To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Don’t have family close by unfortunately. And I’d still not be around to parent them the way I want to.

Thanks for the ideas but I think that annoyingly the shit parent always has the upper hand. If you care, you are stuffed.

OP, I really feel for you because you must be in a desperate headspace if you are considering leaving them with him after saying:

No homework done
Late for school
Dirty clothes
No laundry
Not feeding them properly (McDonald’s) or not at all (no breakfast)
Would turn them against you

This would damage your children, damage their future adult prospects (doing badly in school) and lives, and irreparably damage their relationships with you. It would be outright neglect at best with potential emotional abuse thrown in for good measure. With you mostly out of the picture, he may turn his attention to punishing them.

Is there a way of setting better boundaries with him that means less interaction? Honestly, I wouldn’t move in these circumstances but it sounds like you really are at breaking point and need something to change to help you.

He will expect you to pay maintenance I guess

I can't imagine leaving my boys with an abusive exh🤨 (or with a non-abusive exh) whilst it would be great to stick it to your ex, your kids and their well being is the priority.
Not so sure they'd still have such a great relationship with you if you left for a job

He’d also repeatedly get to play the “mummy left you because she didn’t love you” card. And he’d use you leaving him as evidence you did it before.

Yeah exactly- lots of men get criticised for moving 6 hours away from their kids. Yes they still do it but I don’t think it’s without criticism.

If I met a man who said he left his kids with his abusive ex and moved hundreds of miles away and only sees them two weekends every month, I would definitely have something to say about that or at least it would colour my view of him.

If both parents have PR then one parent does not have the right to unilaterally decide to move a child to a different school.

Yes, I know there are many examples where lone parents have done exactly that without problem because the other parent doesn't care and/or isn't involved. But that's not the case here. He could very easily take OP to court to demand the children are returned and based on what's written here at least I'd say he'd have a strong case.

kids often late for school, haven’t had breakfast, wearing odd socks or dirty of old clothes because h can’t be bothered to do laundry.

This as well as the fact that he doesn’t give consent for medical treatment, prioritises x box and junk food over extra curricular activities, and abused you. No you absolutely cannot leave your kids full time with this person. You’re assuming he’s behaving like this to annoy you but that’s a big gamble, what if he carries on like this just because he’s a shit parent and a lazy bastard? Or gets worse because he’s raging that you’ve moved away and hit a better job? I agree with others, he’d likely either get his family or a new girlfriend to do the drudge work, come after you for more money and trash you to the kids/ school/ friends etc.

You’ll probably hate the thought of this but what about getting him to agree by paying him off with some of your relocation allowance? Call it “money towards travel cost”. It would stick in the craw but it would be money well spend in my view to get everyone away from him. Obviously he’d need to sign a consent order but I think he sounds selfish enough to go for it and once the kids had relocated and started new schools, with his agreement, he’d find it very difficult to change he arrangements.

Inneedofmorecoffee, ain't that the truth.

Your ex is actively going to work against you. As you say, you want to be a Mum to your children as you always have been, parenting them as you always have and he is going to scupper any plans that would benefit you.

This job, would they hold it for you for a year or so? They're offering relocation so they must be very keen to have you. Is there anybody that you could speak to to get a more nuanced look at your position with some advice on legal timelines involved so that you could move AND take your children with you?

I don't understand these vindictive men who don't really want their children other than to use as a lever against their ex partner.

If he’s incapable of meeting their daily needs then why are you even considering leaving them?

moving six hours away from your kids in an attempt to “call the other parents bluff” is extreme.

sound alike you both need to put your kids first and your animosity towards each other aside.

you say in one breath the kids are fine with him but then in the next he’s a rubbish dad. It can’t be both.

i agree with this poster. However….

My worry would be that he would start playing one of your kids off against each other as narcissistic parents usually need a scapegoat. If you aren’t around to bully, he might start picking on one of them instead. Much too big a risk to give him so much control of the upbringing.

Sorry but I think it'd be very difficult for kids to get over their mum moving to the other end of the country, whatever the reason. It would feel like abandonment.

So you said he doesn’t take them to their clubs/ activities, does the bare minimum with them and takes them to the pub with his adult mates every weekend. In top of that, he’s a nasty, abusive man.

Sorry, why are you even considering leaving your children with him for a year?!

Totally different if he was a loving dad that accommodated his children’s needs and put them first. But it doesn’t sound like he is, so it’s a no from me.

Could you use annual leave to do long weekends? So once a month you take a Monday and Friday off (or even half days) so you get two full days with them and travel on the Monday and Friday. Might be a bit less tiring.

I'd be temped it it ultimately gives you all a better life, where you can be out of his control. If it's you he's abusive to and not the kids, and with very detailed discussions and possibly family counselling with the kids to talk it through and reassurance you'll be back in 1-2 years. By that point would they be deemed old enough to have an input on where they live?

Do you think it's possible that you go and call his bluff and he quickly discovers he doesn't like the reality of full time parenting and sends the kids to you? Doesn't matter if he tells everyone you're that bad guy that took the kids, you and the kids would be at the other side of the country and know the truth.

It would be horrendously manipulative to expose minor children to the details of the breakdown of their parents' relationship. Particularly if the reason you're doing it is in the hope it will encourage the children to choose one parent over the other.

You'd have to be a spectacularly shitty and conniving parent to deliberately put your own children in that position.

No of course you shouldn't leave your DC with an abusive person who is not capable of looking after them properly. Sorry OP, but this is a no brainer for me.

He could very easily take OP to court to demand the children are returned and based on what's written here at least I'd say he'd have a strong case

This, and the family courts are also full of vindictive misogynistic arseholes so the father will feel right at home.

It's massively unfair on the OP all round, but probably best for her in the long run, to minimise stress on herself and the DC by finding a local work alternative and avoid adding any more fuel to his narcissistic fire.

I would not do this. Not a chance would I do this. Your children will feel abandoned. However you frame it. And yes, before the pile on, I’d say just the same to a man.

I agree with you OP about not going to court seeking relocation. In a 50/50 set up the parent seeking to relocate will really struggle to get permission. Your estimate of costs at £30k sounds fairly accurate if it goes to final hearing. And presumably you need to decide about the job fairly soon.

Have you considered that you will have to pay maintenance to your ex if you move away?

Finally, but probably most importantly, given your ex is so difficult I really doubt that he would agree to resume the 50/50 arrangement even were you to return to the area. By then the children will have established a whole new pattern and routine. You would likely need to engage in costly court proceedings to just get back to the situation you are in now. You might even need to take it to court to get weekend and holiday contact organised if he is really tricky.

Obviously if you cannot stand the shared care any longer then you have the option of leaving the area but I really do think you would have to that in the knowledge that the remainder of their childhoods may be with you as the patent whom they visit not live with.

If you’re in a position to be offered a really great promotion… can you hire a solicitor and get a court approved routine for visitation in case he tries something. If I were you, I would be honest about with your kids about how fantastic this opportunity would be for them but daddy only cares about daddy… undermine him as he will do you. Let your children now that if their dad is neglecting them.. to contact social services. Take the opportunity but be savvy, sneaky and beat him before he even has a try,

To all the posters who will read this and go.. “no woman would ever be so calculating” damn straight, I’m a guy and more women need to think selfishly like how I would.

@Inneedofmorecoffee you’re a stranger to me but I would say the same thing to a gf at brunch. Always be 5 steps ahead.

This had been my plan to call his bluff, and agree that I don’t care if he makes me out to be a monster to his family.
But I think he’ll leave the kids with MIL and SIL so it won’t bother him.

i also worry about how he’d poison the kids minds minds. My eldest DC has just started secondary and she probably needs my support too…

I think it's ok to tell him you plan on this to see what he'll say.
It's worth speaking to a family lawyer and ask them if a court would consider the kids opinion, then if it would speak to your kids about it and ask their opinion.

If they'd like to come with you and a lawyer thinks you'd have a strong case in court to get custody, then I think you should pursue it.

If not I'd be very worried about the long term damage caused by leaving your kids in the custody of a neglectful and abusive man any more than you legally have to.

Unfortunately, I think your last sentence is very true.

Do you know what's shittier? Raising children to think that abuse and love are linked.

I do think 10 is a bit young, but given the circumstances...

If I was being used as a pawn to hurt my mother...even at say, 8, I would have wanted to know.

Yes it hurts to find out someone you love isn't who you thought. But life is like that. Irregardless of age.

They deserve at least some of the facts so that they can make informed decisions about who they want in their life.

I think sometimes as adults we forget what it's like to be kids. We paint them in this silly Vale of innocence. Kids aren't stupid. If someone was usung me to hurt my mother I'd bloody well want to know. If someone I loved was a bully to others, I'd be sad, but it would give me all the info to make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to spend time with them.

You'd be paying maintenance, and there is no guarantee you'd get to increase custody again, and it could end up going down as they get older. You've no guarantee there is a role back in your current location in a year, and you've left them a year with someone you basically describe as abusive. I really doubt he'd be agreeable to suddenly,upping your custody when you've had your year away, I know I wouldn't