To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Would you need to pay him support if it’s no longer 50/50?

You can't really compare men having minimal contact and not getting judged to women having minimal contact and getting judged in this scenario though?

The difference here is the OP is saying her ex is very abusive towards her and continues to be. I'm assuming the divorce and contact were dealt with in court and they deemed the Dad safe enough to have 50/50 contact.

The OP maintains he is still being abusive towards her and yet is actively choosing to leave her children with this abusive man.

Often, when a Dad walks out on their children, they are not leaving them with an abusive mother. OP will be leaving them with an abusive father. That I will judge. She is giving up 182 days full contact plus extra for 52 days days and that's not even full days as it included 12 hours travel.

If she takes the kids with her without permission she is effectively kidnapping them. A court will move fairly swiftly to deal with this and I can't imagine it would be a good outcome for the OP

Most likely as she will be the non resident parent and only seeing them for 52 days a year plus whatever annual leave she gets then minus travel time

I don’t get it. Why would you sacrifice your children’s well-being like this? He does very little with them and is abusive. Why on earth would you hand your children over to him like sacrificial lambs??

I’m gobsmacked. Who gives a shiny shit about a great job/career chance/blah blah blah? That’s all meaningless and worthless compared to your children.

Forget the job and look closer to home.

This is extremely risky strategy and unlikely to succeed. SS don’t really care about how bad a parent is unless they leave physical marks on a child. What will actually happen if you compile a dossier of “evidence” is that you will be suspected of ‘parental alienation’. Something that will be extremely detrimental to your future court appearances to seek contact with your children.

I’ve not seen all these posts where men are being praised for moving miles away from their children. Quite the opposite in fact.

People think very little of fathers who move away from their kids and only see them every other weekend at best.

The difference though is that we’re not surprised when men do it, that doesn’t translate into approval though.

This tosspot will surely come after you for CSA if he has them more than 50% of the time?

Don't do it. I know it's appealing but this man sends your kids to school late, on old clothes and doesn't support their extra curricular activities... And will inevitably turn them against you.
Keep them with you.

Please don’t do this, first hand seen what happens and it’s heartbreaking. PM if you want to discuss

Perhaps unpopular choice, but I think you should look at taking it.
The long term benefits to your children will be huge.
Talk to your employer to see how flexible they can be.
Talk to Women's aid and SS and ask for advice.

You do realise if you leave the kids with their father he'll simply swan off with the kids for one weekend, then not be about after the second weekend when you are supposed to return the kids on Sunday night, don't you? Too much opportunity for your ex to muck things up.

Personally I wouldn’t feel right going, no extra money would be worth leaving them for. Even if exdh was a good man.

i do feel for you, that he’s controlling you - it sucks. But for me it’d be a sacrifice I’d make for my kids

How will it benefit the children. Children benefit most from parents spending time with them. They will not want their mother to bugger off 6 hours away no matter how much money she earns

It would be even harder to consider leaving helpless children with a “vindictive arsehole” though, wouldn’t it?

Reading your updates I think you have answered your own question. It's just not going to work out. I feel really bad for you OP you are in a horrible situation.

He can stop them changing schools.

Plenty of mem do this and the mums get no choice to agree or disagree

Take the kids and let him fight you in court for them. He won't.

Plenty of mem do this and the mums get no choice to agree or disagree

That doesn't make it behaviour worthy of copying. Inevitably those men end up with poor or no relationship with their dc

@Inneedofmorecoffee If your ex was a loving, supportive and hands on father and you have a decent co-parenting relationship I'd say take the job. But as he's nasty and abusive definitely don't leave your kids with him because I can promise you he will alienate your kids from you and tell them you abandoned and don't love them and manipulate them into no longer wanting contact with you.

My dad did that with my sister, she chose to stay with my dad and he ended up manipulating her into stopping contact with my mum, me and my other sister, we didn't see her for years and when she finally made contact with us she was a totally different person and our relationship is so difficult because she believed all the venom my dad poured in her ears, my sister borderline hates our mum and blames her for leaving her with our dad who she saw as a victim of our parents split (my sister was old enough to chose who she wanted to live with so the judge couldn't remove her from my dad's custody)

Leaving your kids with such an abusive man is utterly selfish OP he will fuck them up emotionally and psychologically. Also you will play right into your ex's hands because he will use this to his advantage. What if you return and want to resume 50/50 and he refuses by saying kids are settled and they don't wanna see you if it goes to court the judge likely will agree and award him full custody.

kids often late for school, haven’t had breakfast, wearing odd socks or dirty of old clothes because h can’t be bothered to do laundry. That kind of thing.

How is it a good idea to leave kids with man who OP admits is a crap parent - late for school, no breakfast and dirty clothes.

On top of this, the kids will be seeing their mum a lot less too.

I can guarantee that the long term cons of being left by your mum in the care of someone neglectful will absolutely outweigh any long term benefits the kids might have financially.

This! Don’t let him tie you down and impoverish you. If you let him jeep abusing you financially and personally you will lose crucial years to build independence.

A year isn't that long. And it's not like you won't have contact with them between weekends. This will either go two ways. He'll let you go (he can't stop you) and make you pay him CM. Or he'll try to spoil your plan by saying you will have to take the children with you. But what he can't do is make you stay. No one can force someone to parent.

The long term benefits to your kids will be huge
I disagree, it's the long term harm that will be huge.
OP-read about parental alienation, be forewarned. You and your children could all suffer if you leave them with him. Only take the job if you can find a way to take them with you.
I hope a more suitable opportunity comes up for you.

Take job and kids and go to new life.