To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Yes. You can't in one breath say he is a lazy parent who won't bother with them/their clubs for a year and then in the next hand them over. I know it's unfair.

Edit - I know this may be to spite you but there's no guarantee he will get better.

You sound nice. No, my life isn’t measured by children 🙄 I won’t list all the things I’ve done both before and after children because it would be identifying, but I promise you I’ve done lots - and will continue to do so. It’s perfectly possible to have and care for children, do a job, travel, create, and live a very full life.

Living a life without compromise 100% of the time is living a selfish life really, isn’t it? That’s a rhetorical question BTW. Don’t care about anyone, don’t take anyone else’s needs or feelings into consideration, don’t hesitate to take what you want and f*ck everybody else; sneer at responsibility; choose what you want regardless of what’s right and who it effects.

Fortunately, that way of life doesn’t appeal to many people.

His arseholery might've been confined to his pathetic vendetta against the OP; he might've been a "good-enough" father (OP has since clarified that he isn't) - the point being it's unfair to judge the OP and unfair for mothers to still be having their lives ruined and career prospects trashed because society still thinks women have to do it all AND clear up the emotional/financial carnage caused by adult men who weaponise their DC and refuse to share the parenting burden equally.

Can’t you just take them with you? Wouldn’t it take ages for the courts to sort it out, and say he can visit you? Why should you have to visit the kids

"Clearly" ? I've acknowledged that I don't know much about UK family law so what's your point?
If you read my post you'll see that I say to the OP that I would "consider" the previous poster's advice based on how the UK courts are likely to view it.
I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

"what mum has done to dad" ???? Are you for real?
Again, I don't give a fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

If he was abusive, there’s no way I’d leave the kids with him full time. Horrible situation but I’d be so weary of leaving them.

It’s about the children’s rights and best interests.

He could be a shit husband a shit boyfriend and a bit lazy.

But he is their dad. They have the right to a relationship with him. They have the right to have 50/50 with him. The op has zero rights to alone decide to just remove the children without a court order.

All the women on here recommending the op basically run away with her children six hours away and fuck it who cares courts will take forever (they won’t). Just sit for a second and imagine it’s your children’s dad getting this very advice to just take the children and run because he got a better job off and doesn’t want to go from 50/50 to eow.

Seriously just let it sink in. You go to pick up your children or sit waiting for dad to drop them off to find out his moved them six hours away without word of warning or a discussion and says see you in court… you’d be yeah ok that’s reasonable…. No you wouldn’t.

“I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.”

if only the courts had the same attitude, but unfortunately they don’t.

The father has parental responsibility (same as the mother). He would need to consent to them going to a new school.

Please do not do this, he sounds like my ex and will turn your kids against you. I don’t have a relationship with my eldest son now (21) and haven’t done since he was 11 as his dad manipulated him so much. I wish I wasn’t so lenient with him and things might have been different. Don’t let him have a chance to do this to you, the pain is unbearable

Terrible advice, sorry

Courts can (and do) act swiftly when a parent removes a child from their parent

Sorry op, it's a shit situation and I'm sorry. But I don't think you should leave your children with an abusive man. The risk of him alienating them from you is very, very high, too. You have too much to lose from this arrangement. He has everything to gain. It's galling though, and incredibly unfair. Don't try to call his bluff or move the dc away either.

“I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.”

if only the courts had the same attitude, but unfortunately they don’t

This ^ Things have not changed since the 1970s.
In law both parents have 50-50 rights AND 50-50 obligations regardless of whether the father does fuck all in raising the kids.

In practice, in my experience and in the experiences of other women I know, in these cases the courts will always uphold the rights of the father, but not also his obligation to parent his own children fairly and adequately in their best interests.

He is allowed to use the law as a weapon, carry on being an abusive waste of space, channel his energy into emotionally abusing the mother and neglecting his DC's real needs, curtail the mother's ability to provide for DC that only she is parenting properly, and ultimately put the DC in a far worse position long-term than they would've been had they had a responsible caring father.

However, the rights of the mother do not even come into it. She must know her place, or be told it. She has only obligations, and will be judged by everybody else for not fulfilling them to their liking.

@SlothOnARope your last post completely nails it. That is my experience of the court system and many other women I know.

The unreasonable person is always at an advantage. Overwhelmingly, that person is the man.

I think I have.

This

I'm sorry but your post seems to be all about you and not about what is best for them. Poor kids.

No it doesn't.

You can self represent in family court. It wouldn't cost anything aside from the application fee of a couple of hundred. This is also waived depending on your income.

Just back from work and reading through replies.

thanks so much for all your views- even the ones that are scathing! And thanks for the many supportive and empathetic responses. I expected to get flamed, but I’ve been overwhelmed by the kind replies. I’m broken hearted that he still has the power to mess up my life at every turn, but my priority is my kids and I just need to make the right decision for them.

it’s been really helpful to hear from posters who know the kind of character I’m dealing with. It’s been difficult for me talking to friends in real life who I don’t think appreciate what’s it’s like to parent with such a narcissistic twat!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe your comment about the patio made me laugh - I’m measuring it up! 😂

Why do you think moving 6 hours away and reducing your contact with your children and leaving an abusive man as their primary carer would benefit them?

If you got the job then that’s great - maybe something similar will come up that’s closer? I really feel for you.

To clarify on the ‘good enough’ parent- many of his friends on social media think he’s dad of the year. As do many women and the girlfriends that come and go. Many people who him would think I’m over reacting.

the kids adore him and enjoy spending time with him.

so I feel almost gaslit by the whole situation. I think he’s a bad parent, but the harm he does is behind the scenes- not directly to them, if that makes sense? So day to day, they are happy.

He is like the parent who gives lots of sweets and never insists the kid brushes their teeth. so the kids are happy in the moment, but may regret it when they are 25 year olds with false teeth.

sadly, I think if I was completely out of the picture, he’d be a better parent. He wouldn’t have to use the kids against me.

but I think I have to trust my instincts and know he is and parent who can’t be trusted

because it is temporary. the kids adore him, so they aren’t sad to be left with him.

because the role offers me the chance to secure a future for me and my kids financially. I know money seems to be a dirty word, but it’s about what it gets for my kids.

and selfishly? For my own mental health. I want to be far away from this abusive monster and left in peace.

but I won’t accept the job. As my relationship with my kids is the most precious thing to me.

i need to find another way.

Have you thought about doing the freedom programme?

If I was you, I would get a basic pay as you go or cheap sim phone and tell your ex you've changed your number and give him that number. Keep it on and with you when the kids are with him. Turn it off or leave it on silent when they are with you.

Reply to messages as basic as possible and don't engage with anything that isn't child related. Having a seperate phone can help with any associated anxiety you may get when your phone goes and you worry whether its him or not.

How does handover happen when they go to his from yours?

I'm sure you don't but don't ever badmouth him in front of the kids. He will eventually show his true colours and they will see for themselves. Especially as they get older and develop their own thoughts and opinions.

You need to build up barriers that he can no longer break and having two children together doesn't mean your lives have to be intertwined. Let them have their relationship and support that, but keep your relationship with him to the bare minimum.

Definitely consider the Freedom programme though, it's worth its weight in gold

If you left your ex because he was abusive, why would you leave your children with him? They are unable to defend themselves and their quality of life will be poorer than it is now. I can't see how their relationship with you could remain the same either.

I'm very sorry for you having to still put up with your abusive ex. Can you use a co parenting app to reduce contact as much as possible?