Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

Did you read the updates? Or too lazy?

You are being unreasonable because you are being controlling.

If you don't like how something is being done, you can discuss it together and see how best to compromise.
Maybe your husband doesn't agree with your plans and ideas about what should or shouldn't be done.

To me this sounds like you didn't like the mess that comes with having a nursery aged child at home or agree with his parenting methods, because you would have done things differently. Unfortunately, if you are bringing up a child together, then you can't have things all your own way.

Blimey, what a strange viewpoint. Can you really not see how the OP feels?

To quote a PP "As per my previous comment" your assessment/advice is lazy.

I think even after your update yabu op , I had 2 quite chilled toddlers really they weren't hard work and I had time to tidy up ,but my best friends toddler was hard work she struggled to get anything done with the house and was knackered . You said yourself your toddler is difficult so I can understand nothing getting done or taking him out .

💤

Read the update ffs.

The problem, of which there are several, is "I decided" when it should be "we decided".

He isn’t a shite dad he is good in some ways but can be a little lazy unless he has something to get out of the house for. If I was working 15 hours 3 days and evening. I would be taking DS out in the day the food shopping would be done and dinner would be on.

He’s gone into town now to walk round the shops but he hates going food shopping so I will end up going when I finish work.

He is good at washing the clothes and putting them away though! So I will give him credit for that but it’s not enough.

Sure if you were working part time during the day and DH works 3 evening a week at least 3 bedtime were your responsibility and I would say ideally the other 4 should be shared equally so DS gets equal time
with you both. So if DH is doing 2 out of 7 bedtimes then DS not being put to bed until late is mostly your responsibility.

I have, have you? It describes DC as being quite a handful and DH is clearly exhausted. That doesn't make hin a "lazy fucker" as much as being overwhelmed and unable to cope. The proper response from a caring partner would be to discuss how they can improve the situation, not to behave in a controlling manner and make decisions (decisions that directly impact DH) without firstly consulting DH.

You're right OP it's not enough.
I would only think you were unreasonable if you didn't give him an ultimatum/chance to do better first.
Going for a walk around the shops without actually doing the shopping is straying into LTB territory if that's his regular style.

Lots of women have children in nursery and don't work or work PT why is it different for a man?

He’s gone into town now to walk round the shops but he hates going food shopping so I will end up going when I finish work.

So everything he doesn't want to do he leaves for you? That's not a partnership. You wouldn't do that to him would you.

He can casually wander round the shops while you're working, well if he didn't want DC in nursery he should've taken him shopping too. Does he take an active interest in being a father or does he just want the fun parts?

Sorry, he's a shit dad. He couldn't be arsed to look after his son when he had him at home, but didn't want him to go to nursery.

House a mess
He doesn't do anything
Sleeps in the day on the sofa
Doesn't take DC out
Doesn't do food shopping
Doesn't put dinner on

Oh but wait, washes the clothes and puts them away ✅️

Anyway, I'm done responding to your deluded posts. Everyone can see he's lazy. Except you.

When I read the first message I thought well yes, why is your son in nursery when your husband could be looking after him?!

However this reply makes it perfectly clear. So your husband doesn't want to look for more work, nor does he want to parent his child adequately throughout the day, nor does he want to do any of the household tasks.

I think your son will absolutely benefit from nursery and you should tell your husband that you cannot work with a toddler running around the house all day. This is why you have made this decision and therefore he needs to look for additional hours rather than dossing off the whole time.

See he is a good dad but I feel like he is portraying this amazing dad role even more because he doesn’t want to go to work.

Weve been arguing this morning and he said he’s the only one that cares about the kids. I want to be here if they need me and I want to be here when they finish school so I can ask how their days are ect. I understand that but I’m sure all us parents wish we could do that.

If he was a really good stay at home dad I wouldn’t even have put DS in nursery. But he was rubbish! I would come downstairs in between meetings and DS was messing around and he’s curled up in a ball on the sofa

Why don't you actually talk to DH? Instead of making passive aggressive moves and decisions hoping he will change. Also why are you not working FT if you're under financial stress and he has been the SAHP?

I am now waiting to see if It transpires DH is neglectful / games all day / is generally useless

And it is...
I struggle to believe household chores are dividely fairly with a man who by your own admission leaves the house a tip falls asleep and wont walk his toddler to a park let alone organise a structured activity.

Whatever else you.do get on decent contraception

I suppose you know your husband's attitude to childcare as well as work. Does he genuinely want to stay home with them and will do an okay job? Or is he just a bit lazy all round and borderline negligent? My husband and I have different styles but we both do 'okay' at childcare and keeping the house ticking -- and are both hard workers.

I've tried to WFH while my husband looked after my toddler and it's a nightmare with them banging on the door but I've also been in the reverse situation and it's pretty much impossible to keep them away when they know the other parent is home. The best option is to take them out somewhere for at least a few hours a day before the nap/s. If your husband wants to stay at home, maybe he needs to agree to up his game (take toddler out in the mornings, do set bedtimes)? You could then maybe work 40 hours -- from an office even to avoid WFH with toddler around. Otherwise, yes, nursery and husband goes back to work.

He sounds bone idle. Surely part of the SAH contract is a reasonable amount of the domestic chores taken care of and stimulated little ones where the parent takes them out, engages in various activities etc.

Lounging around all day and going 'for a walk around the shops' would give me the proper ick.

YANBU

This is straying into ltb territory. Don’t let him take half your pension, savings etc in a divorce in 20 years time when the kids are grown up and you’ve earned the lions share of the money.

What age is your child? My daughter is almost 3, she started going to nursery for 3 hours 4 mornings a week last term and this term is going in for almost 7 hours 2 days a week. She is quite like your son, high energy, a little destructive and has a tendency to try and jail break into her dad’s office. I am currently SAH but looking for something that fits around her and is related to my qualifications as I do find being at home boring!

Nursery makes a huge difference for her, she loves the kids and teachers and they seem to be far better at teaching her good behaviours like tidying up than me (I get No back a lot!). I think it’s great for their social development at that age and they learn ao much from each other. I think going back to work is inevitable and honestly it may get him out of a rut! My little bro is a bit like your husband and when he was a SAHD wasn’t motivated to go out much and lay around a lot but now he’s been pushed into getting a job, even though he is over qualified and underpaid for it he seems happier than he was at home. It does sound like your husband is like my bro (a little lazy and unmotivated) so you may need to give him an ultimatum or something to motivate him to work!

Get out while you can.

All that being here if they need me stuff - that's what we all want but actually that's more for our benefit isn't it?
What he actually wants is to potentially be there, but not too actually do anything. That's not a good dad. Leaving all the heavy parenting and house running to your partner so that they lose out on quality time with their kids is also not being a good parent. It's being a downright selfish one.
Don't bother arguing with him. He won't change his mind, because believing he's wonderdad allows him to pull this shit on you.
You just need to tell him what you expect from the marriage, and what will happen if he won't do his share.