Can I have your honest opinion on this situation please!

[Mrsgrapesauce]

I work 30 hours so I am at home all day WFH.
DH works 5 hours 3 evenings a week.

I have put DS into nursery 6 hours a day 4 days a week and DH doesn’t agree with me says it’s wrong and selfish and that DS is to young.

I have told DH now the kids are at school and nursery he needs to be looking at going into full time work or working more hours.

His argument is that he wants to be at home and be here for the kids if they need him.

My work is very flexible so I can up and leave if I need to.

I want to take some of the stress of my self paying all bills holidays days out ect.

aibu?

@Mrsgrapesauce

Eh?

Your DH works 5 hours, 3 evenings a week? So 15 hours a week? Is this a joke?

WHY does he work so few hours? Is he even making any national insurance contributions?!

But the OP is working.

DH was looking after DS previously during the day. But nothing was getting done house was a mess DH was falling asleep on the sofa. He wasn’t taking him anywhere it was the same thing day in day out Ds was running into my office when I was in meetings it was a nightmare. DS is a very difficult child he’s needs structure and routine he was staying up to nearly 11 at night before! He’s been to nursery 2 days and he is already a much better child.

So I decided to put DS into nursery as this might give DH a push to find some better work and also giving DS more structure.

We both share household chores

Because those are the hours that are available? Because that was the only job that would allow him to work and be at home during the day for the children? Because the employer didn’t want to offer any more hours so they wouldn’t have the expenses that come with employing someone for 16 hours a week or more?

As per my previous comment, he's a lazy fucker.

ok - given DH sounds like a terrible SAHP, YANBU 😂

I don't understand. Why isn't he looking after the kids at home if that's what he wants?

Yeah I doubt that very much.

Your decision makes sense, but it still betrays a woeful lack of communication between the two of you. Was there a point at which you said, you have to be a much more active carer or I will have to put child into nursery?

But sometimes I despair of people. My DH was the SAHP and was perfectly active and competent. We sent DS to nursery one day a week as a toddler as it was nice for him to play with other children. DD went to nursery for 3 days and DH got a job for those days.

Your husband is lazy how can he not care that your doing the majority of the work load. Your basically a single parent.

Right, so DH does minimal work for £££££ and is a shite SAHP, so you end up doing the majority of childcare, housework AND earning the money.

Why are you still married to him?

I really don't understand why people don't give relevant information in the first place if they want people's honest opinions on a situation.

Him not actually looking after your son while he's home all day is massively relevant and will obviously change the responses.

I'm not sure that nursery will solve the fundamental issue of your DH not doing anything. Although it sounds like it will benefit your son.

Ok, so reading your update, I think it needs a conversation of what works best for your family. I think it’s reasonable to work 15 hours per week and take the child care duties, but he needs to be able to manage DS and provide structure. If he isn’t, then it’s better to look for a nursery. Have an open conversation about expectations and what’s best for DS?

Really depends how old the child is! Nursery means different things to different ppl. For me, nursery is 2-3 yo, then kindergarten, then reception.
but you do say it wasn’t working and since starting, in just 2 days your kid is happier so sounds like it was the right decision!
dh can work, you’re flexible anyway, and with the extra income, you can afford a cleaner for a couple of hours to keep on top of housework.
but it doesn’t sound like dh is on the same page as you. He’s only asking now about why kid is out. Why did he not know before? Seems odd he wouldn’t have known and thought about what he’d like to do with the time.

So he's working while they are home but wants to be home all day alone to "be thre for them"? Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

Sounds like a difficult situation.

How long has your DH been primarily a SAHP? How did the initial agreement come about?

Reading your last post YANBU. It sounds like your DH is looking for an easy ride and using 'childcare' as an excuse to not work. If he was looking after the kids properly that would be different. If you carry on as you were, chances are your DS would struggle a lot with the transition to school if he's not used to going to bed at a sensible time etc.

I agree that its frustrating that such important information wasn't included in the first post and also agree that him attending nursery won't actually resolve your real issue.

I think the decision to have a stay-at-home parent is one that has to be a joint decision, whatever the circumstances. I have been the sole breadwinner at times and it really is another layer of stress.

Usually I would say the same for the decisions on placing a child in a nursery, but given your update, it seems like you've taken the decision for the good of your child, so I really can't blame you on that!

The issues sounds like pretty serious ones - have you been able to talk them through with him at all, or won't he discuss it? Would you consider counselling?

So I decided to put DS into nursery as this might give DH a push to find some better work and also giving DS more structure.

Why do you get to decide on that. I think it's something you should have discussed and given DH a chance to change things round so it works, on paper your setup sounds ideal, one parent working almost full time, and the other working part time in the evenings and able to do childcare in the daytime?

What is the real problem here? If you are only working 30 hours a week and DH is only working 15 hours a week you should be pissing all the household chores between you? Don't you communicate at all?

If OP is stressed trying to pay bills why isn't she working FT? If DH is the SAHP why is she only working the equivalent of a 4 day week? If she increased her hours to FT, boom thats a 20% increase on earnings right there.

Aldo if you read the OP properly it isn't that DH only needs to be there in case the kids need him. DH needed to be there to look after DC, but OP shipped said child off to nursery without discussing it (hence adding financical pressure onto the family) and instructed DH to find additional work.

I think you should do what is best for your children, and also for yourself. IMO, your DH is lazy and sponging off you rather than fulfilling there role of a SAH parent, and is extremely unlikely to change his ways. Make your decisions based on the reality of the situation rather than what you hope it might be.

Your ability to read the OP correctly, assess the siutation and provide adequate advice is the thing that's lazy here.

Exactly. He wants to be 'home with the kids' so who isn't he?

It’s very tricky working from home with young children present, if the parent who is supposed to be looking after them isn’t doing it properly so I can understand why you have resorted to nursery. However I think you need to speak to him to explain the issues and come to a decision as to how to move forward with work and parenting together.