Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

That’s not a bad idea 😬

Also: how can they stop you having kids IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM (as long as the hotel allow it). Zilla alert indeed

I kind of feel that you should have waited for the invitation prior to booking rather than assuming that they were invited. Childfree weddings are so common now. If they allow your kids, they have to allow the kids of other guests; perhaps their budget simply does not permit this.

Not if they can't get a refund on their flights and hotels?! Then for sure they should use the tickets.

agreed, totally, that's what I'm saying.

Brother is being totally unreasonable.

I'd take the kids to the hotel regardless of what he says or I'd just attend the ceremony (on my own, whilst husband minds kids) and not attend the party bit at all.
I'd also be telling brother and wtb A few home truths.

If it's a place you'd like to holiday then go.

I might look into not even being anywhere near the wedding at all I think & just make it into a holiday.

Flights are not always refundable. You can pay an admin fee or some you can just rebook using the flight credit for a different holiday.

Have your holiday and don’t attend the wedding. How disingenuous on their part to not have stipulated this and allow you to still book your flights for your children when they know you have young children and their wedding will be child free. Some people don’t realise that not everyone has to care about their wedding like they do and it’s just not feasible to make your small children “disappear” at the behest of them. Utterly ridiculous.

but they'd have to leave the children 2 hours away from the wedding with a random all day (and pay) then how do they get back to them? drive? late on probably? as I overheard last week; "get to fuck, says I"

No they don’t. I have been to many weddings where only siblings are allowed to bring children. Unless bride has about 20 nieces and nephews it shouldn’t be a problem

Honestly in this scenario I would inform your brother that you will be bringing your children to the wedding or you will not come.

Can you cancel the flights or change them to another destination?

Another vote for going on hols instead.

I wouldn't go unless they allow the kids! Shocking and inconsiderate behaviour!

Unless he's booked out the entire hotel he gets no say in who stays there. There could well be children there that are nothing to do with his wedding; what's he going to do if he sees a child there? Contact the hotel to see if they have a babysitting service. Or don't go.

You don't invite close family with young children to a wedding on the other side of the world and let them book flights without making it absolutely clear from the outset that it is a child free wedding.

If you cannot cancel the flights, then amend the hotel to one in a less rural location (ie same airport different hotel and location).
Skip the wedding and have a holiday.
I'd be annoyed as I prefer to have a holiday somewhere of my own choosing, so I'd only do this if unable to cancel

Read it again

I do love when childless people make these suggestions. Can’t wait for them to have kids and realise what a-holes they were.

Did he actually say that your children are 'not welcome'. How awful.

It depends. If he told you and the wider family that hurray! They're getting married in x place on x date, and then you went ahead and booked, I think you jumped the gun a bit by booking. If you told him you were planning on booking now, before having the details on the invitation, I think he should have told you.

It depends. If he told you and the wider family that hurray! They're getting married in x place on x date, and then you went ahead and booked, I think you jumped the gun a bit by booking. If you told him you were planning on booking now, before having the details on the invitation, I think he should have told you.

Would it even be possible for you to find a babysitter in the city they live in to cover you attending the wedding? Presumably you'd need at least an overnight (so 1-2 days) and maybe longer (2-3 days) if you're meant to be there the night before.

Surely it's quite difficult to arrange for this sort of childcare to be provided by a stranger (as opposed to family), let alone in a different country? And where are the kids meant to be looked after? In the babysitter's house? In a hotel room or rented accommodation? Or is your brother planning to let the kids and babysitter stay at his place?

It's not just a question of not wanting to leave the kids with a stranger (though I completely understand this). I just don't think this kind of childcare is readily available. Does he not understand that or has he just given no thought to your situation whatsoever?

Are they going to stand at the door of the hotel like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings shouting ‘You shall not pass!’? Have they hired (and paid) for the entire hotel? If not, they don’t get to tell you not to bring the dc. Fair enough, no children at the ceremony/reception, but otherwise, do your thing!

No they don't, nieces and nephews are clearly very different to kids of friends.