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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

295 replies

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 10:21

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

OP posts:
Paperweight7 · 03/09/2024 21:29

SlothOnARope · 03/09/2024 18:09

“I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.”

if only the courts had the same attitude, but unfortunately they don’t

This ^ Things have not changed since the 1970s.
In law both parents have 50-50 rights AND 50-50 obligations regardless of whether the father does fuck all in raising the kids.

In practice, in my experience and in the experiences of other women I know, in these cases the courts will always uphold the rights of the father, but not also his obligation to parent his own children fairly and adequately in their best interests.

He is allowed to use the law as a weapon, carry on being an abusive waste of space, channel his energy into emotionally abusing the mother and neglecting his DC's real needs, curtail the mother's ability to provide for DC that only she is parenting properly, and ultimately put the DC in a far worse position long-term than they would've been had they had a responsible caring father.

However, the rights of the mother do not even come into it. She must know her place, or be told it. She has only obligations, and will be judged by everybody else for not fulfilling them to their liking.

This is terrible. I can't understand how we live in a society where abusers are given so much access to children. Do the courts not understand the impact on these kids who then often have to endure emotional abuse and neglect? This will have lifelong consequences for them.

They need to revisit 50/50, especially in cases where the abusers have been arrested.

xyz111 · 03/09/2024 21:33

Don't do it. I've never forgiven my mum for leaving me and my DB.

Notadoormat4 · 03/09/2024 21:37

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 19:32

because it is temporary. the kids adore him, so they aren’t sad to be left with him.

because the role offers me the chance to secure a future for me and my kids financially. I know money seems to be a dirty word, but it’s about what it gets for my kids.

and selfishly? For my own mental health. I want to be far away from this abusive monster and left in peace.

but I won’t accept the job. As my relationship with my kids is the most precious thing to me.

i need to find another way.

Show quote history

OP - please get in touch with Woman's Aid. They can help you. This definitely needs to be taken to court regardless. It isn't complicated to go and self represent. You do not have to put up with this abuse.

SwingTheMonkey · 03/09/2024 21:37

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 17:12

"what mum has done to dad" ???? Are you for real?
Again, I don't give a fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

Show quote history

Yes, I’m ‘for real’. Do you think mum moving the kids 6 hours away from dad when they’ve got a 50/50 order in place would come without repercussions?! And you don’t think the kids would have to deal with those repercussions? I’m not for a second on the father’s side but op cannot move the children away when there’s a court ordered residency agreement in place. And if she does, dad won’t take it lying down. And that will affect the children.

AlertCat · 03/09/2024 21:41

Might your work find a better role for you closer to your current home? Could you explain to your bosses why you can’t take the promotion?

SlothOnARope · 03/09/2024 21:47

This is terrible. I can't understand how we live in a society where abusers are given so much access to children. Do the courts not understand the impact on these kids who then often have to endure emotional abuse and neglect? This will have lifelong consequences for them.

The family courts are set up to antagonise and divide, not to mediate and heal. What makes me really angry is that female lawyers have often been even worse than the men, in perpetuating these situations.

More awareness of vindictive parenting/non-violent coercive control and all its iterations is urgently needed.

Sorry op, minor derail, but it's an issue that unfortunately affects a lot of mothers.

RunningThroughMyHead · 03/09/2024 21:50

You're considering leaving your kids? With an abusive man?

What planet are you on?! Your kids need consistency and their mother. Look for a promotion locally or wait. Nothing in the world would let me leave my children.

I'm wondering if you have attachment issues, do you feel disconnected to your children? Do you feel more connected to your job? Therapy can help. Don't give up on your kids.

RunningThroughMyHead · 03/09/2024 21:53

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 11:23

Thanks for this. I’d get relocation package which means I’d be able to run 2 homes. ( obviously makes a dent and the move less financially beneficial over time, but still ok)

agree on the weekends and I think that may be sticking point. I’m not sure if it would just break me- it’s almost a full day of travelling after what will be a busy working week. There would be no down time, and I’d worry I’d make myself miserable. But also two weekends with my kids doesn’t feel enough.

but long term I want to able to restore my finances so I can give my kids a stable future and comfortable home.

I want to do the best for them. I feel like I can’t leave them, but if I don’t take the job I’m risking a much tighter future financially.

Show quote history

Kids want their mum, not money. I don't think you're doing this for them, you're doing it for you.

At least admit that. Of course you shouldn't leave your children. Stop making excuses. Yes you want the promotion but you aren't in a position to take it, kids come first.

BlueMum16 · 03/09/2024 22:01

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 11:35

@SlothOnARope i would say functioning. And good enough, but not great.

He is very narcissistic ( I know it’s a cliche, but true in this case) so it’s all about him. He takes pride in being an ‘amazing dad’ in front of family and on social media.

but expects me to take them if he’s going out ( uses me as unpaid childcare on ‘his’ days), doesn’t take them if t doesn’t suit. Does nice things for instagram, but won’t do the daily grind. Homework never done at his for example. Or he’ll make a big thing about doing it once then not for months.

kids often late for school, haven’t had breakfast, wearing odd socks or dirty of old clothes because h can’t be bothered to do laundry. That kind of thing.

so the kids love the ‘Disney dad’ aspect. He talks to them ( is a performative parent who likes to preen about what a cool dad he is), but he doesn’t actually respond to their ‘boring’ daily needs.

OP please read your own description of this parent.

If your friend was leaving their kids to this parent on a permanent basis, so they have all the say about school and medical appointments etc what would you advise?

Personally there is no way I could go in these circumstances and wish you well in finding a solution to help your MH.

Anonymouseposter · 03/09/2024 22:18

WI just think women need to be as prepared as men to step back from the predominant caregiver role if they wish to do so. They should have that same right just like men. . I think the opposite, that men should be just as prepared as women to step up to the main caregiver role. Parents have responsibilities to their children. The days for doing as you please are before they are born and after they have grown up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2024 22:24

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/09/2024 10:34

Why the fecking hell would you leave your children with an abusive man. Get a grip OP. Money isn’t everything but it’s all you’ll have if you do this. Your DC will be distanced from you and your ex will take the advantage.

This

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2024 22:24

It doesn't cost that much to go to court if you self represent

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2024 22:28

Op
You won't be able to escape him with the job, you'll be even more at his beck and call as he will call more shots

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2024 22:30

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2024 11:54

If my kids were... 10 and 12? I'd sit them down and tell them everything (or pretty much everything). Give them the actual facts.

Talk to them about abuse and how we should never stay with abusers. That sometimes we love the wrong people but when we realise it, we should run.

Then tell them that cats don't like it when their mice escape. That their father will use them to hurt you. That he has openly told you that.

Show them any proof you have of their father's nastiness.

Hopefully they will decide that dad is a wanker and they don't want contact, at least over the next few years.

And at 10 and 12, a judge will likely take their wishes into account.

Of course he will kick off claiming you're keeping his kids from him, but so what?

But tell them about the abuse and speak to them about how we should never stay with bullies.

If they told school, their dad or cafcass about that op would be accused of parental alienation

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2024 22:41

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2024 22:30

If they told school, their dad or cafcass about that op would be accused of parental alienation

Show quote history

If its true, so what? 'You're damn right I want them alenated from an abuser. If you won't protect my kids, I bloody well will'.

They're 10 and 12, what's a court going to do? It can order 50/50 all it wants but at that age they can just hop on a different bus home to the other parent after school. Police aren't going to show up to take them back to him.

I'd fight tooth and nail to make sure he had no time with them whatsoever. Part of that is being honest with them. At least, as much as possible. Some finer details obv are not age appropriate.

I'd never let my child think a monster was a good man.

WeightLossGoal2024 · 03/09/2024 23:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2024 10:32

He was so abusive and awful you left him and now think it’s a good idea to leave your kids with him nearly full time?

This

Eenameenadeeka · 04/09/2024 01:04

I could never live at the other end of the country from my children, even if they were with the best Dad in the world let alone a rubbish Dad. I'm sorry that you have to deal with him but I think it's your relationship with your children that would suffer if you did it.

TheFireflies · 04/09/2024 01:25

This would be gifting him a stick to beat you with. Even in the best circumstances, your children are likely to struggle with you moving away. In these circumstances, it could damage your relationship with your children permanently.

bozzabollix · 04/09/2024 06:11

I’m glad you’re not taking the job. It’d be the biggest mistake of your life.

If he doesn’t send his nastiness in your direction it’ll soon go towards your poor children.

ChateauMargaux · 05/09/2024 15:42

Trust in your ability to get this job and that your mental health, your personal fulfillment and your future financial security are all important.

Could you find a space with a coach to work out whether there is a way to make this job work... consultancy, remote, with an au pair... or a career coach to find you another well paid role?

You are in a horrible position where you are experiencing on going harm by being close to this person but held here because of your children. It is difficult and it is very hard to see the best way forward, for you and for your children.

I hope you have some people in your corner that can hear you and not just tell you that you can't leave because of your children.. sometimes acknowledging that your needs matter too, makes it easier to make a decision, even if you have to sacrifice your needs right now but put a plan in to meet them in the medium term rather than push them aside completely.

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