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Original poster

Furious about family wedding abroad

619 replies

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:39

A close family member has lived on the other side of the word for the last five years. He met someone over there who seems great (we’ve only actually met her once when they spent some time in Europe) and last year he proposed!

We have been discussing flights and accommodation for a few weeks. We are a family of 4 with a 4 year old and an 18 month old so it was always going to be tricky financially and practically to travel. They live in a major city but the wedding will be about two hours away in a beautiful rural location. We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore.

Last week we received a formal invitation which stipulated that it was an adults only wedding. I immediately contacted my brother to make sure that our kids were not included in the ban - seeing as he knew we had booked flights for us all and this had never been mentioned. Unfortunately he said that our children were not welcome at the wedding however his wife to be had the details of some baby sitters in the city.

I don’t know what to do!! I am furious that we have paid so much money for accommodation and travel which I never would have if I’d have known our children weren’t invited!! I feel very uncomfortable with leaving the children two hours away with a stranger overnight however if we take them with us we have no other alternative as everyone we know in the country will be attending the wedding. I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.

Please help me with what I should do!! I feel like I’m too angry to think straight.

OP posts:
GRex · 03/09/2024 11:28

What a very selfish couple. They've shown you their level of consideration, so you can return in kind.

I would have just the sibling (you?) go to the wedding, duck off around 9pm to get back to the city and enjoy your holiday as a family.

Foxlovesfruit · 03/09/2024 11:44

UnctuousUnicorns · 02/09/2024 16:43

Don't go to the wedding, just treat the time away as a holiday. That's what I'd be doing. 🤷‍♀️

Agree with this completely!!

ABirdsEyeView · 03/09/2024 11:47

@Jumpingthruhoops yes he is, but presumably the op would only go to the wedding if she was genuinely wanting to wish her brother well and to have a good time. Insisting on taking the children against his wishes, to make a point, will not result in either of those things, so why put herself through it. It won't make this situation any better.

In the future, if her brother has kids, he might come to see that what he's expecting is completely unreasonable and things can be patched up. That's less likely imo if OP takes a 'fuck you, I'll do what I want' approach,

Marylou62 · 03/09/2024 13:32

SerafinasGoose · 02/09/2024 22:09

No parent worthy of the name leaves their child in the care of complete strangers for an entire day. Of course, adopting a laissez faire attitude to the safety of someone else's children is easy when it's merely someone else's children.

Of course there will be protestations of 'their wedding, their choice'. But the bride and groom don't get to choose whether would-be guests do or don't accept the terms on which they issue their invitation.Guests can also exercise the choice of whether to prioritise their children's safety and wellbeing or superficial appearances at someone else's wedding.

I know what I would choose. Every time.

Said with great respect but this is simply not true.

I'm a fully qualified and very experienced nanny/childminder of nearly 40 years and I have looked after many children that I've only just met..many for all day, some over night too.

All ages from almost newborn to early teens.

Some have been emergencies but many have been booked because the parents wanted childcare for whatever reason...

You won't get nannies saying that parents are not worthy if they choose to do this.

It's a lot more common than you think.

CarmelaBrunella · 03/09/2024 16:49

Well, most people would not go to the other side of the world and leave their child with strangers.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/09/2024 16:53

DappledThings · 03/09/2024 06:20

No, it's not new information. But it's quite clear. Whether or not the hotel is actually childfree and whether or not they have a babysitting service the couple (clearly the B&G are the "they" in that sentence) have said they don't want children anywhere near the wedding. So even if OP is happy to leave her children with a stranger and the hotel allow it it's still against the couple's wishes. So still makes the entire experience horrible for everyone.

Show quote history

Whilst the B&G can want, and prefer, whatever they like... if what they want or prefer is wildly unreasonable and not within their control... tough shit!

They could 'not want' it to rain, or for 10'000 doves to form the words I LOVE YOU in they sky, or for there to be no children in a 100 mile radius...

That doesn't mean thats reasonable or that they could make those things happen.

coolmum123 · 03/09/2024 17:45

babyproblems · 02/09/2024 17:15

I’d either cancel the whole trip, or I’d go and turn up with my kids and ‘forget’ you were told. Poor from them!!!

I was going to say this. I would "forget" that they weren't to come to the wedding venue and just take them there and your DP can look after them. Or I would go by myself and turn up for the wedding not bother to stay for the reception, head back and start your holiday earlier.

coolmum123 · 03/09/2024 17:49

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2024 17:23

We have booked flights and accommodation for the wedding and the two weeks either side to explore

Looking on the bright side, at least there's no question of the money being wasted if you always intended a longer holiday; it's really just a question now of whether you take the time out of it to attend the wedding

It does sound a bit as if you just assumed the DCs would be invited and that can be a risky thing to do with weddings, but here's hoping you have a brilliant time wherever-it-is whether you go to the actual wedding or not

To be honest if it was my sibling getting married I would expect that my kids would be invited. If it was a cousin or similar I would have asked if kids were invited before I booked. I would be livid if my sibling said my kids couldn't attend.

MustWeDoThis · 03/09/2024 17:50

Creamandjamorjamandcream · 02/09/2024 16:58

Thank you everyone. I think I needed to rant to get the upset out of my system.

I will take a few days to calm down and chat with him again. I agree that the best option is to have the children at the hotel the weddings at with my partner staying up in the room with them. If that’s not an option, I think we will probably have to decline the invite all together and get whatever money back we can.

This has been very cathartic. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

Take a holiday there and just don't turn up for the wedding. Don't let them ruin what might be a nice holiday for you all, especially if you cannot get all of your money back.

KittyBeebee · 03/09/2024 18:06

I'd be mad because he should have warned you that the children wouldn't be allowed. I'd still go, have the holiday, but go alone to the ceremony whilst DH looked after the children.

HelenaTranscart · 03/09/2024 18:14

Nope wouldn't go, and wouldn't be forced into leaving my kids with a stranger 2 hours away in a foreign country. It's unreasonable and you shouldn't feel pressured into attending. It's a pity you've been put in this position

Jack80 · 03/09/2024 18:23

Can you just go there for a holiday, one of you see them get married then carry on with your holiday and see them later after the wedding or the next day.

gardenflowergirl · 03/09/2024 18:23

I assume you're staying near the wedding venue and not in the city, so I'd keep your plans and take it in turns to be at the wedding celebrations, relieved each other every hour.

MairifaeInsch · 03/09/2024 18:28

You cannot leave your kids with someone you don’t know and have never met. Hope you can make a holiday out if it and pass on the wedding.

GRex · 03/09/2024 18:38

I’ve asked if they can be babysat in the hotel on the wedding site as a compromise but have been told no as ‘they don’t want any kids there at all’.
This one still has me floored. What's next, will they visit your home but you'll have to send the kids away for a few days to not intrude on them? It's your own bloody hotel room! Baffling.

OhcantthInkofaname · 03/09/2024 18:46

Okay they can't stop you from bringing your children to the hotel. You can have someone babysit them in the room. They have no control over that. That way they can have a child free wedding and you know your children will be safe. Hotels usually provide list of babysitters that have been approved.

BooBooDoodle · 03/09/2024 18:48

I would be raging. Go on holiday if you can’t get the money back and have a lovely time, don’t go to the wedding. Ridiculous ask of you.

InterIgnis · 03/09/2024 18:54

I wouldn’t crash the wedding, not unless you want to be escorted out - which can and does happen.

OneTC · 03/09/2024 18:59

I'd go there on holiday and then probably never speak to them again

Toptops · 03/09/2024 19:17

I don't get the outrage on here EXCEPT that brother should have told you earlier no kids.
So you could have made an informed choice about what to do with the kids and whether to attend at all. And, as others have said, it's up to you to decide if you will have your kids minded at the hotel, not your brother's.
I am probably older than many on mn but it didn't used to be a thing about not letting strangers sometimes look after your kids. You took recommendations from friends and if babysitters were strangers to start with, they wouldn't be for long.

Noononoo · 03/09/2024 19:20

You are so right to be so angry. What an idiot. Do they not understand what marriage means? What families mean? What the future generations mean? How he will lose the duty and respect of four nieces and nephews through a bizarre bridezillsh idea of a wedding? . I’d deprive him of your company until perhaps he sees sense and is not such a dupe to his fiancé who has definitely got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Such short term thinking. After you have so generously forked out so much to be there… unbelievable

RonniW · 03/09/2024 19:26

In 100% agreement with you!

TrueOlympian · 03/09/2024 19:27

I went to a Greek wedding last month and there were so many kids running around, playing with each other etc. It was great because the parents could have a drink in peace.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2024 19:28

@Toptops do you really not understand why many women would feel uncomfortable about strangers looking after two very young children? Especially if it is in a city two hours away from the venue?

InterIgnis · 03/09/2024 19:30

Noononoo · 03/09/2024 19:20

You are so right to be so angry. What an idiot. Do they not understand what marriage means? What families mean? What the future generations mean? How he will lose the duty and respect of four nieces and nephews through a bizarre bridezillsh idea of a wedding? . I’d deprive him of your company until perhaps he sees sense and is not such a dupe to his fiancé who has definitely got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Such short term thinking. After you have so generously forked out so much to be there… unbelievable

What marriage, family and future generations mean can vary wildly depending upon whom you ask. He may not be concerned about being particularly close to his nieces and nephews now and/or later. He already lives on the other side of the world, after all.

I’m not sure why you’re blaming her, as if he couldn’t possibly make this decision himself and she must be a bridezilla. For all we know he’s the driving force, or at least equally in agreement 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP - Lots of people utilize hotel babysitters, so he probably didn’t think getting one would be at all a big deal. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong by having a childfree wedding (and no, family children aren’t always, and don’t have to be, exceptions), but it was unwise not to tell you earlier.