To not like how my parents are being used?

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I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

@PrincessScarlett they're definitely at a hugely expensive nursery - it's something like £85 per day? They've thrown that in my parents' faces before

As a parent who has 2 adult sons at home (28 and 31), who are both saving hard, on average salaries, we don’t have a problem with them staying at home whilst they save. I also get it, regards getting illnesses from GC. My cousin is a child minder and virtually all winter she gets ill and her family suffer, her Mum caught Covid from her last Xmas and spent 2 months in hospital and she died last month. I have friends who categorically refuse to have set days with GC, but they told their children from the start. It’s very hard to stop having them, unless they ask for less days each week. Sorry you are getting a hard time, you sound a very caring daughter.

I will never, ever use my parents like this though so

Wow, surely you can see that caring for unruly children is a damn sight more challenging than living with young adults, PLUS the fact that the parents already housed the kids whose children they are minding, into their 30s.

And you are deriding the OP for judging? Irony much!

They chose to have kids, kids are expensive, kids need childcare.

Tough on them! They had the children!!! I am so angry on your parents' behalf.

How many children come over on these 2-3 days per week and how old are they?

This thread is wild, nothing wrong with older DC staying at home, training, paying rent, etc. Everything wrong with childcare expected when they don't want to do it. DC that expect childcare sounds spoilt and entitled, I presume this is how they have been raised? Parents feel they were doing their best by them but, in reality, created monsters.

At least 2 each time - 3 are all within 1-3, one is 7

Thank you, it was devastating losing both parents so close together.

I hope you can get through to your parents before they regret and resent the time they could have had to themselves. Unfortunately I do think they will look back and regret it if they carry on like this.
My parents were exhausted and really struggled to cope, they kept saying they had served their time.
I don’t think people realise how exhausting it is to look after young children as you get older, there is a reason fertility has a time limit!

It sounds like they are already in over their heads and struggling but it’s a difficult situation for them to extricate themselves from. Maybe you could suggest a time limit like a pp suggested? You could suggest that they continue till Christmas and then your siblings have to find alternative care? It’s worth a try.

If your parents say no and siblings don't bring the children round then that's not on your parents it's on your siblings for being shitty. Grandparents have done their child rearing days - you and your siblings, they shouldn't be expected to be there on tap for grandchildren. They are allowed their own life too

It wouldn't be £85 per day if they applied for and used their 15 funded hours per week. Yes, there would probably be some sort of extra charge but less than the normal day rate. There is also tax free childcare which saves £2000 per year per child each year and can be used alongside the funded hours.

As another poster said, why on earth did they have kids if they are not prepared to pay for them? 🙄

@PrincessScarlett I don’t know how it all works, it's one of the most expensive nurseries in our area though because it's "the best" (but doesn't teach them anything!)

Nasty and totally unhelpful. ’Babysitting’ is not quite what the gps are doing here according to the op, it’s full time childcare. For three children at one time. And if the gps are exhausted and finding it too much but have the temerity to say so, the older siblings threaten to deny them any access to their grandchildren. But the op, who stays at home with parental approval and looks out for her parents is a moocher and more abusive?

So both of your brothers in their 30s bring their kids over - or is it just one of them?

Are they both entitled and rude?

Both

These comments about you exploiting your parents by living at home are insane. Lots of parents don’t expect their role to end instantly at 18! I lived at home till I was 26 and I’m an accountant earning well - we all love each other and they wanted to help me save!!!! I think my parents would be happy with me moving home now 10 years later, and I always tell my kids that they can live at home as long as they like!

Your siblings, however, are absolutely taking the piss.

Sounds Iike you all "exploit" your parents. You should be able to move out in your 20s. Combine costs with your other sibling and boom, you can afford it.

Why are you so sick all the time? Maybe you need to look into a healthier diet or take supplements. Someone in their 20s shouldn't be getting so ill just from contact with toddlers.
Even your parents aren't that old, perhaps it's your household that is germy.

Your poor parents. I totally get your frustration but all you can do it give advice here. Your parents sound weak, I can understand getting sucked into childminding but you say 'My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents'. I'm sorry but I think this is bollocks, your parents are in charge and have made the decision to have bratty grandchildren in their home through their own failures. I know I sound harsh but it's true. Either they say no to minding or they start minding appropriately.

You're right, I should be able to.

Unfortunately generations before me voted for Brexit and the tories and our economy crashed, wages stagnated while rents and mortgages spiralled. Thankfully, my parents recognise that we're in a difficult economic time and are happy for me to stay at home until my earnings improve.

That's crap.

Well two men in their 30s carrying on like this is ridiculous.. OP, just tell them your parents have been ill, they are not getting any younger and this is NOT their job. Simple as that. Tell your DP that you are going to say this and l they need to back you up. Enough is enough.

Of course they'll still see the GC - not every week, but that's fine. That's actually normal.

So what if there's conflict for a while? What is the alternative here? That they get ill or worse?

Nothing will ever change unless you and your DP make it happen.

I've been to the doctor, I'm on a waiting list for a referral because I get recurrent sinus infections but every doctor I've seen has said it's the constant exposure to bugs from the kids - I'm on supplements and my diet is okay.

I have (at the very least) a cold/sniffles/cough pretty much constantly during that period. In fact I'm sitting here coughing as I write this. I don't have kids or caring duties and rarely use public transport. I also WFH. It may come as a shock but people are different!