To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Why only every other weekend? Could you have them every Saturday night?

Not fair again. Why should one parent male or female Get all the fun days every single weekend while one only ever gets the drag of the school days. Also means the children never get fun days with both parents so one becomes the boring parent while
ones full of Disney.

Dads get blasted for trying to pull that shit on here.

How could you even consider leaving your child with XH, for any second longer than necessary? How?

I wouldn’t move half way across the country if it meant leaving my kids with a decent parent, let alone a crap one.

That's probably because you are not married to a vindictive arsehole, so good for you.

OP is their father a functioning adult who can cover their needs adequately, or not?

Absolutely this. Too controlling for you, but not for them? How long until he starts on them too if he has them every day. Cruel decision.

How about you position it as a choice.

Either he lets you take them and you don't claim maintenance (as you're breaking the 50:50 arrangement), or they stay with him full time for a year.

No do not leave your kids! I've seen this happen with a friend. She left for a better job after a nasty break up. It's a carbon copy of your situation. The 3 kids lived with her twat of an ex. Very quickly, things went wrong. Her ex was suddenly the victim, she was the ultimate villain, and his family rallied to help him raise the kids who had been 'abandoned by their heartless mother'. The kids became teens and no longer wanted contact with their mum.
I wouldn't if I were you, you'll regret it. Just wait another few years and the world's your oyster.

Yes, but when divorced couples cop aren’t well, they would agree to this on a temporary basis to help the other parent with career progression that will benefit the children. If they want the kids on a Saturday or Sunday then that would be fine, but equally, they would try to support a weekly slot. A fortnight is a long time not to see your kids.

Focus only on what's best for your kids. I can't help thinking this arrangement isn't in their best interests. I personally couldn't do this, especially as you say your ex has been abusive in the past. Maybe not to the kids yet but it doesn't mean he won't start.

Thanks for this. I’d get relocation package which means I’d be able to run 2 homes. ( obviously makes a dent and the move less financially beneficial over time, but still ok)

agree on the weekends and I think that may be sticking point. I’m not sure if it would just break me- it’s almost a full day of travelling after what will be a busy working week. There would be no down time, and I’d worry I’d make myself miserable. But also two weekends with my kids doesn’t feel enough.

but long term I want to able to restore my finances so I can give my kids a stable future and comfortable home.

I want to do the best for them. I feel like I can’t leave them, but if I don’t take the job I’m risking a much tighter future financially.

Not a chance I would chose a job that meant I would only see my kids 2 days a week (leaving out the fact you are leaving them with someone you know to be abusive).

If I was your child I was resent you for taking it - I would see it as you deserting me.

I can't see a world in which money wins over my kids. Obviously we all want more money etc and it sucks to turn down good opportunities but I would never leave my kids.

Have you factored paying CMS to your ex into your calculations?

If you're still keeping on your home is there no flexibility in requesting a day wfh and travelling back Thursday evening, and having the kids for longer?

Personally based on the description of your ex there's no way I'd leave my dc there. I wouldn't risk calling his bluff either. He would probably tell the kids that you e done it.

No, it really isn’t in the best interests of the children.

Remember op that you have a huge advantage whilst you live near your ex.
The dc will grow and see him for what he is.

Bide your time.
Communicate as little as necessary with your ex.
In just 4 more years your dc can make a choice.

In the meantime hone your skills and be ready to move ASAP.

And keep a diary of facts, not emotion.
If the dc ever question events have a factual timeline to show them.

The idea of being physically far from his reach is so tempting, the idea of having breathing space from the truma would be so amazing. But even if you managed to do it I expect what you're DC could possibly be going through with him would be on your mind worrying you and stressing you out and if things went really wrong you might have trouble getting that 50% back. I know someone who this happened to and he stepped up the parental alienation and convinced her boys that she didn't love them or she wouldn't have moved. Completely alienated them from her, they refused to see her, it was heartbreaking.

My XH is abusive, he's done a lot of harm to our DDs mental health and she now barely copes with the 2 nights a week he gets them. Angry moods or lack of care can do a lot of harm. I'm guessing they're 9 & 11? My DDs nearly 12 and I know they'll start considering what she wants soon, that's my back up, I've said to her if it ever gets to bad we'll stop contact and by the time we get to court she'll be listened to at least to some extent. I'd hang on to that option, it might feel an eternity right now but in a couple of years both will be old enough to have what they want taken into account and you'll have more options.

Are you in the UK OP? Can he legally stop you moving within the UK and taking them?

In your situation I would only go if I could take the kids. He doesn’t sound like a decent parent. Leaving them with him means they would likely be controlled by him instead of you.

This has been as much about escaping him as the new job.

I was just about to say this OP and then you said it. Unfortunately you can't escape him if he is the kids' co-parent. Please don't abandon your kids - that's how it will feel from a kid's point of view even if you wear yourself out travelling up twice a month.

From reading similar cases on here, what you can do is minimise your engagement with him. When he's trying to wind you up - don't rise to it or show him you are bothered. Kids say he didn't take them to a club as it was raining - "oh dear, that's a shame". Once the kids are older teens he'll have less and less control over you and the kids. Once they are adults you can hopefully forget he exists.

@SlothOnARope i would say functioning. And good enough, but not great.

He is very narcissistic ( I know it’s a cliche, but true in this case) so it’s all about him. He takes pride in being an ‘amazing dad’ in front of family and on social media.

but expects me to take them if he’s going out ( uses me as unpaid childcare on ‘his’ days), doesn’t take them if t doesn’t suit. Does nice things for instagram, but won’t do the daily grind. Homework never done at his for example. Or he’ll make a big thing about doing it once then not for months.

kids often late for school, haven’t had breakfast, wearing odd socks or dirty of old clothes because h can’t be bothered to do laundry. That kind of thing.

so the kids love the ‘Disney dad’ aspect. He talks to them ( is a performative parent who likes to preen about what a cool dad he is), but he doesn’t actually respond to their ‘boring’ daily needs.

You have a "close relationship" with your kids but you are contemplating leaving them in the care of someone you think doesn’t look after them well, who can be abusive and controlling, and seeing them only every other weekend for a year at the very least (with absolutely no guarantee that it won’t be for much longer, and that they would ever want to return to living with you anyway)? I’m afraid I simply can’t understand that.

Is there an option of hybrid working in this new role? How do you and exH currently do 50/50, do you split the week? Could you do a full week on and a full week off? And then work remotely on the weeks off?

I'm sorry you are in such a shit situation OP.

But I wouldn't go. Not a hope would I leave them behind. Find a way to make a better life for you and the kids where you are. Or take them with you if at all possible.

Is your new job flexible? Could you take one Friday off per month and drive back, making up the hours when you don't have the kids with you? Can they be with you for all of the holidays... maybe even taking the train there alone?

This would’ve been possible with an ex who was even remotely amicable, but he’d refuse to cooperate and do everything in his control to mess it up.

again - I could go through courts but it takes close to a year for a court to decide on a new arrangement