To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Take job and kids and go to new life.

Why do people keep telling OP to go with the DC she can't. She shares 50/50 with her ex. She will be breaking the court ordered agreement. Effectively kidnapping the children. That will not end well at all

@NeedToChangeName People would be less likely to judge a man who moved to further his career

Because when men move, it's to move out of lower paid £20k - 25k roles to finally get a break in a highly paid job at £50k - 60k or more. When mumsnetters move, it's to move from a £100k job to a £110k job (and then complain about how they still don't have enough money.)

No way would I leave my kids at that age especially with a man who has been abusive maybe not to the kids but it shows a side to somebody.

But most men doing this doesn't make it ok. Nobody praises men for essentially abandoning their children do they?

Nevermind leaving them with someone who abusive.

OP thinks the he will manipulate them and tell them Mommy has left, he wouldn't be lying though would he?

All he would do is tell them what she has done, which is move 6 hours away.

If he's that abusive towards her, why move 6 hours away to move back in 12 months time?

No one on here knows thw relationship between father and children and OP needs to seperate her children relationship with him from hers.

She also needs to seek help for herself and how she deals with him. That's what she needs to cut down on, not the relationship with her children.

@Inneedofmorecoffee - ok. calling his bluff -would be TELLING him you have aaccepted the position,intend to move and seek to change the current contact arrangement in manner of one who has some sort of given up with his arseholery.
REALISTICALLY... he will most likely stand in way of,go all out to prevent any such actions-as youve sid-he lives to fuck you up.
Whilst i absolutely reaalise and recognise how utterly soul shredding dealing with such a twat is...you have to realise..your kids need their mum,not money. theur dad -if and he wont ..was to pretend to support this...will either get fed up n drop them off nd you in it...or utilise his dominant carer role to attempt to brainwash them. currently his words and actions arent preventing a wonderful relationship with you\kids... they re we\pons in his mind so they arent going to feel like you being stressed cos hes a twat and "bndoning"them with him is a good thing
I think seek support from womans aid.they will advise you re coerc/contriolling behaviour.if hes as bd as youve sid. your in for long haul. theres not no way out. u dont think you rest easy be ble to devote your full attention to other job opportunity in theis mess tho.Support is key love. really

CMS works out support based on how much you earn and how many overnights you care for each child.

If OP takes this high paying job, and only has them 2 nights out of 14 she is going to be paying a fortune in child support to her ex.

Op already said she would see them fortnightly and that it would be for a year.

I have the same misgivings as you and don't think the children would be very happy without their mother.

It's true that a man would be judged less harshly but that is how it is.

Op, sometimes you just have to take one for the team.

Not feasible. The ex has to consent to them changing schools.

Just a comment on the job issue. Well done you for being offered the promotion especially when you’ve got all this other stuff going on. You’ve proved that you would be realistic to think you could get a bigger job/higher pay. Could you get these things nearer to your current home? If you have recruitment/search agencies in your field who could help you search, they will be interested to hear that you were offered this promotion. Perhaps a small positive to hold onto?

Fuck that, kids could turn out to be like their dad and treat the OP horribly. No just because your life is measured by children doesn’t mean everyone else’s is. There’s value in independence, adventure, and living your life without any compromise. You have no right to impose your BS on anyone else.

If the ex is half as vindictive as it appears he is, I bet he absolutely would apply to court for a prohibited steps order. This isn't a bloke who rarely sees his children; he already fought to get 50:50 so I don't see him giving up that easily.

Terrible advice.

“I have no clue about the UK family courts”

clearly.

However things turn out in the long term anyone who has children has a responsibility to them . That should apply to both parents.
Sadly if one parent is selfish the other parent has even more responsibility to them.

People who want to live their lives without any compromise should not have children

I really sympathise with your situation - your ex sounds horrendous. Ultimately though I could never leave my children to be looked after full time (almost) by a dad who wasn't doing a good enough job, no matter how many other issues it solved.

@Inneedofmorecoffee

I think when you look at the financial benefit of higher wages, you need to realize that if you do this and go EOW he'll most likely file a claim for maintenance. If he's savvy enough to insist of 50/50 to avoid it, he's savvy enough to know he'd be entitled to it.

So if you do seriously want to take this job, go online and calculate what you'd have to pay as minimum CM and factor that into any increase in your income. You may find that it's not really worth it.

independence, adventure, and living your life without any compromise

You give that up when you have children. Otherwise you have no business being a parent.

If you choose to have kids you give up those rights. The kids didn't ask to be born. You're a shitty person if you bring kids into the world then decide you want to do whatever you want.

In all fairness whilst i agree with this...
It's arguably just a standard societal norm we adhere to.

In some human societies, boys are considered men at 11, given their own huts and left to their own devices. In Japan, some 5 year olds walk 2 miles to the shop for the groceries by themselves. Kirsty alsop let her 15 year old travel the world unshapperoned as she felt he could hande it.

I think in theory you shouldn't have kids if you aren't prepared to raise them to maturity.

But unfortunately society rather brainwashes women into thinking having kids is some be all and end all thing do lots of women end up essentially trapped and realising it's not for them.

And so long as we keep accepting the drudge work and accepting that we have to stay, that children tie us, women can never truly be free. Sometimes we have to be prepared to be selfish.

Realistically, if a child can be expected to cope with seeing the father fortnightly, surely it should be the same for the mother if needs be too.

Should someone really be confined to parenthood just because they did it...and then realised it wasn't for them? Should it be a chain?

In this case, the other parent is not a suitable person to leave the kids with. But otherwise I'd be inclined to tell op to go too. It's only 1 year afterall.

As is though...not safe to leave them with him.
They need a safe place to escape him at least 50% of the time.

I just think women need to be as prepared as men to step back from the predominant caregiver role if they wish to do so. They should have that same right just like men.

Yes, you should be confined to parenthood even if you feel it's "not for you." You're an adult, they're the child, so act like one.

I don't think men should be able to step back from that role either!

You think OP should leave her kids with a negligent parent, rarely seeing them and put her needs before them, just in case in the future they turn out like their dad??!!

Wow!
I really hope you don’t have kids.

When you choose to have kids, then you make a conscious decision to make sure their basic needs are met.
If you don’t, it makes you a crap parent.

So, uproot the children, one of which will have started her secondary education, let them settle, make friends, deal with the fallout of what mum has done to dad, then merrily bring them back home when she’s done with that job?

If it’s a court ordered agreement, the OP can’t just take off with the kids.

OP has to make a choice.

Should someone really be confined to parenthood just because they did it...and then realised it wasn't for them? Should it be a chain?

Yes because you’re responsible for the care of the people you brought into the world. Their physical, emotional and psychological well-being is your job and they’re depending on you for it.

Applies to both parents equally and if either moves away or sees them once a month or whatever then they’re a shit.