Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

So my contribution really is worthless then?

You wouldn’t catch the employer going “but it’s not YOU that’s sick, it’s your child!”

WTF? Of course you would. If you are an employee, you cannot take sick leave unless you yourself are sick. To do so is grounds for disciplinary action.

YABU. Pop your 3 year old in front of the TV for a day whilst you rest with the leg elevated.

If your 3 year old goes to nursery you could possibly book her in for some additional sessions.

Sack your physio. Get some good painkillers from your GP.

You'll get a hard time here for being a SAHM but that's because so many of us working mums have to juggle work and childcare and everything else. Also, try doing that with no DH or DP too, some of us even manage that.

No, you said that all her jobs can be easily replaced by hired help. And that in no way SAHM is facilitating his career.

even if the child is at nursery (still £24K a year before free hours), SOMEONE will have to do all his wife did every morning, every evening (and night) and do all household chores. at £15/h.

if you think that he can do this himself and it will have no impact on his career (try have a demanding job and always be there for 6 pm nursery pick up - haha) or his life satisfaction you are delusional

By the way, now nannies are entitled to sick pay, NI, holidays and pensions

I have nothing but respect for working mums - my best friends are working mums and I see the juggling and the effort and the love that goes into that day in and day out. I also have friends who are single parents and they are absolute heroes who I have so much admiration for. They work far harder than I do.

I don’t understand why that means we have to give stay at home mums a hard time though?

Suggesting that the only way for the working partner to continue to work is by paying 50k for a nanny and around the clock housekeeper is just ridiculous and it’s things like this that actually contribute to people taking sahps less seriously.

Usually child minders will take them if he takes that route.

For a non contagious injury like this you could consider inviting a mum friend over for a playdate. Yes hosting is more work than sitting in front of TV but being less lonely helps you manage the pain and having another adult on the kids helps so much it totally makes up for additional children being in the house/park/cafe.

It may be that someone in your network would gladly run around after your child and do physical wrangling if you will listen to their child ask a thousand questions and read the same book over and over.

I agree with you, these responses of well he can only work as you stay home or he’d have to pay for a 24/7 nanny or he’s benefiting hugely as he doesn’t have it stay home with s sick kid and Nanny’s take holidays as a way to try to boost the sahp contribution is ludicrous.

both thr op and hee husband value it. Thats great. End of. We don’t need to pretend its unfeasible for the man to work without her staying home.

Excuse me, that’s not what I am suggesting. We are not even talking about the ways for a working parent blah blah.

we are talking specifically about the value SAHM parent brings to the household- which cannot be easily and cheaply replaced with no impact on husband’s life and career

Yes, it can. No way round it.

It can, but not cheaply and WITH IMPACT on his career.

This is genuinely a lovely suggestion and I will try to think about people who could do this for me if needs be in the future.

The irony is that most of my mum friends are working mums 😂 as has been discussed at length in this thread, most parents are working and so I guess I thought it made more sense for my child’s father to miss work than it did for them? In hindsight maybe not necessary at all but that was my thought process at the time- I don’t have a long list of people to call on x

OP get some ibuprofen gel it's amazing stuff.
Be very aware of how you angle your knee at all times.

Of course it isn't. It's what you and your H have chosen as the contribution that is most needed in your family at this time. Its worth something to you and its worth something to him. You're not married to posters who dont consider it valuable, so its not for them to dicate its worth.
The arguments are mainly arising from people who take it too far (imo) and attempt to monetise it by arguing how much it would cost to replace your work, and only ever looking at the most expensive way of doing it. The majority of families do not have an adult at home full time. The majority of families are nowhere near the income level of nannies and housekeepers, yet they get by.
The other issue that's contentious is when people claim the working person couldn't do their job without the SAHP. This just makes the worker sound so inept, that they couldn't hold down a job without another adult taking on every single responsibility for them. Surely men arent that rubbish at their jobs that they can't combine them with life?
You however have said neither of these extreme things. You have said that you're using a model that works for your family and is good for both of you, so clearly the value of what you do lies in the fact you're both happy with it.

Oh yes of course you can't ask people to take days off work to look after other people's children. It's more if you know other people are around at the same time as you, it's worth joining forces.

It's a while now since I was a SAHP or even part time 😢 and I do think it's more fragmented for people nowadays than it was for me, but it definitely pays to build supportive relationships if you can with others who are at home, on maternity leave, don't work Tuesdays or whatever. Being a SAHP can be tough and isolating unless you take active steps to reach out.

No you’re right, I was mostly being silly, but I will definitely try to keep in mind friends working schedules and see if there’s a way we can all join forces a bit more. Thank you! X

Thank you for all your thoughts and opinions everyone - I’m going to take this down now - but I appreciate everyone’s kind words and insights even if we didn’t always agree! X

it like saying that private jet is the same value as regular air travel because most people get by without it 🤷‍♀️ sure, most people fly economy and are fine but if someone had a private jet and now has to switch to economy it will a noticeable effect on his quality of life, flexibility in life, etc

I’m a single mum tho and I do do all that. Of course my life would be easier if I had a sahp but I can still do my (fairly professional senior) job without one. I don’t buy into this whole “sahw facilitating important man’s career” at all. The women doing these jobs almost never have a sahp.

When your childcare also needs care, it's not really a contribution.

When you're well, of course. When you're trying to drag your husband out of work, not so much. His employer still has to pay him and is out of pocket despite him being able to work, and apparently wanting to.

Women doing these jobs absolutely very often have a SAHP, OR they have nanny/housekeeper. Or they get exhausted.

again, we are saying that she makes his life much easier and as such yes is facilitating his career.

me and my husband both work for companies that routinely have important calls around 6 -7 pm, often at short notice. One would not be able to progress in these companies routinely not attending them, so its either nanny, stay at home partner(life was much easier for my husband when I was home on mat leave) or someone’s career suffers

Cheap in comparison to the ludicrous 50k a year number being bandied about. And no no career impact. You’re posting like single parents unless very high earners or double income families are fucked if they have kids. That’s clearly far from the truth.

as long as the sahp contribution is valued by both parties and it fits with what fhey both want for their family it is all good. There is no need for this ludicrous hyperbole.

Just because you dont like SAHMs doesn’t make this a “ludicrous hyperbole”. The level of flexibility working partner has if he has a stay at home parent is enormous- he/she doesn’t have to worry about child being sick and not going to school/nursery(so having to take time off to cover it), about late work call that’s important to attend, about work drinks that are necessary for work networking, about leaving the office early if trains are delayed to make in time for pick up etc.
yes all of that should be cleared with SAHP but there is a person available for all that at no extra cost. And children are safe in a loving environment and most likely the house is tidy and there is food on the table.

re families “fucked” - well there are plentyof threads here how families with both working parents are utterly exhausted if they have no outside help, and especially if children are very young. All MN says “well these years are exhausting, hang on there!”. Lots of women go SAHM or part time (guess what part time does to their career prospects?)