To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Just because you haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't happen!

Well I get you OP. Slightly different situation in that my DNs are older and better behaved (though still full on active kids) - but this also means that my DPs have been providing regular childcare for 15 years (!) since the oldest was a baby (obviously he doesnt need it now but there are little ones too!). Youngest is now 4 and at school so it's finally going to be after school only but even that is a nightmare as will involve pick up (mum is a nervous driver and dad can no longer drive for health reasons). DNs are spaced out age wise, so there's never been a time in those 15 years they haven't had at least one child to care for.

I don't live at home so don't see the direct impact, but my parents are nearing 80, my mum looks so tired all the time and my dad has had very serious health issues multiple times in that period and is severely immuno compromised. I worry about them. A lot. The thing is, I know my mum loves having them, even if it does leave her exhausted, and would never refuse a request from my siblings.

My siblings are actually good people generally I don't think they're consciously taking the piss - I think in their heads they've maybe persuaded themselves that mum would be offended/upset if they used different childcare?! But I don't get how they couldn't see the risk, especially to dad and during COVID, of all those toddler/primary germs! In their place I would have cut it down to max one day a week (it's currently 3/4 days after school and often either a full day or overnight for one or all of the littlies so the parents can go out).

I wish I had a solution for you OP but unless your siblings see sense (seems unlikely) or your parents push back (similarly unlikely) there really isn't a great deal you can do...

Ps ignore the stuff about you 'exploiting' your parents too by living at home, so long as you're paying your way and contributing equally to chores etc and everyone's happy, why not?! I left home in my mid-teens but my parents have always made it very clear that I'll always have a home with them if I need it, even now I'm pushing 40!

God sorry for the essay!

I'm so sorry that's happening to you. It's just awful isn't it? It breaks my heart to know I'll come home tonight and my parents will be exhausted, tense with each other because they're tired and just in a bad mood because my siblings are treating them so badly

Sorry I've not RTFT but how often do they provide this child care?

@ILuvfur5 I’m really sorry for your loss.

My parents do 2 hours childcare a week, they collect my children from school and give them their tea. They refused help when they were babies and so they both went to nursery. I have accepted my parents boundaries and help facilitate their relationship with my kids - which is lovely. So I am not biased in my posts here.

2-3 days a week at the moment. There's an expectation that it'll rise to four days a week from next April

This here is the root of your problem.

Obviously you see your parents' point of view and want to help them but you can't change the behaviour of your older siblings and stop them using your parents. It seems like your parents have let them get the upper hand, although they do sound spectacularly selfish and cynical.

There is no lovely compromise here, your parents either stand up to them and risk less contact with the grandchildren, or they carry on as is. That is the only choice, they have to make it and they have to live with the consequences.

You cannot really help or intervene effectively, however much you might want to for your parents' sake, and you need to explain this.

I can’t say I blame the OP for having her defences up!!!

Two adult children living at home, paying rent and helping their parents is nowhere near the hard work of looking after toddlers and not being able to discipline them.

The OP was asking for advice about the ‘taken for granted’ childcare not why she is still living at home (she has explained why)! In this day and age I’d be happy for my children to stay at home as long as they need to to save for a deposit,

Anyway back to the subject of the ‘expectation’ of childcare…..

Thank you! If I'd said I was at home 24/7, unemployed and expecting them to finance my life then I'd understand the angry responses, but I'm working full time, training and studying

@Icecreamandcoffee I find that so bizarre, because I’d never have caused a ruckus if my parents had said that they needed to reduce childcare and I know that my teenagers wouldn’t to me either.

It sounds as if these adult children don’t respect their parents or understand that they have their own needs and lives.

They need to stand their ground "we are happy to offer x amount and no more"

Good god! Total elder abuse.

Do your siblings not get funded hours from the government for the 3 toddlers? If so they could put them into childcare with minimal cost and then it wouldn't matter when your parents take holiday as they would have childcare covered.

I was going to say you were being unreasonable, but that is a lot to be fair! I can see why you're concerned.

I don't fully understand how the childcare works but from my understanding it doesn't cover everything they need? So they still have to pay a lot and then if my parents cut childcare they'd be paying even more

Rubbish! Providing childcare to young, active children is not remotely comparable to independent young adults living at home!! Can I just point out too, the elder two were facilitated in living at home until they were in their 30s. Do you think the OP is ever going to have childcare provided for her? (not that I imagine she would expect it, having seen what this is doing to her parents' health!)

I can’t believe people are giving the 20 something OP so much grief about living at home. My son is off to Uni in a few weeks and I am very much looking forward to that! However I fully expect him back for a few years afterwards. The reality is it is very difficult for young adults to move out.

This is up to your parents to deal with. I understand your concern but you are infantilising them.

You've also, with respect, never actually lived as an independent adult. Maybe see how you feel in your own home, with kids (if you decide to have any). Probably best for you not to be judging your siblings too much.

It's like people don't actually realise how bad it is - they say the COL is hard for childcare but don't realise it's even worse when you're trying to move out, rents are spiralling out of control, mortgages are unaffordable unless you're buying as a couple or on a very very good wage, and in any event I'd struggle to find a guarantor as my parents are now retired and there's no way my siblings would do it! I'm trying my hardest

Wow, so you're judging your siblings for relying on your parents for childcare whilst you rely on them for a place to live? Imagine raising 4 children and not one of them standing on their own two feet as an adult.

They absolutely need to put their foot down on that, and at least reduce it considerably! Some of us didn't have - or expect - childcare, and had to pay for every bit of it. I think it's really selfish to have children and expect your parents to spend their elder years minding kids!

Depends what setting they use. Some nurseries charge extortionate top up fees but some don't. The same with childminders. If each toddler has 15 hours per week then you parents would only have to cover 1-2 days rather than 4 days per week.

I feel like you've missed a whole lot of context out of this post and just decided I'm the devil because I live at home, while pretty much everyone my age does

OP, your siblings sound like selfish fuckers. However, it is up to your parents to stand up for themselves. They should tell your siblings that they are no longer providing childcare as they are physically unable to. Then, when your siblings moan and withhold the grandchildren, your parents should tell them then in that case they are cut of of their wills. That'll bring the selfish nobheads back. I feel for you, it must be difficult to watch your parents being used like this.