To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

IMO it is relevant.

At your parent's age, perhaps they'd like their own space from you as well as grandchildren.

Four people living in a house is absolutely more wear and tear and takes more work to maintain than two people living in the house.

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand RTFT before you comment

@justasking111 he is logging with my dad tomorrow (don't ask, it's a dad thing I think), he does what he can but I think as the only girl it does mainly fall to me

It is based on your opinions. Presumably as you asked for other people's opinions, you are mature enough to cope with those of which you don't like reading.

The issue IMO with the OP living at home is they seem very quick to condemn absolutely everything their siblings are doing but absolutely refuse to accept the generosity and benefits of their parents bestow to them themselves.

My DH’s family are like this. Constantly telling everybody how “stressed” and “overwhelmed” their parents are, reminding everyone not to use them for childcare or come over and “put on them” whilst simultaneously doing exactly that themselves. I always say to my DH they’re doing exactly what they’re complaining about.

This scenario feels a bit like that. OP has made themselves a martyr and their siblings villains and like most stories I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Fully behind you OP and I can see how completely frustrating this is for you. Really hard and emotionally stressful.

What I don’t know is what you can do about it. It’s up to your parents to change things but you can’t actually make them do it. All you can do is encourage and support them to do so, and hope that they find the will.

You can’t change your siblings either - it’s not like they’re suddenly going to see the light and become different people.

So difficult.

Well our family must be odd too because it’s pretty much the same as you describe. But then its what my grandparents on both sides did and had I wished I knew I could always move back to my parents. My kids will always have a roof over their heads in our home if they need/ want it.

How many times can I say I raise how lucky I am, I'll never be able to repay them and I love them to death?

It's not like they're carting me around everywhere and looking after me

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand but that opinion is baseless, and assumes I do nothing around the house and my parents hate having me at home

The point is I imagine so do your siblings. You seem to think you are superior somehow to them.

@SunQueen24 yet they do this to them? Look I get it, you think I'm an awful child; but at the end of the day I'm just really concerned about my parents

Show them this thread

We loved having ours at home, the oldest lived abroad for six years came home, started his own business, fell in love, got engaged, they both lived here while doing up their first home.

Middle one was at home until 26.

Third one went to university, met a girl they got a flat, after 40 years all flown the nest. It's so quiet, husband misses them more than me I think.

@Meditationgame I'm going to use points from it to sit down and have a word with them this week

Do your siblings think similarly is the question though............

FWIW I don't think grandparents should ever be used as childcare by any of their offspring unless its an emergency.

I'm just playing devil's advocate as your siblings may be as frustrated by your living arrangements as you are by what they are doing.

I don’t think you’re awful but I don’t agree with you. That’s all. You saying “you think I’m awful” is just another example of you being a martyr. You sound really immature.

I read posts like this and could cry, I worry about what'll happen in the future when we leave. They're very much "keep quiet and carry on" when it comes to their health and I do worry they won't look after themselves

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand and if you read the thread, you'd see they were at home until their 30's so therefore don't really get a say

And they got money for deposits etc. Talk about entitlement 🙄

Why the entitlement? Your parents were younger and had younger kids living with them anyway. The dynamics are different.

Just like my parents provided more childcare, by far, to my nieces who are over 10 years older than my own DC. But they can’t manage it now and I get less childcare. Life is not always equal and fair.

Cross that bridge another time.

Statistics say having grandchildren keeps you going, physically and mentally.

@SunQueen24 so it's entitlement to not want to be homeless, but not tk stay at home until 30 and now use tens of thousands of pounds worth of free childcare a year? Okay

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand 🙄🙄🙄🙄 read the thread and stop spoiling for a fight

What are your siblings long term plans? Toddlers are the hardest phase and 3 of them is pretty intense. Will your parents be dropping some childcare when they start pre school and school? Would this make it anymore manageable? Or is the plan for them to have them full time in the holidays going forward?

I think your parents could reasonably ask to reduce what they do, giving notice and preparing siblings for the fact that they will not be looking after 4 children every summer for the next 11 years.

I know it's hard to see your parents struggle but ultimately it is their problem to sort out. If your siblings intend to hold their children ransome then I think it just has to be accepted. Because it sound like when they no longer need help they won't be stopping by anyway.