Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

My mother was like this absolutely awful. She rocked up at my SILs to give her more hassle. My SIL refused to let her in and called the police. I admired her for that. Took me another 15 years to go NC.

I told my children when adults to do what they wanted. They chose to ignore her too.

If it's just him and her though, she will drip, drop and pour the poison.

And if he has been damaged by her all his life, it may seep in and fester.

If you were to go, you could set instructions about behaviour from the start. Keep an eye on her and make sure he's aware she's doing it.

How old is everyone?

(Also, is she Italian?)

Let her.

If the husband is like that, then maybe the OP needs to have a rethink of her whole relationship, if he isn't prepared to put his wife first and to deal with his mother appropriately.

Can I just say that this post has really resonated with me after going nc with my siblings after years and years of emotional abuse

They think it’s a joke and they’re not going

Yep, some surprisingly wide of the mark comments from a couple of regulars on here. The DH clearly has a DW problem, not the other way round.

This past year it's been an effort every day for me to not give in to it. People who haven't experienced it don't understand that it's never just a meal, it is never just that person opening a door to discussion. It's another avenue of attack, sadly.
After decades of what can only be described as navigating constant torture, (grey rock, kindness, tackling it head on, back to grey rock and all this over and over athousand times) protecting your peace ends up being the only way. I know I tried absolutely everything to have a family bond but there's no reasoning with the unreasonable, there's no love to be found where someone only wants to win.

Protect your peace.

Wishing you well.

Over my fucking dead body is a complete sentence.

Love it

@Conniebygaslight yes he has a sister. But they went nc 20 years ago……

She may be trying to control you all through manipulation.

She may see herself as the head of the household, an old way of exerting control of the younger members of a family rather than her meeting you and your DH half way in a compromise.

Communicate with her, your DH should do this as he is her son and hopefully that may break the ice.

Let her demand a family meeting all she likes. Doesn’t mean you, your husband or children have to be free to attend.

MIL wants access so she can have another go.

DH has the most skin in this game so I’d listen to him then say ‘if not now, when’. I’m all for keeping the peace but now he’s got to hear & accept MIL can’t see you or the DC. Go to dinner and in exchange, he doesn’t tell her when you move house.

You have a big, fat dh problem. He won't stand up to mummy. In your shoes I would be giving ultimatums to dh. He can have a relationship if he chooses somewhere outside of your home, but you and the adult children will not be a part of it.

Set boundaries and mean them. Your dh likely needs trauma counseling since he was raised by that woman. In the meantime, though, make it clear to him that neither you nor your adult children will allow her to abuse you one more minute.

Stick to your guns, OP, and put the problem squarely where it belongs, on your dh. The only reason you're all in this mess is because he's too weak and damaged to stand up to her. That must change.

Blimey. If dh wasn't an only I'd swear we had the same mil.

We're nc. It came from dh (eventually). But I've never forced my children to spend time with them from as soon as they were old enough to offer an opinion. Me and dc1 stopped seeing them a long while before dh and dc2 (dc2 always likes to try and see the best in people, even they gave up eventually when they realised how badly their dad was treated).

Dh was apprehensive about what others may think in the beginning I feel, and that there's really something not right about cutting off the people who brought you into this world, but he deserved so so much better and he's much more relaxed than when they were on the scene.

I'm really sorry you've had to put up with this shite @Pleeeeaaasehelp. Don't put yourself through it any more. And try and help your see the light!

What peace?

There nothing peaceful about an international round-table on how mean you've all been, lol.

All the emails and messages would just be ignored, or if you must reply, book at table for one.

Why do you keep going to the buffet when you're the one on the menu?

This is really good! Sometimes all it takes is someone to say something simple like this for things to start becoming clear.

Shit really will hit the fan if I don’t go to her demanded dinner!

Why, what's she going to do?
If it's turn up and refuse to leave your doorstep, call the police (obviously never let her in) ... if she calls the landline to rant at DH leave him to it ... if she cries at other family members leave them to it too since it seems they've got her measure anyway

To my mind there's far too much drama attaching itself to this; you don't have to go so don't, and tthen just ignore any hysterics which follow

Op the main reason I put up with my ILs (although they are nowhere near as bad as your mil) is out of respect that they are my DC's dgps. If my dcs had a poor relationship with them and deservedly so, I wouldn't bother at all.

I’m in a very similar position, daughter in early twenties has seen through mil and released she make no effort but that’s our fault for lack of communication 🙄

you have raised sensible kids. Listen to them.

Is she in contact with your Mil or DH or neither?

@Conniebygaslight
sister is still in contact with mil, they’re thick as thieves!

Oh good. That should make things easier for DH.

Ok, so she did just show up this evening. DH let her in. I had a migraine so sat in another room. Youngest dd was in. Mil started up, dd was having none of it, discussed boundaries, rudeness, meaness etc… and said no to dinner with her. MIL insisted things need to be discussed another time, dd leaves the house. I go to bed. Just DH and MIL left, for the first time ever, he’s raised his voice to her. She left after about an hr.