know that!!

To be honest I think either way you need to go back to work

Your problem is that if you’re out of the workplace too long, it’s very difficult to get back in at the same level. Even part time work, even if childcare costs are barely covered, you need to keep a foot in the door of your career.

Your H wants you at home because then he’s in control of you as well as the money. Beware though- men like this often demand an equal financial contribution from their wives/ partners once the children no longer need full time childcare.

The problem with you paying for all childcare while he pays for everything else means that he retains control. I’m sure you’d be happy for a fair split of finances once you earn again, as long as it’s joint decision making .

It’s worth checking what’s available in terms of support if you were to separate. Do you actually live this man? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of you having an allowance like a child, rather than access to joint funds. And even if this is a system you are happy with, the amount you receive should be arrived at by discussion; what are your monthly needs? How much does this actually come to? How much can he reasonably afford to set aside for this? It's very concerning that you are being kept in the dark about his finances. I don't know where you live, but £250 would get me absolutely nowhere and I am really not a big spender.

Yes, he is earning the money - but you are still working. He is only able to do the job that he does because you are a SAHP. And if staying at home all day is impacting your mental health, then getting out and about isn't a frivolous "want" - it's a need.

You need to have a proper discussion about all this and make it very clear that this cannot continue.

Op your DH basically just gives you the child benefit for the month of the 3 children!

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Your husband doesn't understand that a marriage is a partnership, and it's utter madness (not to mention financial abuse) to keep half the team in the dark about finances. It's not normal or acceptable, and you shouldn't be living life like this: It's very short, and you need to advocate for both you and your kids. I wish you the absolute best of luck, but please, please stop cowing yourself for a man not giving you the respect that you deserve as a wife AND a human being.

Take a packed lunch with you. I have 4dc and have to do this routinely for day trips. Too expensive otherwise. Always plan ahead and you will never have hungry DC when out and about!!

Are you making this up? This is obviously not ok behaviour on his part.

Well if they both work, all expenses should be shared so if OP pays childcare and he pays rent, bills and food I can’t see a problem with that unless there’s a gigantic income disparity.

It’s coercive behaviour to make sure she stays at home. She has absolutely no idea how much he earns or what the expenses are.

so mum of SC does not see the child? At all? Why? This all a bit odd and im questioning your H over this given hes abusibg you financially. M

childcare is both your costs. Surely returning to work for mental health needs is the best thing for you? Hes not supportive. Id really be pushing this op. What is his job if you dont mind me asking. Dont go into detail just vague job title.

Absolutely.
It definitely isn't your fault OP.

You need to take action and soon.

@Belling112

"To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£."

He ate in front of you and your kids while you didn't get to have anything?

It is completely unreasonable. They are both your children. It is both your responsibility to pay for the childcare for them. You should be splitting your costs in proportion to your relative wages once you start working again. So if you earn say 30% of the total household income, you pay 30% of the childcare costs. And it could be argued that you should pay absolutely nothing at all for the childcare (afterschool, holiday camp etc) for the DSC.

The more you write, the more the financial abuse becomes clear. This situation could resolve, but he needs to have a huge reawakening and it needs to happen quickly.

you are absolutely correct that the problem is autonomy. You both should have the same freedom and the same degree of choice. You should have the same voice in financial decisions. If he won’t open up the books today, give you full access to all the accounts, and change how things are run, then you really need to start planning to leave.

You don’t have to tell him your plans. I wouldn’t say a word until the day you are ready to leave immediately.

he should be paying 100% of the childcare for your step-child and then you should be splitting the cost for the remaining children proportionally. He should be doing all the drop off and pickups for your step-child and half for your shared children. This formula goes on and on.

now you can adjust this strict rule, by him financially compensating you to make up for the long term damage you are incurring to your career by doing more than your share. This is what many couples end up doing because it is more practical. It is why when my husband got a huge bonus at work, I was the one who got a fancy new car. Our money is completely shared because it’s the only real way to compensate me for my years of taking on more responsibility for our child, even with me now working.