To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

This

This

also - it’s costs upwards of £30k to take it to court, so even if I’d be guaranteed winning, it’s a huge cost.

Where have you got this figure from- it seems very much on the high side? Plus in all likelihood he’d give in before it got very far surely (unless he’s rolling in money to pay lawyers himself).

I know- it sounds awful.

however, he appears to be very loving with the kids. I think they’d be happy enough. I also think he’d be more likely to take them to their clubs if I wasn’t there for him to wind up. I honestly think he refuses to take them as a knee jerk way of winding me up ( I get angry because I pay for them all and he’ll not bother taking them if it’s raining for example. Manipulates the kids by saying ‘why don’t we play on the X box and get a Macdonald’s’ ? )

He is a bad father in respect of the fact that he constantly undermines me, causes conflict at school. My youngest has health issues and he’s refused to give consent for ( optional) treatment - he was eventually persuaded by doctors, but his stance was purely because it was an opposite view to mine.

the kids don’t see any of this- it’s all underhand.

Personally, I wouldn't take a job that far away from my children leaving them with an abusive man.

What’s more important. This job role or your children. That’s the crux of the issue.

He currently has 50/50 with you, is it court ordered? But either way most courts would never side to remove a 50% care taker away from the children forcefully without bloody good reason and by that it would be abuse to the children not you wanting a new job.

I couldn’t leave my children and become a eow parent without huge reason. Especially not with a parent you believe will basically turn them against you.

It’s not I’m afraid - lawyers actually said between £30-50k

Court is hugely expensive. It’s not straightforward either. A day in court can cost £15k in legal fees between barristers and solicitors.

It might cost a few hundred to apply for court hearing, but representing yourself is not a great idea when it’s this complicated

I'd go.

Apart from the fact that he doesn't sound like a very good dad . You only get your kids for what equates to a few short years. Then most of the time they find social circles/uni move out and so on .
Is this job really worth missing out on priceless time with your children.

There is absolutely no way in hell I would leave my young children with an inadequate parent just so I can make more money. It sounds more like you are doing it to prove a point with your ex but all that's going to happen is that your children will suffer from abandonment issues.

Also on the whole money thing, would you actually be better off once you have deducted the maintenance and all travel costs?

Can he stop you taking them?

No, but I really feel for you. It's a shit situation to be in. I hope something great comes up closer to home.

I would hate to only see my kids every other weekend and I'd never choose to leave them with someone I'd described as abusive.

Honestly, can he stop you taking them if you continue to offer him shared access? Whether he cba to make the effort is his issue.

I have answered that you are NBU but I still don't think you can do it, or that I could...unfortunately....

Is working from home not an option, even if you do the odd travel?

If you took them but didn't claim maintenance, what would he do?
If you brought them back for weekend visits twice a month would that be enough to make him happy as the Disney dad? Could you stay locally?
And if he did take you to court, how easily could you move straight back again?

Just chucking some ideas out there.....

Why does your husband get to decide, OP? Why does he have power of veto over this? I'm probably missing something but I don't understand his 'power'.

If you want to go (and I think you should), find out about schools and plan for your children to go with you.

Children are far more likely to be with their mothers than not, I would not leave them. If he were a decent co-parent and an engaged father then that's different - he is not this and you can't leave your children with them.

This is so hard but you’re right to want to be building security for the future and even if you just privately say to yourself that you do this job for two years, then if it definitely means you can then move back to be with the kids and with a much better paid job after that, it’s a worthwhile consideration for investment for everyone’s future.

On the weekends you visit though- firstly I don’t think every other weekend is enough. At least 3 weekends out of 4 should be the aim.
And where willl you stay then? It needs to be a place the kids can stay too and they can feel entirely comfortable there, for this to work. basically the new job needs to cover starting up you running a second home. Can you afford that on the new salary? Can you rent very very cheaply in the place you would be moving to for the new job? Rent out a room in the weekdays to someone responsible in your current home? That way, can you afford to keep your current home for the kids to be in with you at weekends?

To find out what your rights are about leaving the kids with their father in the week (assuming he will fight everything you say to him) then it might be a good idea to get legal advice first. Document carefully your reasons for wanting to do this and talk to the lawyer about the different ways that your ex could respond to this proposal.

My reservation is that it needs to be a whopping new salary increase to cover the much increased living costs to you. You know how some jobs give a relocation allowance- is it in that ballpark of job?
You don’t want to be scrimping when you see the kids. Or getting exhausted and miserable renting in a hovel all week or rationing your visits back to the kids because money is tight.

Thanks for your understanding.

I’m just at the end of my rope. He makes my life a misery and uses the kids as a way of continuing his control.

This has been as much about escaping him as the new job.

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum

So you’ve written this and then ask whether you should make him the RP??

Moving away knowing that your kids will suffer makes you a bad parent.

It wouldn’t ever even cross my mind to do this.

Not only would you be leaving your kids with someone who you admit is lazy and does the bare minimum, but you’d also be seeing your kids a lot less than you do now - would you seriously be ok with that?

I wouldn’t move half way across the country if it meant leaving my kids with a decent parent, let alone a crap one.

I totally get it. Just ignore the judgy/self-righteous posts from people who don't. A close relative had the same situation and she did just up sticks with the kids and move across the country. He threatened to go for full custody but obviously never did. But did drag her to court several times and cost her £££. It's so frustrating how the family courts don't really protect women and children from these financially and emotionally abusive situations.

I think your best option is to keep looking more locally. It's a positive sign that you're getting job offers, especially as the job market is tough at the moment.

Same reason why does op? They both have parental responsibility. They both currently do 50% of the child raising / school and such.

She cannot just take them to the other end of the country anymore than he can. He could and let’s face it would take the op to court to prevent the move. As child’s best interests. They both have lived here there whole lives, their father who does 50/50 still lives there, their schooling, doctors, dentist, friends and possibly other family live there.

The reason for the move isn’t a best interests of the children move. It’s a higher paying job for mum, which would turn father into a eow father not though his or the children’s own choice.

It’s about best interests of the children not op or her ex.

My kids had a voice at 8 & 9 so let them decide.
Personally I'd lay it out for them and see what they think. But if you love without them you can guarantee he'll be chasing you for money on a big way.

Would the new employer offer you a hybrid option?

I would put my children over a job even though I do see your reasoning.. but I'd not trust your Ex to not make it worse for your relationship with your children - and the relationship with your children would be the priority.

And yes, people absolutely would think it was "more acceptable" if a man posted that they wanted to work away and only see their kids a few times a month. But the man in that scenario should be judged for not wanting to spend time with his kids (we don't judge men enough imo!).