Furious about family wedding abroad

[Creamandjamorjamandcream]

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

I'd start off by asking other family members to "have a word" with Bro and try to talk some sense into him. Has he always been thoughtless, or is it coming more from future SIL?

If that doesn't work, I'd send a message explaining that we will not be able to attend the wedding, but will make time for a meal together at the holiday destination after the wedding. I'd be civil but not gushing - he really has behaved badly here.

This is just my opinion but... Most weddings are boring and shit. Kids are usually the ones most enjoying themselves especially at the evening party. If there's no kids then they're usually even more smug, self-indulgent and boring. People who don't want their own family's children at their wedding obviously don't really care about the true social and family purpose of a wedding therefore the whole thing is just a pointless charade.

People who want child-free weddings usually either want this for the best instagram posts or to get blind drunk/behave so inappropriately in the evening that children shouldn't be witnessing it. I'm not interested in being a part of either of these things. I do understand not wanting children screaming/interupting at the actual ceremony. However, if this is really important then the bride/groom could organise childcare for a couple of hours in the same building which would be much more comfortable for young parents.

OP what your brother has done is an utter dick move and I would just not attend. I'd cancel what you can. If you can't cancel the flights could you maybe find something family friendly to do in the area or take another internal flight somewhere else? I honestly would make no further effort to pander to your brother. Prioritise your little family because nobody else is going to.

Still enjoy the travel and go to the ceremony, taking turns with your spouse.
Take a baby sitter there with you and find somewhere that is fun nearby. You might only get an hour at the wedding together (while babysitter cares for kids) but you will get the vibe and have a wonderful family holiday, as planned.

I'd treat it as a holiday , don't go to the wedding but see your brother before / after the day itself just as you would if you were visiting at any other time

If you can't get a refund, then I'd do this. If all your family will be there then even if they can't look after the kids during the wedding day, surely there will be other days and you can have a really nice holiday.

Where would they get this babysitter? The babysitter would either have to stay and expect a room of their own or be a local if they could get themselves back… this is a lot to organise, and that’s before you consider this ridiculous demand children not even be allowed on the hotel grounds to taint their precious wedding.

No, it's not new information. But it's quite clear. Whether or not the hotel is actually childfree and whether or not they have a babysitting service the couple (clearly the B&G are the "they" in that sentence) have said they don't want children anywhere near the wedding. So even if OP is happy to leave her children with a stranger and the hotel allow it it's still against the couple's wishes. So still makes the entire experience horrible for everyone.

Well this is just the daftest comment! If the wedding is say, Australia, did db expect them to leave their kids at home for a few weeks and attend his wedding?!?

it doesn’t matter on the qualifications and dbs status of a potential babysitter any decent parent would not be wanting to leave such young children alone with a complete stranger especially in a location some way away from them and in a foreign country! Do you even have children???

OP I would go as if it’s a holiday and fck the wedding right off

I think you have every right to be upset op. As much as you could ‘just treat it as a holiday’, I’m sure you wouldn’t have chosen to take your very young DC to the other side of the world for a family holiday that you could’ve had much closer to home. What do your parents think….?

Don’t go to the wedding. Your brothers is a spineless moron. Lines have been drawn and stick to them. With such a long a distance wedding is the perfect excuse to turn down an invitation.

Exactly this. The couple are either ignorant or rude.
I wouldn't bother going to the wedding.

"the other side of the world" - would not even consider travelling for a wedding especially with 2 small children.

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

That is really out of order. You're travelling a long way. I'd say just tell him this is what you'll be doing - he can't stop you having your children with you in a hotel room you're paying for ...

You assumed and should have checked before you booked anything. It's not your brothers fault

Assuming that your brother would welcome you and your children if they'd crossed the globe for your wedding? I think it's fairly understandable to assume that your children would be welcomed.

This is madness - no one would wait for a formal invitation when they've been speaking to their brother for weeks about travel arrangements etc. The onus is on the B&G to make sure she knew her children weren't welcome from the outset.

Theres no way in hell I'd leave my children with a stranger. It's massively unreasonable of him to think it's no big deal and you'll happily be two hours away from your babies, overnight, and with some total random looking after them. DBS checks etc don't guarantee anything!

Honestly if my brother didn’t want my children at the wedding I wouldn’t go. His right to chose the guest list and my right to decline.

When we got married we said no kids otherwise it would have turned into a kids party which we didn't want!

However, that did not apply to our immediate family. Our siblings were allowed to bring theirs and everyone understood. So we had 3 in total

I think it's pretty shitty that your brother can't do the same for you, especially as it's an oversees wedding. I also wouldn't leave mine with random babysitters! He hasn't got a clue....

I wouldn’t do this. It will be very hard to keep the kids entertained in the room for that long. My first choice would be to cancel everything if you can get the money back. Second option to take a holiday there and take the kids for a day trip the day of the wedding.

The groom and bride are being outrageously unreasonable to not have stipulated no kids from the start.

They'll get over it..

This is exactly what I'd do ^

Have a wonderful holiday ......

.....you go to the ceremony whilst DH looks after the children

Then.....leave the event and enjoy your fabulous break

I agree. Please don't do anything to make yourself or more importantly your baby uncomfortable or unsafe. It's totally not worth it.

Sorry but your brother knew that this would massively upset and inconvenience you, that's why he chose not to be transparent with you in the first place. He's tried really hard to back you into a corner but refuse to be. As pp have said it's an invitation not a summons. A simple 'I'm sorry brother but it just doesn't work for us to come without our baby. We have decided that we're going to do x/y/z instead. It's a shame that you weren't clear about this from the start as we could then have avoided paying for flights and accomodation that we didn't need'

Put your children first!

I don’t understand why people panic over weddings, if it doesn’t suit you then don’t go…the only people that need to be there are the bride and groom.

let them deal with any family fallout that results from their actions.

If you decide not to cancel I wouldn’t go to the wedding itself. Your soon to be SIL may make exceptions for the children of her family/close friends to be at the wedding, and that would further enrage you.

Yeah I’d be furious
(in their slight defence i think people without children are a bit naive about how difficult it is to organise appropriate childcare in such situations but that absolutely does not excuse them letting you know this after you booked the flights!)

if your dh is ok to stay with the kids then I suppose that’s the best option but it’s a bit shit tbh. If you can get most of your money back, cancel. Or use the flights to go on an amazing family holiday instead.