To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Please tell me what I've said that suggests I make my parent's lives harder

Maybe they are happy in spending time with their grandchildren.

I think this thread is a classic example that a lot of people on here just want to rip into the OP.

The thread was almost instantly derailed by people laying into her for being an adult and still living with her parents. Such a living situation is very common for 20 somethings. It is also something her older siblings benefitted from. So it is clearly something her parents are happy to do for all their children.

It is absolutely no way on the same level as what her dick siblings are doing. They are emotionally blackmailing their grandparents into babysitting their kids. But people are too keen to rip into OP to give any meaningful advice on how to help her parents deal with the situation they have expressed unhappiness about.

@AD1509 I don't doubt they are happy to see them. But when it's so much free childcare every week, and I see the toll it takes on them, and the fact that when the care is no longer required we don't see the children, it does make you stop and think

Because you're living at home you're experiencing this as some kind of joint enterprise with your parents when in fact this is your parents issue to deal with your siblings. You might experience strong emotion about it, but they are yours and should influence how your parents handle this situation.

As for contracting bugs etc, as others have said, if you know this is the case then you can take definitive action and move out, if you parents intend to continue providing childcare (willingly or otherwise). Although you are on a low wage, you could house share as many do.

Other than that, this isn't your fight and barely your business.

Could you and your other sibling not rent together?

That's the feeling I'm getting and to be honest I'm probably going to ask MN to shut it down, I didn't think it would turn out like this, yes I want to move out but it's just financially impossible unless I get a second job and remove all my study time.

But they still let the other side see the children? Sounds to me as if they're just bullying your parents, threatening to withdraw contact even though one day a week they don't need to pay for childcare is still a huge help and they should be grateful for it. Other side seems to have set boundaries which have been respected.

Like I've said, if my parents were unhappy with it we would but we're happy.

I’m in my late sixties and find childcare exhausting. My stipulations are:
no more than once a week,
no more than five hours and
no more than two at a time.
This is after doing more in previous years and overnights. It’s taken a little adjusting but I enjoy the children more now and I have less resentment.

Explain to your parents that your brothers are not worrying about hurting your parents feelings so they can push back with impunity. They sound like they are incapable of thinking of their own needs at all, generational thing. When you talk to them ask them what would the ideal be? Hammer it out. Practice saying the new plan, then present it to your brothers. Keep repeating it and don’t back down.
Some people are so massively entitled it beggars belief. The one ray of sunshine in this misery is what an amazing, lovely daughter you are.

My daughter is 19 and she will have a room in my/our house for as long as she needs it. I'd never make her leave, ever.

How old is the youngest grandchild? They will need less childcare as the kids get older, and in my experience the constant illness stopped from year 1 but we had a rough couple of years before that also.

In the meantime I'd talk to your siblings about all this if you think they're being unkind to your parents. Not sure what else you can do.

I agree with this OP. If your parents are scared of disciplining the children because they think your siblings won't like it, then could you intervene, and tell the little darlings that 'you don't behave like that at Gran and Grandad's house, and if you do, the consequences will be .... ?' Would you feel able to argue your case with your siblings when little Johnie goes home and tells them that Aunty told him off, or punished him? Could you say to his parents, "well I'm not prepared to sit back and watch YOUR children, behave like wild animals, and Mum and Dad are scared to do anything, because they think you'll just punish them by keeping the kids away, so either YOU teach them how to behave in someone else's home, or I will!" Could YOU deal with the inevitable fall out of your doing something like this, or are you, like your parents afraid of your siblings, and the fact they are likely to use their children as weapons? Ultimately, if your parents have the kids as much as you say they do, then your siblings will be cutting off their noses, if they stop bringing them to visit, as they'll never be able to ask your parents for ANY help in the future. They really sound like very selfish people, and as if they actually need to be called out on their behaviour towards their parents, maybe they need it pointing out too, that your parents aren't as young as they used to be. I say this, as I'm 65, and it's only recently and with my pointing it out, that my children and grandkids have realised that I don't have the energy to do all the things that I used to do, and I certainly wouldn't be running around after unruly kids, with no gratitude for what I'm being asked to do.

But OP has said that the older siblings lived with parents to ages older than she is now. If they benefitted from their parents support in such a way, any frustration would be completely unjustified.

Lots of people have made similar comments to this. That gps should not be exploited for free childcare but OP is exploiting them too and have given OP advice on moving out, by very few people have offered any advice on how to support her parents in dealing with the the siblings.

I think the best thing you can do @NeedSomeAnswersPlease is have a proper heart to heart with your parents.

Get them to voice their concerns. Help them plan their exit strategy. Help them to realise they've provided all 4 of their children with wonderful opportunities. Remind them of the multiple properties the older 2 own and how they've got money they're choosing to not spend on their children's nursery fees. Help your parents see they are being CF with childcare being on them.

I agree with those who've suggested a transition period. After Christmas, move to 1 day a week. That's enough time for your siblings to sort themselves. And it'll give your parents time with their grandchildren. I don't think your siblings will say no to 1 day childcare, as it's free.

If the "we can't afford x activity" gets thrown back at them, suggest your parents are prepared and offer to pay for said activity for a few months after Christmas. And give it as a lump sum, as monthly payments will end up dragging on. I realise they shouldn't have to, but I have a feeling that taking a cash payment from a parent will feel less comfortable than taking their time. I may be wrong.

It's good your parents have you looking out for them. Some members of your parents generation find it hard to say no. Prepare and help your parents to do what it seems they want to do, but haven't yet found the strength to do.

Regardless of whether they are happy or not, you said you are not happy by being subjected to germs from the children.

so, like I said, you could move away from that situation by finding the right financial solution that you can afford, but you don't want to because you're comfortable where you are and it's ok to say that but not ok to then complain about being exposed to the children's bugs etc when you know how to avoid them.

It remains your parents issue to deal with and if you want to continue to be exposed to it by remaining in the home, its a case of handling it with graceful acceptance that your parents have autonomy to deal with it their way, come what may.

OP you sound lovely, and your love and concern for your parents is obvious from your posts, especially your post where you say you're lucky to get this time with them - it's very touching and I know what you mean as my own parents are older than yours. They are also lucky to have you looking out for them.
I know it's hard but please don't engage with nasty dimwit posters like @Grabyourpassportandmyhand, they have no real emotional insight and are not worth your energy. Unfortunately that's the problem with AIBU, it's full of bitter trolls just spoiling for a fight - it's pity you didn't post on the Relationships board, you get fewer of these types over there. When you read the thread back just screen these people out. Most of us understand you and can see the truth of the situation.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I have no idea why some posters are so hung up on you living with your parents in your twenties.

People be batshit. Best ignore them.

You need to take a big step back on this situation. Your parents are suffering and they are complaining, but they are refusing to take action. You cannot control their behaviour.

All you can do is to try to avoid the DC as much as possible and protect yourself.

Your parents need to decide what they want to do and either continue with the status quo or put some boundaries in place.

They need to make sure that the scales are always balanced with their adult children and it sounds really like they’re really one sided.

It is clear that what is currently happening isn’t working for them. They need to decide what would work for them and then tell the parents that starting from January, they will be able to offer the new regime. That should give enough time to sort nursery out and to readjust finances before they start booking more holidays for next year.

If your parents will not have the conversation with your siblings, then you need to step away from the situation and refuse to become embroiled in any more drama or stress - and absolutely no more helping with the childcare!

you are one heck of a family and two adult siblings sleep, eat and mill around your parents home, so the other siblings what? Cannot have nothing? Neither child care? Who is going to take over the house one day when they die. You and the other single sibling will refuse to move out. You all are just the same, don't you think

OP is 25. She explained that her siblings moved out age 30 with hefty House deposits from the parents, and now the free childcare. Where do you get "nothing" from?
Let me guess, you've not even arsed yourself to read all of the OPs posts.

Err this. You all sound entitled and annoying to me. But lm a bad person to ask as l moved out and stood on my own 2 feet quite quickly. I also pay for my child care so l call the shots. Rather than being beholden to other people

Their house and their rules. If you don’t like it then you can move out, no one is forcing you to live there. It is totally your choice.

My lovely dad always made a point of telling me that his home would always be mine too, if I ever needed it.
He and my eldest brother lived together unti his (too soon) death as they ran a business together in a remote region. They were both very happy with the arrangement.

Why are so many of you like this? Petty, nasty, spiteful people? What went wrong?

OP I have been in a similar situation (I don't live at home) my mum would often come to me upset as she was struggling with all the childcare/finances she was expected to help out with etc etc but everytime I said anything my mum would back track as she was frightened of my sister, ultimately I have just had to take a step back and not get involved unless your parents are prepared to deal with the situation

Utterly different scenario, not remotely comparable.

Well Brexshit sure didn't do any of us any favours!! No need to be so mean!

Not all parents are like that