To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Not a chance I'd leave them with someone like that. And if he's as bad as he sounds your kids will absolutely be poisoned by him.

Sorry op but I think you'd be absolutely insane to consider this. Money means nothing when theres every chance you could lose your children, relationship wise.

And a man leaving his DC in the same situation would, rightly, be absolutely crucified. I think you're actually getting off pretty lightly on here because you're female tbh.

You say you would drive every weekend for 5 to 6 hours, have you factored in snow, bad weather etc? What about if you're unwell and can't drive?

What happens if there is no promotion for you to move back to?

Maybe I'm being naive, but don't things take ages so come to court nowadays anyway? So if you're planning to change job again in a year anyway, couldn't you just move with the kids with little notice? By the time court does come around, you could just move back? The court won't bother with it if there's no longer a case. Rather underhand of course, but it doesn't sound like your ex plays fair anyway.

I would go to court. It absolutely does not need to cost £30k. I did my entire divorce, financial and children's matters myself as a self repper. It's the norm. If you already have an order, it's even easier. What do the children want and why would their opinion not count? It would. However, hell would freeze over before I left my kids with a man like that. He will alienate them and you'll never get them back.

It might cost a few hundred to apply for court hearing, but representing yourself is not a great idea when it’s this complicated

I did it with an utterly vicious and sadistic ex husband and OW. The fact is he showed himself for what he is. He no longer has contact. I would not be afraid of self repping and whoever has quoted you that is talking shit. A close friend recently had a day in court with a barrister and it was £2k plus travel expenses. I think you just want people to tell you to take the job and it will all be fine.

No you can't do this for all the reasons others have already outlined.

To be completely blunt, I would think better of you bringing up the kids on longterm benefits than if you accepted this job, if I knew you IRL.

That's not what happens when a child's wishes and feelings are considered though?

You can't tell me you think a Cafcass Officer sits and reels off how abusive a parent is to another then asks who they want to live with?!

Judgy fuckers? Have you read the OP? He's abusive. She will lose her children. She won't get them back in a year. She is handing him a further reason to torture her. No job is worth that.

I get that he makes your life a misery and that you want to escape.

But surely you can’t throw him your children to facilitate your own exit?

what about their lives?
how will they escape his abuse?
3 days out of 14 with the woman who abandoned them with an abuser?

No, you do not leave your children with an inadequate and abusive parent in order to score points again him.

So your ex dh is abusive, is lazy with the kids, doesn't take them to clubs etc and you're debating leaving them to live with him essentially full time? Wtf

I'm sorry, OP, I understand your desire for career progression and the need to get away from your ex. But I don't think you can just abandon your children to the care of a half arsed and potentially abusive parent.

If he was a decent man and a good parent, then I would say it was up to you - I wouldn't have chosen to do it personally but I would understand. But this man doesn't sound like a fit parent, so you taking off and leaving the kids with him simply isn't a suitable option.

If she moves away and comes back every other weekend as planned but can't get the promotion she seems to think she will get to come back, then what?

You really think a judge will allow her to come back after 12 months absence, move the children 6 hours away from their primary carer, move schools and leave family and friends?

Her eldest will be half way through secondary education.

She needs to literally pick between her children and her job. That's what it boils down too.

I wouldn't praise a man for walking out on his children, I don't think anyone would.

“I think you just want people to tell you to take the job and it will all be fine.”

that is exactly what she wants.

well, it won’t be fine.
and it’s horrendous to even contemplate .

My advice is don’t do it. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this controlling scumbag, but you already know that your ex will use this opportunity to alienate your children from you. No amount of money is worth losing your children over. Concentrate on just getting through the next few years and limiting the emotional damage to your children from their difficult, nasty father.

I can understand that you are at the end of your tether and it must be alluring to have a solution to stop his ongoing abuse of you but this is not the answer. Another opportunity will come along.
In the meantime maybe start a thread about reducing the effect he has on you, I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on here

Your DC’s have already had to adapt to a divorce. They’d then be faced with “Mummy going to live a long way away”. They won’t understand or care whatever mitigating factors you put forward for your choice - to them, you’ll have left them.

That experience may cause untold psychological damage for them in later life.

But you do you.

Children are for life, not just Christmas

twilightermummy
"If I were you, I'd quietly take the job, get a home sorted, sort a school out for the children behind the scenes and then deal with the fallout afterwards. "

I would consider doing this. Call his bluff. If he does go to court do you think it possible (I have no clue about the UK family courts) that by the time it gets to court and a decision is handed down you could have at least a year of valuable career experience under your belt and be ready to move back home to a similar role?

I know how you feel op I have a similar ex.

Don't forget maintenance you will owe not having 50/50. Also ex can then try keep it to every other weekend even when you move back. If he can spin it the kids best with him because you abandoned them and don't prioritise them you could be dooming your relationship with the kids long term. Society is unequal men can have minimal contact with their kids without judgment but a woman is seen as a terrible mother if she does the same.

For a year I would do it but the risk it will be more than a year needs serious consideration

Courts move fast when it comes to orders involving children being moved without consent. As they rightly should.

Could you imagine your children’s father just never returning them from visiting having moved them 6 hours away from you? And having to wait months to a year to get it heard in court. Knowing the longer they are there the stronger his case is.

I’m sorry you married a horrible abusive man but it’s not your kids’ fault. I’d hang on until they’re old enough to have their opinion taken into account. In a few years, they’ll have the measure of him.

At ten they can pretty much decide for themselves though. I mean the judge can order 50/50 a they want but a ten year old can just hop on the bus home after school to whomever they please. A court can do sod all about that.

So why give a stuff about cafcas.

Is there anyway the new role would allow you to WFH half the week so you could still do 50/50 - commuting and staying there Wednesday-wednesday?