Mil forcing dinner

[Pleeeeaaasehelp]

I’ll make it brief. Mil has never liked me, never really tried to hide it even in front of the kids( constant rudeness and belittling). We don’t see her often as she lives abroad. She’s not your normal Gma, never Birthday or Xmas gifts! But every time we do see her someone ( usually more than one!) ends up in tears when she leaves.
Now the kids are all young adults they don’t want anything to do with her. They pretend phones aren’t working etc…. However that comes back on me.. I’ve turned them against her.
I really haven’t.
For 30 years I’ve put up with her emotional abuse.
Anyway…. She’s coming over, demanding a family meeting about how badly she is treated in this family.
I’ve finally decided I can’t face her anymore and I don’t want to go. I’ve spent 27 years saying to DH it’s only a week, it’s your mum etc…. ( He gave up years ago)
Aibu.
Go She’s old, you’ve put up with it for this long…..

Uanbu. Don't go, let shit hit the fan, but know you’ve been forced a death by a thousand cuts

Perhaps the message is finally hitting home that unless he stands up to her, he risks losing everything he holds dear.

Good for your DD, she sounds like a star. You did well there

You can’t outrun karma forever.

High five to your daughter @Pleeeeaaasehelp !

Maybe she has realised and wants to amend her ways
Go if you think it may be constructive. But this is your Dhs issue

Ig he goes and wants your support then go

I probably would go as i do believe family is important and its a chance to reach a compromise. You are in different countries so you dont have to see her often and she is your husbands mother

That woman has not amended her ways at all. Only DH growing a pair and spelling out that MIL needs to look at the number of people who won’t speak to her anymore or tolerate her company at all and start asking herself if she is actually the problem for once in her life.

Im condused! She livesxabroad yet just turns up on your doorstep? Does she just get on a plane and arrive?
Tbh, you've bought this upon yourself; it should have been dealt with early doors, but you've let you DH get away with allowing his mother to be rude to you for decades, and your children have seen how she treats you and how you have allowed yourself to be treated
Tell her to meet (not in your home) by all means, tell her what you think of her, then leave. Let "the shit hit the fan"
Alternatively, carry on as before

But that’s what I’ve been doing for all these years!
And the situation has just slowly got worse.( as others have rightly said here, we’ve enabled it)
Im not going.

Yes my dd was an absolute star last night. MIL backtracked denied saying and doing things, said there were misunderstandings on both sides etc…. But didn’t apologise or accept any responsibility for anything. Dd very politely stood her ground ‘nonsense grandma this is all on you, I’m done, bye’ and she left……

I agree with this. Why have you pressured your children and your husband to keep in contact with her against their wishes?

When she turns up and DH lets her in, that's your cue to leave the house until she's gone!

Bravo to your DD. I mean it really says something when the DC say things their father should have years ago.

@CortieTat because I’m soft, and in the beginning I didn’t realise what she was like, because I thought family was important the kids need a granny, my DH was indifferent to her. I thought with grandkids she would mellow, I would be able to include her in a wonderful family life etc….
How wrong I was

Then before you k ow it you’re into something you don’t know how to get out of because of the manipulation and gameplay. But as the kids became adults they started to see it….. And here I am, finally putting my foot down, albeit with the accidental help of my dd and MN !

Well done OP and well done DD. A new chapter beckons ...

Well done to your DD, she'll go far in life! x

I was accused of all sorts of crap and eventually they wanted a talk. I went and when they explained all my unreasonable behaviour I said "Yes, that is awful. Not only am I horrible but also mad as I do not remember it this way at all. The only thing we can do is never speak or see each other again to protect you from my dreadful behaviour" Then I left. And haven't spoken to them since. It is a shame as they are in their 80s and DH is so unmotivated (I did all the organisation to see them) that they haven't seen him or DC in 8 years. But they have not apologised or changed their behaviour and the entirely family agrees with us so that is that. More fool them, is all I can say. You need to stop this OP, it is a draining waste of time and energy.

I finally stood my ground aged 50. Should have done it decades earlier, but she was my mum who was never wrong!!

@Pleeeeaaasehelp so what has your hubby said about last night's discussion with his mother? where is she staying while she is in this country? when you move, I wouldnt tell her if I was you! keep it very quiet. she doesnt need to know!

Please when you move don't tell her where you move to, this is a new chapter.

DH and I have families that for the most part are ok but have several annoying / difficult to deal with members that stir up trouble and bad feeling.

Our philosophy is very much the person whose family it is takes the lead (and we basically spend a lot of time telling each other 'this is not my circus; not my clowns!'). It means the person who has the primary relationship makes the call on the course of action and they you enact it as a partnership. It actually sounds like your DH has made that call. You've been kinder for longer than most people would have been. But it's enough now. Don't feel guilt. Decline the meal (and go out so you're not in if she comes knocking!).

Your daughter!! 💐 How old is she? And where did she get her assertiveness, clear boundaries and the ability to articulate them? She sounds amazing.

OP I have a difficult mother who I went NC with 3 years ago, mainly to protect my children. So I get where you are.

I find it odd that you describe her coming to your house as "going to dinner". I thought you meant going to her hotel, a restaurant etc but actually she is coming to your house. It feels to me that you feel so passive and helpless in this that you don't even see your house as your home. You aren't "going to dinner", but she is coming to dinner to you uninvited. You need to mentally reclaim your house as YOUR home!

Go away for the weekend. Warn the neighbours and tell her she is only there to make trouble. Block her number.

Well TG your daughter knows how to stand up for herself and her family.