To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Another potential solution is your parents set up dedicated grandchildren days. 2 or 3 a week. They tell the children with kids these are their designated days, they can use them or not it's ho to them but they won't be helping out with routine childcare outside of these days.

"In an ideal world they'd prefer not to"

That may be the case for you. It's not the case for my family.

@Runnerinthenight oh you're so right! It's an AIBU!

I think it's pretty obvious that my response, and that of many other posters, is yes, YABU. Didn't realise that had to be spelled out with the express acronym in order to be understood.

Honestly OP, someone needs to get angry about the situation and tell it to your siblings in no uncertain terms. “Mum nearly died in March, she’s not well enough to do regular childcare,” etc.

My DH had to say something when one of his sisters was letting his Dad (80’s) go up a ladder to clean out her gutters. He suffers from dizzy spells and it was v. dangerous! Sometimes you have to be blunt and say that it’s too risky and needs to stop.

Very much not in our circles. I'm quite content for mine to live at home while they save for a deposit. We won't be handing them over a deposit so this is by means of a contribution. My eldest has been living with us for just 2 years and will be in a position to buy soon.

I wouldn't have the energy to run around after small children even now, and anyway I still work FT.

The vast majority of people with adult children (mid 20s) that I know have them living at home, so in my case it's the majority.

I have no idea what you're on about.

I do get angry but they just don't care, see it as me being dramatic etc. I feel like they won't accept it till someone dies and that terrifies me

Mine too, unless they've moved away for uni and not come back. They all have cars too (many of them students) and the evidence is there as our street is bunged with cars!!

This.

Well your elder siblings are just plain old cunts aren't they!

Being pissed off and getting nasty about your parents booking holidays because it affects their free childcare is beyond atrocious.

At the end of the day though, the ball is in your parents court to call them out on it, and possibly not see the GC until they are older, or carrying on as they are.

You can't (and shouldn't) interfere.

Ignore the people saying you shouldn’t be still living at home OP, they are probably using their own parents for childcare and being defensive over it. There is a huge difference from adults paying their way whose parents are happy to let them remain at home to tyrant toddlers and kids running riot just because the parents are taking advantage.

I was in your situation and unfortunately I don’t think you’ll get far. I didn’t live at home but I didn’t see my parents alone without my niece and nephew until till died. Even when they were dying of cancer they provided childcare, I once went to see my dying mum who couldn’t get out of bed and my nephew was standing on a stool in the kitchen cooking burnt beans in a smoking frying pan. My mum was too weak to do anything and later my sister just said she would tell him just to have cereal.

My parents picked up the kids from school every day despite my brother in law finishing work early enough to go, he refused saying he wanted to unwind after work as he got up at 5am.
They had to have separate days off to provide childcare and the kids went on every holiday, my parents paid for it all. They also had the kids most weekends so my sister and BIL had “quality time” together.

If they refused they were told they wouldn’t see the grandchildren but I knew my sister would never stop them seeing the kids as they wanted shot of them at every opportunity. My sister had her kids young and clearly regretted it, she wanted to live her life like her friends in their twenties with no responsibilities and my parents practically raised the kids.

When my dad was dying he said one of his biggest regrets in life was not putting his foot down and saying no to constantly having the grandkids. He said he felt he’d wasted years of his life that he should have spent with my mum doing things for themselves after his adult children moved out. My mum said similar and her friends told me she felt trapped and every time she planned to do something with them my sister would turn up with her children.

Every time I visited she would drop the kids off - if they weren’t already there, on one occasion I just wanted my mum to myself so she asked the kids to go to bed early. My nephew screamed at me to go home and that I wasn’t allowed to be there, he then called my sister and said we were bullying him which caused a huge argument. My nephew smirked at me when I had enough and decided to leave, he might have been a child but I resented him for a long time for taking precious time away I wanted to spend with my dying mother.
I’m now NC with my sister and her family.

I had a period of living at home in my late twenties after my marriage broke down whilst saving for a deposit. I did the cleaning, cooking and paid towards the bills. That was a huge difference to my young niece and nephew running riot and needing constant attention, I struggled to cope for a few weeks so I don’t know how my parents managed it!

You probably won’t get anywhere talking to your parents, they obviously don’t want to rock the boat and believe they won’t see the kids without providing childcare. It sounds like your siblings will use this for as long as possible to get them to give in, I doubt they would cut them off forever though.
You can continue to voice concerns but it’s unlikely the situation will change, you have my sympathy though, I know how hard it is to watch your parents getting exploited. I know there is no point in talking to your siblings as they feel entitled to your parent’s time.

You could maybe speak to any of your parents friends or other family members to see if they can voice their concerns and give support, they might be worried they will be judged for not being supportive enough.
Try to practice ways of saying no with them as well and if they still insist on having the kids then maybe it’s time to start some rules and disciplining bad behaviour. You have nothing to lose if your siblings aren’t happy with their kids being told off when they are naughty, it might get them to reduce the amount of babysitting they expect!

@BMW6 Yes, that’s the thing. Her parents are enabling this situation so it’ll carry on until they stop it. If you allow ppl to treat you with disrespect, they’ll walk all over you.

Realise this is not an ideal situation for you, I’d hate it too. Also it is indeed something only your parents can address. I wouldn’t be too quick however to say your parents love having you and other adult sibling there. It sounds like they are not great at speaking out. I bet if your siblings were writing about the situation they’d say “my parents love having the DGC, they do it frequently even when they are sick and are so reliable, they love having them”. I’d get the hell out as soon and you are able, all sounds pretty unhealthy in respect of boundaries.

Parents are old and should not be looked as a resource being shared amongst 4 adult children.
Op and their sibling do not require supervision or childcare. They live peacefully in that house, providing companionship to older parents. Whereas these ones with kids are sending their badly behaved kids to be looked after by parents.

I help run a church playgroup that is heavily attended by grandparents and I have to say, your parents are not alone in this predicament OP.

Over half of the grandparents that attend our playgroup feel they are in over their heads childcare wise and could really do with caring for small DC for less hours/ days but cannot back out of it or have said something and felt a backlash. I know a big pinch point for many of the grandparents I speak to is the 18 months to 3 years age. It's the age when DC start dropping naps, start tantrumming, resisting pushchairs, get picky with food and become much faster on their feet. Some parents also start to want to restrict naps as it impacts bed time leaving aging parents in charge of grumpy overtired DC. It is hard, I know many grandparents who are doing 8am -6pm child care 3 or more days a week some feeding them all their meals.

I know more than one grandparent who has felt a sheer sense of relief when the 2 yr old "free" hours came in as they finally got a break.

I also see it from the parents side (I have a toddler DD myself). The childcare bill (for paid for childcare) is shocking, often taking up all of one parents income. The COL makes things tight financially. Everything is held in a fine balance and many times you can't see the wood for the trees. Work pressures, home pressure and the great juggling act means that any upset in child care arrangements becomes a huge stress. Some nurseries are very set on the DCs set days and have no last minute availability. Some workplaces get very annoyed with last minute changes to rotas due to childcare. Parents are expected to have iron clad child care that never fails.

But parental help with childcare isn't a given. They are incredibly lucky your parents have offered and do what they do. There does however need to be a conversation about childcare expectations. Perhaps they could propose cutting their hours from after Xmas - this gives the parents time to give nursery notice that they need another day space.

Well childcare is a way of supporting their other children so your post is contradictory to the sentiment of OP’s post.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that with your dad 😞 that's exactly my fear with my parents. They'll come to regret it

You do realise that most of us here are parents and have never experienced this September to April sickness. I’m sorry you’re not getting as much of your parents attention as you think you deserve, but stop exaggerating.

Oh and I’m a grandma who provides childcare, AND has a daughter in her 20s living (back) at home.

Some people on this thread are responding very oddly. Attacking a 25 year old for still staying at home is just nuts in this day and age and is completely irrelevant to the post. Surely none of those posters are exploiting their own parents as full-time unpaid childcare and threatening them with not seeing the grandchildren if they don't comply?

OP:
is this Your issue
or
your parents issue?

You should let your parents handle their own children and you stay out if it.

That's so sad. I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know how your sister can live with herself.

Good for you? We spend SO much time sick, because each child is bringing in different bugs, my parents vulnerable and it's just a perfect storm

A really sensible, insightful and well balanced post.

Lots of old people crave for adult company. Grandchildren are fighting, screaming and overall not well behaved plus require care which Op does not. So it is understandable they are overwhelmed with grandchildren.