To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

[Inneedofmorecoffee]

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home.

I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids.

exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible.

he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!).

he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs

im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city.

but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them.

the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce.

i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

I would usually say take the job and more money but I think the cost is too high. Your children may not thank you for the money and opportunities and may just remember that you moved away.

Focus on growing your career where you are, or convince your ExH to let you take them with you. For me those would be the only 2 options.

You'd be escaping him at the expense of leaving your dependent kids with him, someone you say doesn't tend to their needs in the way he should and tried to stop medical treatment for one. You can guarantee from what you've said he would alienate you.
Is it really worth it?

God, don't leave them with him. He will be apopletic that he's lost control of you and take it out on them. His concern clearly isn't about them and more about you. Also, it would give him unfettered access to pour lies about you into their ears.

If I were you, I'd quietly take the job, get a home sorted, sort a school out for the children behind the scenes and then deal with the fallout afterwards. A court wouldn't remove kids who are already in a school. You'd have enough evidence to prove he's a controlling and abusive man. I don't think he could do much once you'd upped and left. Just make sure the kids are in a school.

So you’re prepared to sacrifice your relationship with your kids for the sake of money?

You say that he’s an arsehole, so it’s ok for you to have left him but b it’s ok to leave the kids with him while you flit off and pursue a new life and a new job?

Every weekend isn’t doable, and whatever people think of this man, if this was the other way around people would be saying that it’s not fair to leave the woman with the weekday drudgery and for the father to appear at weekends for all the good stuff.

So in essence you would get to see your children for four days a month, not even that given you’d have to give them back early on Sunday to be back at work for the Monday, and you think you can just swan back in after a year and have them back?

It’s disingenuous to suggest that they may be turned against you by their father. They might be this is true, however it’s also entirely possible that they will be resentful of you for dumping them on their father who you say is an arsehole and disappeared to the other end of the country and only saw them every couple of weeks for a day or so. After a year they may be perfectly happy to stay with their father and only see you eOW.

And FWIW I judge anyone who moves miles away from their kids, and anyone who moves their kids miles away from their other parent as well.

I am so sorry OP for your situation. It sounds like he has trapped you.

Unfortunately, this is not the time in your dcs' lives for a job like this so far away.

Your dcs will feel like you abandoned them and he will not miss an opportunity to remind them.

Please don't do this.

No, don't do it.

This kind of man will spin things to make you look as bad as possible to the DC.

If he succeeds in ruining your relationship with your DC, it's very possible you will never get it back.

It's too big a risk to take given he's got form for making life difficult for you.

If I were you, I'd quietly take the job, get a home sorted, sort a school out for the children behind the scenes and then deal with the fallout afterwards. A court wouldn't remove kids who are already in a school. You'd have enough evidence to prove he's a controlling and abusive man. I don't think he could do much once you'd upped and left. Just make sure the kids are in a school.

He has 50/50 he is an equal parent. If he decided to do this do you think it would be acceptable, would you expect the courts to say hard luck Mum they are in school 6 hours away suck it up?

OP... do you have any close family of your own (so on your side) living nearby? On 'your weekends' could your children be in their care? Men do this all the time, have their children but do nothing with them, the grandparents do the care for that time period?

Might that be an option? You'd presumably be doing the weekend once a month then (with your relative doing the other)?

I'm very sorry, I can't help thinking of more dastardly but effective solutions.

You need to keep a detailed list of all the occasions, with dates, when the children aren’t taken to clubs, don’t do homework, get sent to school in dirty clothes, he doesn’t stick to arrangements / promises etc. Ask their schools for co-operation with this. If you had months' worth of concrete evidence like this you would stand a much better chance of a court agreeing to your request for them to move with you to a different new job.

I asked that question because I had v similar.

With these types you cannot win whatever you do. He is hellbent on making your life a misery because in his malfunctioning mind, everything is your fault. He must now be seen as a victim and as the perfect father, at all costs.

If you go, he will invest a lot of energy in trashing your reputation and making you look like a terrible person and bad mother. You will feel guilty - no matter how unfair that is, because you should have exactly the same right to a career as a male parent.

If you stay, he will do the same. But you won't feel guilty, your kids will be cared for to your high standards, and his bullshit will be easier to ignore.

Keep logs and journals of absolutely everything and keep all communications fact-based and child-centred, best of luck.

Do you really think he'd agree to it?

if you just said you're taking the job & either he agrees to the kids going or you'll leave them with him, what do you think he'd say?

The school needs to be agreed by both parents. OP can’t enroll her children in a school without their father’s consent.

Am I crazy to think of doing this?

Of leaving your kids with your abusive ex husband and moving 6 hours away? Um, yes, you are.

And are you realistically going to do a 12 hour round trip every other weekend???

If you could afford it, you could get a nanny to bring them up for the holidays or you could take them down to him for the holidays.

can you seeeten it with you taking them but him not paying CMS?

If my kids were... 10 and 12? I'd sit them down and tell them everything (or pretty much everything). Give them the actual facts.

Talk to them about abuse and how we should never stay with abusers. That sometimes we love the wrong people but when we realise it, we should run.

Then tell them that cats don't like it when their mice escape. That their father will use them to hurt you. That he has openly told you that.

Show them any proof you have of their father's nastiness.

Hopefully they will decide that dad is a wanker and they don't want contact, at least over the next few years.

And at 10 and 12, a judge will likely take their wishes into account.

Of course he will kick off claiming you're keeping his kids from him, but so what?

But tell them about the abuse and speak to them about how we should never stay with bullies.

I don't think you should do this unless you can take the children with you.
He is obviously not a good parent and anything can happen in a year. If he was abusive to you he could be abusive to your children. At the best it sounds like he might be neglectful.
It's very difficult but in your circumstances I would turn down the job to make sure you are present for your children.

Is it a role you can do remotely?
Is there any way to discuss the issues you have, with the potential employer, before you commit?

I would not leave my kids with him based on your description.

I don’t understand the point of this.

Just because men do it doesn’t mean it’s a good option that is in the best interests of the child .

The kids will be wanting to see their mum. Their gran or cousin or uncle from their Mum’s side is not an adequate substitute. And it’s just increasing the instability or lack of consistency in their lives.

And get herself accused of parental alienation. Not a very wise move.

Represent yourself, no need for barristers

Sorry OP but I think you need to find another solution. A year to us as adults is nothing, but to a child it's a very long time. It's a shame to miss the opportunity, but I agree that he can do a lot of damage to your relationship with DC in a year. I wouldn't do it.

Someone said people wouldn’t think about a man who asked this but I totally would. Even read your op, nothing about this sounds like a good thing bar the actual job. Nothing is worth your kids not seeing you that much and definitely not if they’re just going to be left to it. Sorry though x

They're old enough to know the truth.

Parental alienation would be made up shit used to confuse a young child.

Just - this is what happened and this is why I left him. I don't stay with bullies.

Then the kids can make up their own minds based on that.

Blueberryjamming, it's not ideal. The weekend that OP wouldn't see them would be 'placeholder' but hopefully with family that the children would like to spend time with anyway.

I was trying to think of ways in which the OP could move yet maintain the status quote for the few years until her children can decide for themselves.

Patio it is.