Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 02/09/2024 18:00

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2024 17:35

Dear brother

The proposal to leave our very young children 2 hours away from us with strangers in a foreign country would be extremely neglectful. This is not something we would consider in the uk, let alone abroad. We are incredibly upset that this plan was not communicated to us as we never would have booked plane tickets and the hotel. We cannot agree to leave them under any circumstance. If their basic needs cannot be accommodated, we unfortunately won’t be able to attend the wedding.

I think this message is clear, but too formal. I think I'd be talking to my brother on the phone and ask him why he waited until you'd booked tickets before telling you that you can't bring the DC? And ask him to refund the money, because of course you can't leave a small child and a baby with strangers overnight, what was he thinking, and it's his fault you've been put in this position, and you can't afford to lose that amount of money. I'd be asking what does he intend to do to put it right, because he's caused this mess.

StormingNorman · 02/09/2024 18:01

Why let one day ruin a month long holiday?

Go to the wedding alone to see your brother get married and leave DH with the kids.

You’re obviously upset your children aren’t invited, but it is a bit of an overreaction to want to call the whole thing off.

Child-free weddings aren’t that uncommon and you aren’t going to the country only for the wedding. I could understand your reaction more if you were flying out just for the weekend and the kids would be stuck in a hotel the entire time, but it’s such a small part of your trip.

CormorantStrikesBack · 02/09/2024 18:02

I’d use the flights and have a holiday and not bother with the wedding at all.

Conniebygaslight · 02/09/2024 18:02

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

You don’t need to ask your brother if this is possible, it’s up to you and your DP. Your brother is an arse and should be bloody ashamed of himself.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2024 18:02

Maddy70 · 02/09/2024 16:54

Its a child free wedding ...they have got baby sitters. Its only for the day. The rest of the time ypu have them. Baby sitters at the hotel /venue so you can check on them periodically

You should have waited for the invitation before booking everything frankly

She has ACTUALLY spoken to her ACTUAL brother who knew the situation

You don't think he should have mentioned the child-free bit?

Why on earth did he let his sister go ahead with the booking?

I'd transfer the booking and tell him to shove his wedding where the sun doesn't shine, personally

RampantIvy · 02/09/2024 18:03

You have a hotel booking for you and the kids, so how do they propose banning your kids from the hotel?

That's a good point. If the hotel has accepted the booking then it clearly isn't an adult only hotel.

The zillas can't dictate who stays there.

urghhh47 · 02/09/2024 18:04

I hope they regret their decision when they have their own children! I'd either go on holiday and tell them you'll see them for a day before the ceremony or cancel. Either way I wouldn't leave my children with a total stranger (unless that is what I wanted to do) and I wouldn't be dictated to by my brother as to what I can or can't do in the hotel - that's plain batshit!

OpizpuHeuvHiyo · 02/09/2024 18:05

Have the holiday you planned. Don't go to the wedding. Let your relative know your itinerary and that you'll be delighted to make some time to see them while you are in the country but that there is absolutely no way you will be leaving your children with anyone in order to attend a child-free wedding so sadly you cannot accept their invitation.

LissyG · 02/09/2024 18:06

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/09/2024 17:27

People do not travel long distance for just a weekend. That's such a silly suggestion.

Show quote history

I overlooked that it was the other side of the world. No need to be funny.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 02/09/2024 18:06

They can't stop you taking your children to a hotel, how you then arrange attending the wedding is up to you. Or just see them before the wedding, with your children, wish them luck say what a pity it is you can't attend the actual wedding (due to the children not being invited) and enjoy your holiday.

GravitasShortfall · 02/09/2024 18:08

StormingNorman · 02/09/2024 18:01

Why let one day ruin a month long holiday?

Go to the wedding alone to see your brother get married and leave DH with the kids.

You’re obviously upset your children aren’t invited, but it is a bit of an overreaction to want to call the whole thing off.

Child-free weddings aren’t that uncommon and you aren’t going to the country only for the wedding. I could understand your reaction more if you were flying out just for the weekend and the kids would be stuck in a hotel the entire time, but it’s such a small part of your trip.

I get the impression they ARE only going because of the wedding though, and the travel has been turned in to a holiday to make the expense and logistics worthwhile. OP stated how tricky it was financially doing this as a family of 4. Had she known the kids weren’t invited and her husband would have to miss the wedding to look after them, she may well have decided to fly alone and stay a much shorter time or even not attend at all. I’d be upset too if he waited until he knew I’d booked for the whole family and then he casually dropped in that the kids aren’t welcome.

I say that as a child free woman who would only ever have a child free wedding. If you are going to have that kind of wedding, especially an expensive destination wedding, you have to 1) give TONS of notice of it being child free and definitely at the same time as you invite people and 2) be gracious about people refusing due to childcare.

wordler · 02/09/2024 18:08

Give your brother the choice of either:

You at the wedding with your DH looking after the children in the hotel room at the wedding location (not two hours away in the city)

You and DH and the kids spend some time with him and bride on a day before or after the wedding and not go to the wedding day itself at all.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 02/09/2024 18:13

Moveoverdarlin · 02/09/2024 16:48

I would be livid. No way would I leave two young children (1 of which is a baby) with a stranger two hours away on the other side of the world.

You have two options as far as I can see it.

  1. Cancel and not go at all.
  2. Go as planned on the trip. But on the day of the wedding your DH stays with the children and you attend the wedding alone.

But yeah you have every right to be furious.

Third option:
Go as planned on the trip. Meet DB and bride before - bound to happen as there will be family dinners etc. before the big day, and say all bright and breezy:
"Oh we won't actually be at the wedding due to no children, we totally understand, not a problem, we'll spend the day at the zoo/beach/picnic in the country/whatever and see you all next day / after the honeymoon / whenever".

Pretend you are not the least upset, and let the bride fume.

PrettyPickle · 02/09/2024 18:14

I think your brother, in the throws of his "Big Love" has lost a sense of empathy. Was he aware you were booking your hotels and flights for the whole family, prior to sending the official invitation? If the answer was yes, then he is truly inconsiderate and doesn't deserve your attendance.

You need to tell him you love him and have gone to great practical and financial expense to be with him for his special day BUT, you are parents to very young children who you CANNOT and WILLNOT leave overnight with strangers. Had you been aware of this, you would not have considered attending, despite desperately wishing to be their on their special day. However having only just being told that children are not welcome (why, oh way did he not say this BEFORE you booked the travel) and the travel arrangements are non-refundable, you will be staying at the hotel and will organise someone to look after the children in the hotel room, in order for you to attend the wedding and you will keep checking in on them. Stress you are not even happy with this solution but feel he has given you no option.

If he is not happy with this compromise, then you will have to sadly decline the invitation and treat it as a family holiday. Tell him you love him, but he has made decisions which clash with the welfare of your children and as an adult, you have to put their health and well being first.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 18:15

Cyclingforcake · 02/09/2024 17:54

I’m all for child-free weddings but I’ve always understood that that to mean child-free except nieces and nephews of the bride and groom, tiny non-mobile babies and anyone who’s made the effort to travel long-haul to get there.

Each to their own of course, but then surely that wouldn't really be a "child free wedding" - especially not if "those who can't get childcare" are tacked on, which seems a pretty common expectation among some parents

Call me old fashioned, but I've always believed that if you accept an invitation then you accept it in all its parts rather than quibbling, though if something genuinely hasn't been made clear (rather than just being unwelcome to the guest) I see no issue with clarifying it

jannier · 02/09/2024 18:17

SausageRoll2020 · 02/09/2024 16:48

Did you just presume your children were invited? Or was there originally a plan to have children at the wedding which has now changed?

You have the option to leave your children with a babysitter and by the sound of things the wedding is still a few months away which means you have plenty of time to book someone who is qualified/has whatever DBS type checks are relevant in that country.

Would you seriously leave very young children with strangers 2 hours away and overnight?

Clarabell77 · 02/09/2024 18:18

I can’t believe people are saying you should’ve waited for the invitation. I would assume a sibling would want my children at their wedding and if it’s one where travel and accommodation needs booked if the kids weren’t wanted this should be clear from the start, so that you would know not to book anything.

I find people who want adult only weddings a bit strange…. It’s a family occasion.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/09/2024 18:18

I wouldn’t go. Of the many child-free weddings I’ve been to, there has usually been a close family member with a baby there because it can’t be helped and it’s the groom/bride’s sibling who wouldn’t be able to attend otherwise. And you know, they want their niece or nephew there for the photos?! It’s bonkers. I’d draft in your parents to have a word if they are so inclined 😂😂

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 18:18

Since it's all booked I'd say all go but only you attend the wedding . That way you can enjoy your holiday as a family.

If it wasn't booked I wouldn't be going

jannier · 02/09/2024 18:18

Maddy70 · 02/09/2024 16:54

Its a child free wedding ...they have got baby sitters. Its only for the day. The rest of the time ypu have them. Baby sitters at the hotel /venue so you can check on them periodically

You should have waited for the invitation before booking everything frankly

The groom said no to babysitters at the hotel.

LoobyDoop2 · 02/09/2024 18:19

I totally support people’s right to have a child-free wedding, I had one myself, and didn’t make an exception for siblings’ kids. But to let you spend all that money and then tell you was really unfair. I think I’d cancel, though. You being there but not at the wedding could be seen as an attempt to guilt them into making a last minute exception, and could just make the whole thing escalate. Presumably however pissed off you are, and reasonably so, you don’t actually want to ruin the wedding and make it all about you.

Poppins21 · 02/09/2024 18:19

StaunchMomma · 02/09/2024 17:54

I'd be cancelling the lot. What a way to treat your own nieces and nephews - not even allowing them to be at the venue!

If they don't want childcare in the hotel, I bet they won't want your DH to have them in the room, either. That would 100% be it for me.

People put too much into 'their day/we'll have what we want', IMO. It's just a bloody day, FFS. Why would anyone want to make things so difficult for close family members?!

when we planned our wedding I wanted all guests to enjoy the day…this was important to us.

jannier · 02/09/2024 18:19

I'd call the hotel direct and ask about babysitters

OVienna · 02/09/2024 18:20

At a risk of a 'cancel the cheque' moment here, I have re-read the OPs posts and I don't see where she says there are no babysitters at the hotel, just that the SIL to be is only familiar with some in the city. I'd call the hotel - I'd lay money on them being able to find some solution (even if it's a staff member, for example) the OP could pay for. Then I'd present it to the brother as a fait accompli. What are they going to do? Run the kids out of town?

autienotnaughty · 02/09/2024 18:20

Btw I wouldn't ask his permission to do this. Assuming it's not a child free hotel.