Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

[Theworldisyouroyster]

So… long story short I am a stay at home mum to a 3 year old. She’s done two mornings a week at nursery since she was 2.5 but the rest of the time she’s home with me and her nursery is term time only so no childcare over the six week summer holiday.

At the start of the summer I hurt my knee badly playing with my daughter - it’s a very painful sprain which keeps flaring up again when I crouch or kneel down. I have been going to a private physio for around a month now and yesterday evening he wanted to ‘test’ it and it went again, absolute agony and I had to hobble out of the surgery.

I hardly slept due to the pain and this morning said I think my husband needs to take the day off work as I can’t walk or properly put any weight on that leg so it wouldn’t be safe for me to solely be in charge of a toddler. He seemed unhappy about this and said I didn’t show any appreciation that he would miss a day off work and that I wasn’t clear in what I wanted. I’m so confused.

I’ve had other health issues this year and have tried to limit how much they affect his work. I just felt like this was a time he needed to step in and say of course I’m going to be at home today, you need to rest up, I’ve got this. Instead I had to convince him grudgingly to stay off and was told I wasn’t grateful enough.

I am grateful but surely this is the bare minimum a partner does when the other one can’t walk? I’m just very sad and weepy at the moment and feel unsupported and like I am seen as a nuisance.

Thank you in advance x

I’ve had a team member ask for annual leave at 8am on the day. I approved as I felt I had no choice despite it being against company policy and it meant that key meetings needed to be rearranged. In this case, it was a divorced father who was the default caregiver for his sick kids during the ex wife’s contact time, so she could continue to work. Frankly our project team should not have been her contingency. It didn’t do him any favours

Well whilst that technically might be true, thankfully it’s not how me or my partner see it ❤️

Exactly who told you that.> do you normally play the martyr? Is this a theme, as it looks like it.

you seem to be an idiot. Not clear what your gender is but seems you are a man.

one, yes, in many jobs you can take time off to be sick and take it suddenly (ie call in the morning that you are not coming in), because people get sick suddenly. It not “pulling a sickie” (are you a builder?)

two, you seem to have zero idea about the cost of nannies and cleaners, which are now AT LEAST £15 per hour. A full time nanny from 9 am to 6 pm ONLY with all the taxes, NI and pension that employer has to pay now costs about 40–50K a year. Do you want to calculate evenings, nights + daily housekeeper? 😄
so yeah, the OP is saving their family A HELL OF A LOT of money and is totally facilitating the career of her husband.

me and my husband are top earners and even we can’t afford 24-7 nanny and daily housekeeper so the idea that any man will just be able to afford them to replace his wife’s work is laughable

Ok, but still it’s factual, the bills need paying no way round it.

I’m not arguing with that x

Oh goody you must be a man, nope. Try harder.

and again. How do you think single parents cope. All on the dole?

Why are all the “four Yorkshiremen” on n here insisting that they were soldiering on as single/working parents not taking a similar hard line with the dh? Where is his ability to do two jobs at once? To manage a simple 3 year old childcare issue and his work life and career? I love the people discounting OP’s job as mere childcare, no biggie, lady of leisure whose work could easily be substituted for by a nanny and a cleaner without disturbing his career progression. God forbid nanny ever expect a holiday or sick day or NI payments. Should she also be grateful for his condescension in employing her?

And what the fuck ever with partners have less duty to care than employers?

Don't understand the 'but your DH has to earn money' argument. In households where both parents work, they need to take time off if a childcare provider is unable to provide childcare. Why is this different?

Who said anything about 24/7 nannies or housekeepers?

Personally I wouldnt ask my dp to take time off in those situations, as others have said I'd just have a relaxed PJ day with the little one, but maybe ask him to sort dinner and bedtime so you can rest later.

I wonder what your wider network is like and if it's worth cultivating that, so you have other options for support in future?

no, not on the dole.
they use nursery (still 24K a year, but nowhere near individual level of attention that a nanny at home would give) and then DO EVERYTHING THEMSELVES (clean, cook, look after children morning and evening). And they are exhausted and many struggle to devote meaningful time to career progression.

so the husband will not be able to have nanny and housekeeper in the 50/50 scenario and will have to pull his head out of his ass and start doing half of everything his wife was doing.

(but you clearly are a man, and with no children)

Why would he pay 50k for a nanny for one child when he could put her in preschool with wrap around or a day nursery with 30 free hours?
Your argument isn’t even logical. The OP’s value and contribution isn’t anything to do with this thread but she isn’t “saving him” 50k by not working.

Sunshineandtequila said that in case of divorce its easy to replace everything that SAHM was doing by hiring nanny and cleaner to do her jobs,
which does mean nanny that’s available day and night and daily housekeeper

because we are comparing apples to apples. SAHM is individual childcare at home, not childcare in a group setting. Nanny is the closest equivalent.

(And not everyone is entitled to 30 hours and someone will still have to do after nursery hours etc.)

OP - a word of warning from someone with chronic knee pain (waiting to be old enough to have it replaced) - the NHS is not great with knees. To be referred to an orthopaedic consultant you have to have 6 sessions with an NHS Physio who decides if you should be referred. The consultant, if you are referred to one, will decide if you need an MRI or other scans/tests. Here the wait to see an approved physio is 13 weeks. The GP can't refer for an MRI as locally they have to follow the protocol.....

I bypassed the NHS and self referred to a private knee specialist. MRI (£800) confirmed serious damage so had an operation (£2000). The operation has relieved some of the symptoms but the ongoing pain (and the fact my knee can dislocate for no reason other than it feels like it - I'm very good at popping it back in) will only be relieved by a knee replacement. The NHS won't consider it until I'm at least 60 and privately I need about £10k to get it done. So for now it's daily pain relief, strapping when it's particularly bad and just getting on with my life.

I hope you get some relief soon but keep up with strapping and medication in the meantime.

neither dh or I are low earners and we both work. It’s bloody hard work when there’s no stay at home parent. I start late as I do drop offs, dh leaves early to collect them and bring them home and start dinner 6:15 at the earliest, after dinner and showers and doing their reading we spend our evenings tidying and meal prepping and doing admin and getting their stuff ready for the next day. I had my 2yo home sick for a day last week and dh picked her up early on Monday with a bump on her head. We both managed to dash off to see our 9yo in a race. It’s really full on juggling work and making sure our dc feel like their parents are present, and people who have a parent at home doing that really do have their career facilitated. The 6 months when I went back to work after my 3rd baby and dh stayed home on parental leave were the easiest 6 months of my life since I first fell pregnant over 10 years ago.

Why do people so easily commandeer the support of other women—thats what “wider network” means in practice— so that the all important men are never discommoded? What other woman is available unpaid to take care of op and toddler?

He doesn’t need the closest equivalent to work. He simply needs good childcare. A child minder or nursery, like most of the working population.

Well yes but I don’t think the op has three kids.

I wonder if in this situation it's less about whether or not he takes the day off and more about his acknowledgement of you having a difficult time. Would it have felt different for example if he'd said something along the lines of "I'm really sorry I can't take the day off, but I can see you're in a lot of pain and this is hard for you, I'll make sure you get some rest this weekend".

@Theworldisyouroyster does your DH actually have a high-stress, high-pressure job? People are making assumptions about him working in some kind of cut-throat environment but plenty of well-paid jobs aren’t like that at all. I have a job paid decently enough to support my family, with some cutbacks, if push came to shove. But taking a short-notice day off at my work is a complete non-issue.

What is his work culture actually like? It’s one thing if he works in finance or sales or healthcare but another thing entirely if he’s a middle management civil servant, for example.

Thank you @SleepingisanArt ❤️ so sorry to hear about all your knee troubles and how difficult the NHS can be when it comes to resolving them! This is all really useful stuff to know. I really hope your knee continues to slowly improve and doesn’t play up too much until you can get it replaced. Take care of yourself x

He would still have to stay home with the child if she were sick—as three year olds often are. Men with SAHW benefit enormously from the flexibility this gives them to work morning, evening, sick child days and holidays.

I don’t want to say too much other than he leads a team in a private industry. It is sometimes very full on and stressful and he works very hard but it is completely feasible for him to take time off occasionally x