To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

There is no easy answer here OP . Would the children want to move with you ?

People would be less likely to judge a man who moved to further his career

But I'd worry about leaving the children with an abusive man. He might tell kids you've abandoned them, which would damage your relationship with them

And, highly unlikely kids would return to live with you in future if you returned to live in the area

Would you really see the kids every weekend if it’s a 5-6 hour drive? So 12 hours of driving every weekend?

How long would you take the job for?

It’s extremely unfair I know as men do this all the time but I would be worried about damaging the bond with your dc.

Is there no scope for promotion where you live?

Also, why is still able to abuse you?

Change your phone number and keep all contact with exH via an email address. You shouldn’t have to see him or talk to him at all.

Can you go to court to try and get permission to go? Surely your kids are old enough to express an opinion.

Wouldn’t have left mine but you do you.

I suspect if you tell him that's your plan he'll refuse to take full custody.

I did it, my ex made it very difficult for me to access our son so I moved to the coast and built a new life leaving him as a teenager with his dad.

Ex was shocked and I explained to our son exactly how he was making things difficult, showed him all the messages and he decided to come with me.
We've been here 6 years now and his dad hasn't visited once, the only time he saw his dad was if son got the train down to see him or now drives the 4 hour journey.
Call his bluff and be honest with your kids, if the truth is there in black and white, they'll make up their own minds.

Not if he’s a neglectful and uninvolved parent, no. I’m sorry, OP. That’s shit, but I don’t think you can leave young children with a barely adequate parent FT for a year in the hope you could transfer locally later.

He was so abusive and awful you left him and now think it’s a good idea to leave your kids with him nearly full time?

Why the fecking hell would you leave your children with an abusive man. Get a grip OP. Money isn’t everything but it’s all you’ll have if you do this. Your DC will be distanced from you and your ex will take the advantage.

My DC are the same age and no way would I do this.

So you’d call his bluff and give your kids a shit year with likely neglect? No way would I consider this.

How much extra money will you be left with after cms , what guarantee is there you would be able to return after a year.
Your children are approaching an age where they will decide for themselves if they want to see their father or not

Apparently they are too young still for their opinion to have weight. I’ve checked the legal position and it is very difficult for me to move them

also - it’s costs upwards of £30k to take it to court, so even if I’d be guaranteed winning, it’s a huge cost.

This is what I worry about

This can't be the only job opportunity available to you! Look for something closer to home, don't leave your kids to get neglected and alienated from you

I think this sums it up. If it was amicable, it would be do able.

No. It would be damaging to your children to do this. IMHO.

Honestly no but God I feel very sorry for you. He would have them poisoned after a year and I don’t think you would ever recover your relationship with them.

You really can't live your kids 5-6 hours drive away from their other parent. It's not fair on them.

Are you sure you need his permission to take the kids with you?

If he was a decent parent then why not, but he's an abusive areshole so I don't think you can. Plus if his aim is to make your life difficult I doubt he would agree to it anyway and its impossible to make a parent have their child more.
Sorry OP I think you have to turn the job down

Sorry but this sounds like you’d be prepared to let your DC have a more shit life either to get one up on your ex or further your career which I don’t think would be the best thing for anyone concerned. It sounds like he’s only having them 50/50 to avoid paying proper maintenance, that he’d be crap about day to day needs, that he’s going to prioritise his downtime etc. Plus the kids will miss you anyway I would imagine- and do you really only want to see them 4 days a month? How old are they?

By all means use this as a threat to get him to agree with you that you should also go- say if he forces you to take this to court this is what you’ll suggest as the only option if the court were to decide against you but don’t actually do it! It’s not your kids’ fault that your ex is a twat and they’ve already been through their parents splitting up. I absolutely understand why you want to go but please don’t leave your kids behind.

If you do have to go to court then make sure you’ve made a full note of him saying he’s trying to make things difficult for you, but also make it look like you’re bending over backwards to make it less disruptive for him (I.e meeting him half way with the driving/ letting him have half terms etc). And stress why it would be better for the kids- bigger house, more money, good schools/ jobs etc. Depending on the age of the kids the court would give their own preference quite a bit of weight too- what do they actually want to do?

You'd have to pay him child maintenance. I'm sure he'd love that.

He will probably tell the kids you moved away because you don't care about them. They might not want to come back to you if and when you move back.

The extra money isn't worth the potential disaster this could turn into for you and your children.

Don't leave them behind, if you can't go with them, don't go.