Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

In this case it isn’t that simple. They have already bought tickets for the whole family to travel long haul to attend the wedding.

They aren’t just popping down to their local register office.

Don’t be silly. There are plenty of babysitting companies abroad. Social services would be very busy if using one was a red flag.

Personally though I opted not to use a local babysitter while on holiday this year as I felt my kids were too young (3 and 1). Will probably be at least another couple of years before I felt they were old enough and at that point they’ll probably manage a slightly later evening with us anyway.

I would be looking to cancel and get my money back.

Assuming you are not going to cancel the trip, then if you can't find a babysitting arrangement at the hotel that you are happy with, then I would attend the wedding, at least briefly, leaving your children with DH. What I wouldn't definitely wouldn't do, is fly all the way to a city where my brother is getting married and not attend at all, just to make some kind of point. That way leads to a real breakdown of your relationship, and it isn't worth it (unless you really don't value that relationship). Yes, he has messed up here, but it's not the worst crime in the world. Probably just cluelessness. If you respond by not attending the wedding then you are just exacerbating things and it could easily spiral.

If you are able to get most of your money back and decide it is not worth the cost and time of travel if you can't all go, then explain this kindly, without excessive blame. Can you travel out there to visit him and his new wife later, when you can all spend time more together? Or is he coming to the UK any time soon and you could have a special dinner to mark their marriage? Don't turn this into a major row.

My sister got married in Vegas when my 3 Dc were very young, (youngest 18 months). She made it very clear that Vegas wasn't a place for children but that she expected me to be there. I went through all sorts of turmoil trying to figure out how I could manage it. In the end I just didn't go, the hotel she was staying in and getting married in caught fire and everyone had to be evacuated. I'm so glad that my DH wasn't watching that on the news knowing I was there. My sister hasn't spoken to me since and that was nearly 20 years ago....she's never had children. Child free weddings are fine if that's what you want but people need to understand that not everyone will be able to make it.

I think dh to stay with kids for the ceremony part and then tag team for the rest of it. But you could cancel if you can get your money back.

What about secret option 3?

All four of you go and the kids crash the wedding. People do it all the time, (I have seen it often enough) usually what happens is a few whispers and then everyone just gets on with it. I suppose a lot depends on the temperament of the happy couple, so use your judgement!

If you cancel would you even be able to get any of your money back from your insurance?
I'd go and tag team it. Unless they've booked out the entire hotel surely other families would be at the venue?

If many if your family members normally live in that country and you haven’t seen them for some time, unless the wedding couple have booked the hotel for exclusive use, I would book into the hotel and contact family to meet up the day after the wedding.

It was discussed with the brother before the OP booked the tickets. He then pulled the rug from under her feet.

Besides, it isn't unreasonable to assume that if you are invited to a wedding the other side of the world where all the potential childcare has been invited as well that yourchildren would be included.

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I'd revoke my wedding acceptance! Send a congratulations card and if you can, try transfer your flights and have the holiday you want and that suits your family.

Why would insurance pay out for this???

I would let him know no holds barred about this and definitely say if the kids can't come, none of us will.

How much would you lose if you cancel?

I'd be absolutely furious. Can your parents put pressure on him/her as well?

They wouldn't. It is 'disinclination to travel' which isn't covered

Brother should have mentioned this at the beginning, before arrangements were made.

I wonder if they didn’t make that decision at the beginning, but I think he should make an exception for you because of all your outlay. I think it’s expected you would start to book stuff as soon as it was announced as it’s such a big trip.

This 100%! People are far too polite with this sort of bullshit. This is why these self absorbed people don't realise they are the ones being the dicks as no one tells them!

I don't think you should tag team op, that sounds like an utterly shit time. I wouldn't go.

Don't crash the wedding with the kids. What would be the point? You'll just destroy any relationship you have left with your brother. Better to talk to him about this and if he won't budge then decline the invitation.
You can be as honest/blunt with him as you see fit - you don't need to pussyfoot around how unreasonable he's being. But don't be underhand - it's still his wedding and people never forget when guests deliberately undermine.

You see I think this is totally bad etiquette from your sister. My understanding of destination weddings is that you are free to have one but you absolutely have to accept that some will choose not to come or even be physically incapable of attending. Shame on your sister for effectively ending your relationship over this.

UnctuousUnicorns · Yesterday 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday.

Yes, I agree that this is the best advice. He's fucked you over, so don't feel bad when he moans that you didn't go to his wedding.

Thing is though, I'm sure OP wouldn't have chosen to go to the other side of the world with very young DC for a holiday. Long-haul is no fun with toddlers.
Her brother has behaved appallingly.

I agree with OP not going but she'd probably lose a fortune if cancelled, she's been put in a ridiculous position.

Brother should reimburse her tbh.

If their niece/nephew just being at the hotel makes it a 'horrible experience' for the 'zillas, then that would be the last event of theirs I ever go to. Would likely sour the relationship completely.

Isn't he 'destroying it' already?