To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

To all the posters saying the OP isn't doing anything wrong.

Apparently the parents are knackered. They have two kids in their 20s still at home, and provide childcare for grandchildren three days a week.

OP can't change her siblings - but she can look at what she can do to make her parents' lives easier.

I bet if the parents had the two younger children moved out, and were just doing three days a week childcare, they wouldn't be knackered. They'd have four days a week to relax as a couple.

But even so, the parents have said they want to keep doing the childcare - so they clearly want to see their grandkids this much.

If you care this much OP, you should look at what you can do for your parents to lessen the burden on them. If you can't move out yet then I'd be doing cleaning/housework and their washing etc for them to help out.

@justasking111 I can't remember what happened to have him prescribed it but he basically told the GP he was wasting their time every month to call up for an appointment. He just has to do the online form or call them to let them know he's opened it up, and they prescribe another set

Talk to your parents, what do they want.

Then tell your siblings to fuck off.

Don't let them be used.

I do all of that and more but you just have to be judgemental don't you? Because you're probably doing the same thing to your parents.

I'm the first one up in the morning. Empty the dishwasher, clean round, stick the washing on if needed. Prep their tea and coffee (kettle full, mugs on the side with the coffee etc., in it), and then I'm off for work at 7:30.

I'm not home till 6:30 earliest. I'll cook dinner. Do the washing, clean up, tidy the bathrooms etc., off to the gym, get home and shower, study or relax - either in my room if I want, or I'll sit quietly in the corner of the living room reading or on my phone, I don't force them to talk to me.

At the weekends I do as much as possible while also studying and going to the gym etc. I'm not just sitting at home all day.

…. and also Brexit is to blame for your woes? adding to Tories, kids, germs, siblings all making you miserable ? Are you what those old Brexit people call a snowflake?

@Underdogfun if you can't see how Brexit and the tories affected the economy then 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not the point at all about OP living at home, no relevance. The thing that jumps out at me from the OP’s posts, is one of the brothers saying to the parents ‘you're disgusting, you're their grandparents, we've wasted money now!!!!’ when the GPs booked a holiday in advance but brother wanted childcare to go to an event, and was annoyed they’d put their enjoyment ahead of pandering to him. How could anyone talk to their mum and dad like this, particularly ones who do them lots favours and help them out. He sounds an entitled and manipulative prick, especially when says the kids will have to lose an activity if GPs try to decrease the days. Emotional blackmail. OP your mum and dad need to stand their ground and speak up. On current form, yes sounds like brother will throw toys out of the pram, but let him, he’ll get over it and come crawling back at some point. You and your other sibling at home need to have your parents backs.

It's very unlikely that OP's parents would stop being knackered if OP moved out and "all" her parents had to do was 3 days per week of childcare for small, unruly children. I think one has to be a bit deluded to think that having one's competent, rent-paying, adult child staying in the home, is, in any way, as much of a burden as chasing after small, unruly children for hours at a time.

This is slightly off the main topic as everyone seems to be stating OP should move out or is exploiting parents, what a load of nonsense. Parents should support their kids and when they're financially able to move put then so be it. Good for you OP stay as long as you want and are comfortable. I did the same for my son and he's able to move out to a mortgage free home and that's what parents do!

you are one heck of a family and two adult siblings sleep, eat and mill around your parents home, so the other siblings what? Cannot have nothing? Neither child care? Who is going to take over the house one day when they die. You and the other single sibling will refuse to move out. You all are just the same, don't you think

I'm completely with you OP. Your siblings sound awful. When I became a single parent my mum and dad offered to look after my daughter. I made sure that my days/hours at work were suitable for them. If they needed a break or made holiday plans I took time off. They were doing me a huge favour, plus I love them dearly and would have never ever put them in a position where they felt used and unappreciated. My daughter is now 19 and I'm still incredibly grateful for everything they've done for us. I have no advice for you going forward apart from sitting down with them again and explaining your worries in the hope that they'll put themselves first in the future.

I think you're just up for a fight and refuse to read the thread.

I suspect a lot of the posters having a go at you OP, are feeling defensive because they are also taking advantage of their parents for childcare. Your brothers sound disgusting. Your parents need to stand up to them. Drop to 1 day a week, for health reasons - say it's on medical advice if they have to. Ignore emotional blackmail and any other fallout. I suspect holidays etc will still be afforded, even with increased chilcare costs.

It’s irrelevant that you live at home , you are concerned that your parents are overwhelmed with the childcare duties . Maybe you could persuade them to do one day less a week and gradually reduce the times they care for the children , your sister is taking advantage but until your parents tell them no the situation is unlikely to change .

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I do t know why you’re getting a pasting for living at home. I did for two years in my 20s a long time ago as did many of my peers. Lots of my younger colleagues in the workplace have spent periods at home. It is very normal and I fully expect my own children to do the same thing one day.

Clearly your parents aren’t coping well with 2-3 days but you can’t fight the battle for them. They have to be prepared to stand up and put in place some boundaries. It is also very modi not normal for toddlers to be swearing/behaving so badly so something isn’t working with the set-up.

What's your sibling doing?

Bizarre that 3 of the 4 children are toddlers but coco is made it worse and they had a childcare bubble. Surely with just one child then? Couldn't have been that hard with one child and that many adults.
OP you can say no to childcare.
Your parents are adults and say no if they want to.
It's all sounding a bit OTT.

It was just the eldest during Covid. They were four years younger and able to cope a lot easier.

@justasking111 admittedly not as much but he works horrific night shift hours, he does all his won housework etc but the lucky bastard gets away with most of it as it's never needed to be done when he's awake!

Take no notice it’s a thing on here to tell people they shouldn’t be living with their parents. It’s fine !! a generation or two ago hardly anyone left home unless they got married, my own parents lived with family even after they married while they got a deposit together (and housing was a lot cheaper back then !!)

Genuinely baffled by all the posters saying the OP should move out.

I didn't leave home until late 20s, and my parents were actually very upset I moved out, as was my ex's parents who stayed until a similar age.
Ex's parents even offered to have us back when we were struggling financially.
My mum and dad would have me and my child back in a heartbeat if I asked.
That goes for all of my siblings too.

I don't understand the obsession in western culture with kicking your children out as soon as they become adults.
Not all adult children living at home are la burden to their mum and dad.
I worked full time, contributed towards rent and bills, did the food shop and at least half of the cooking and cleaning. We lived in harmony.

When they get older (currently 60s) I wouldn't even think twice about living together again (their house or mine) to help take care of them.
Maybe my situation is odd because as a family, we all like and respect each other.

You also seem to be quite snippy with people in this thread. You've been given lots of views from people who have kids/are older etc, which you don't seem to like. I'm not sure whether you're really here for advice or a debate.

My dad had a few too many at Christmas last year and got really emotional at the thought of us leaving, bless him! We all get on really well, admittedly we didn't when I was 16/17 but I went away to uni, matured and came back and we all get on so well. As much as I'm looking forward to living alone I do also dread it a little as I know I'm so lucky to get this time with them

Well the bugger can wash cars, mow lawns I'm sure. My son used to and chop wood for the log burner. He also cooked some meals for us.

I'm snippy with the people who are being downright nasty about the fact I still live at home, assuming I'm a layabout and my parents hate it