To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Your parents are not elderly however they do not seem in the best of health. Unfortunately this is between them and your older brothers. They need to stand up to their sons and set some boundaries without fear of consequences, it is not your place to do that for them. If adults can't set healthy boundaries between themselves no wonder the children are badly behaved. Your parents need to step up and set the tone for mutual respect. Even if they cruelly decide to not let them see their grandchildren for a bit, it doesn't sound like they get quality time with them right now. There is no pain-free solution I'm afraid.

Oh stop it and grow up. Get a two bed flat and split the costs with your sibling.

All the excuses in the world won't help you. You're of the age where you should be planning your departure. Especially if your elderly parents are as frail as you make out.

If your parents are genuinely fine about having two adults kids at home, they're probably MORE fine with having their grand children.

If your DPs can't cope anymore could they put in place a timeline for when they'll stop doing any childcare- maybe once the DC are at school? I know that might be a while but at least it gives your Siblings some warning and gives your DPs a cutoff date. It also stops any requests for them to do all the school runs.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease
I would print off @ILuvfur5 post and give it to your parents to read and say that you are so worried about them. OR, I would ask @ILuvfur5 to send you a private message with some of the Mumsnet detail removed/ edited so that you can pass off to your parents her response as a friend's thoughts... (My parents would be horrified if they thought I posted about them on public site and yours are young enough to search and find easily!)
There is an Elderly Parent board on Mumsnet which might help you in a few years' time
@ILuvfur5 👑

What the fucking hell is wrong with people on here. Honestly, people are just being dicks for no reason.
There's been a few threads today where the thread has gone in a fucking stupid direction because posters get obsessed with completely irrelevant detail like how many flights someone has taken. It's pathetic.

The OP living at home is completely irrelevant to the issue and they are not exploiting their parents ffs. Lots of people live at home into their 20s and 30s and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that if they're respectful and the parents are happy to have them there.

The OP has explained they're training and on a low income whilst trying to save. Good on them.

The answer is there's very little the OP can do about the situation if their parents don't want them to but it's ok to have a moan about it.

It doesn't matter whether the OP lives with her parents or not, her siblings are massively taking the piss wanting grandparents to look after 4 children 4 days per week, to pay for everything and not ever take holidays.

@RunningThroughMyHead have you forgotten what Liz Truss did to mortgage rates just a year ago? If it's okay to say the COL affects those on higher salaries paying for childcare, can the same not be said for those of us who are on lower salaries?

You are being very unpleasant to anyone who dares question you.

What are you looking for from this post?

Your whole family sounds dysfunctional to me.

I think I'm just moaning because now it's winter it's going to be constant sickness, stress about my parents being unwell and just general unhappiness

@OrangeJeans I'm sick of people saying I'm exploiting my parents and basically saying im a bad person because I live at home still

Is there any need to be so rude??

Having 2 adult children at home is nothing compared to minding 4 young children. Personally I'm more than content to have mine at home. They are more than welcome, because I love them and I enjoy their company!

Have you read the thread at all?

There's some pretty damned unpleasant posts towards the OP!!

Nice drip feed @NeedSomeAnswersPlease 🤣🤣🤣

@harriethoyle not really, if you don't have anything helpful to add move along? Or are you here to have a go at me as multiple other people have

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I know it's hard when you're goaded but you'd be best to ignore those posts. It's always the same here, people just looking to pick holes.

There's nothing wrong with living at home at 25, and don't let anyone tell you that there is. I don't know any 25 year old that really wants to but it's the current reality for so many young people. I think some of the posters don't know anyone over the age of 12 or something!

Have you talked to your parents? What does your other sibling at home think?

The OP posted that ages ago. Try harder.

If one brother has a 2 & 7yo, the other 1 & 3yo, each getting 1.5 days per week... there isn't a lot to drop, the issue is that both have 2 kids. The 3yo and 7yo can go to school nursery 8.45-3.15, so they are just 3 hours in the afternoon and fairly easy to manage. 1yo and 2yo are trickier for the next 2 years, but sounds like they get a day individually each, so it is either no to childcare for them entirely or wait it out a couple of years until it gets easier. I can see why your DP are putting up with it for now as they will recognise whay a short period off time this tricky stage lasts, but all you can do is encourage them to speak up (e.g. please use holiday camps for the 3yo and 7yo so we only have an hour each day with >1 kid). As for correcting kids, parents do not need to shout nor use solitude to set up sensible boundaries, and the 1/2yo won't understand that anyway. Buy them "how to talk so kids will listen" and hope it helps.

No real answers for you but just wanted to express my support for the situation. And sorry that some posters found it a good time to kick you.

@Runnerinthenight thank you, it's hard when I'm being told I'm a lazy layabout who's good for nothing when I'm doing my best!

Can your sibling at home intervene?

Can your sibling at home intervene?

OP nothing in your parents' situation will change unless they assert some sort of boundary. It is probably best if they do this for themselves, rather than you speaking for them, especially if you might become angry.

They should ask their sons to come round (without the children) one day because they have something important to say to them.

They must say clearly and without apology that they feel unable to continue with childcare and therefore other arrangements must be made after XX date.

They must hold firm against protests and not give in to emotional blackmail

It's not your battle. You wouldn't care so much if you weren't living there

Maybe it is just that we have a terrible situation where 20 somethings can’t leave home because of the dire housing situation and parents have to pay an extortionate amount for childcare that exceeds many people’s earning capacity. People are so stressed they behave like dicks. The parents in this scenario should be grateful for the childcare and also arranging social events where the grandparents can actually enjoy seeing the grand children while they are not actually responsible for them. That is on them and perhaps a quiet word about that could open their eyes.

We all know young kids are germ factories and that is why the grandparents get ill. When mine were at pre- school I never knew so many illnesses existed but if you are in your 70’s it’s a bit different to being in your 20s/30s.

Exactly....

On the top of this, if your parents want to see their grankids, they will pick up some bugs. It will happen anyway. It sounds like the kids annoy you and you use your parents as an excuse.