To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

@MsCactus I'm not living rent free, read the thread.

Honestly OP I don't understand the vitriol you are getting here, I HOPE my teens are still living with me into their 20's, and I'm sure with your parents being older that the benefits of it are running both ways too.
Unfortunately, this problem is entirely the making of your parents. Your older siblings sound like total dicks, but your parents need to be much firmer with them, they will not change their ways on their own.

I'm slowly starting to meal prep because they just won't. They run themselves down to look after the kids

I don’t know what’s wrong with some people on this thread with their nasty and judgmental comments.
So, the OP lives with her parents?! That is irrelevant to the point of the thread as she is clearly pulling her weight and is progressing in her life, with her parents’ support, as is her sibling.
What she is seeking help with is to reduce the physical toll the childcare, and the associated health issues is causing to her parents.
OPs parents are being emotionally blackmailed and OP is trying to support them with reducing their involvement while remaining in the lives of their GC.
I think OP sounds caring and very concerned at the effect of the appalling behaviour of her older siblings who are happily running their parents into the ground.
OP I hope you can continue to discuss the issue with your parents and explain that it may be that they don’t see the GC as often as now but at least when they do, they will feel fitter and stronger to do so.

I don't think it's even that, I think some people come on here spoiling for a fight with pretty much anyone about anything. I don't know, maybe they have frustrations in real life and no way to release them so they come on here to do it anonymously.

Ignore OP. You're doing nothing wrong. Unlike your brothers...

You're suggesting it's intentional. As in, your siblings are fully aware your parents can't eat because they are so exhausted. If this is the case, your siblings are being shitty. Are they aware that your parents have been in tears? Again, I think this is for your parents to deal with. Your parents are 65 and 70, I think you said? They are presumably capable of sitting with your brothers and outlining what needs to happen. Or not happen.

The ones still at home are also taking advantage.

Move out, parents do not want their children at home forever.

Perhaps the two that are living at home could move out together.

There's always a way.

If it's cheaper to live at home then they're also exploiting their parents.

🥱

Don’t have time for an essay. 100% behind you & your parents OP. Shocking responses from some of the posters. I think too many people just automatically disagree with the OP to stir up a bun fight.

Unfortunately, this problem is entirely the making of your parents. Your older siblings sound like total dicks, but your parents need to be much firmer with them, they will not change their ways on their own

Agree with this. Your parents are not particularly elderly and are presumably fairly capable given what they're doing every week.

They're making a bad call by not disciplining the kids and not putting any boundaries in place. They're fully fledged adults and have total power to change this. You can't protect them from themselves 🤷‍♀️

They need your parents more so they'll just have to suck it up

Your parents are just as much a problem here as your wanker brothers.

They are being ridiculous. “they just won’t”?
WTF? They need to grow up. Perhaps they like the complaining, and the martyrdom?

They won’t reduce the days - yeah, they’ll get a barrage for that, but their sons are arseholes to them regularly verbally abusing them anyway. So, same same 🤷🏻‍♀️ They won’t lose the grandchildren whilst they’re providing some free childcare.

They won’t set different behaviour expectations when the kids are there.

And now they won’t feed themselves properly.

They’re not coming out of this looking good.

OP, there’s a lot of weird folk on this thread fixating on the fact you live at home. It’s completely irrelevant to whether your siblings abuse your parents for childcare. You pay rent, are out of the house all day most days and pull your weight. It sounds like your parents are happy to have you there and it’s absolutely not uncommon for adult children to live at home these days due to high rents and house prices.

I think I’m a minority here but I actually think you should have it out with your siblings. Maybe not immediately but the next time your parents are ill, go to town on them, shame them. Get angry. If you are genuinely worried about how this could impact on the life expectancy and quality of life of your parents then you need to stand up to them. If it comes from you and not them they may not punish your parents by withdrawing contact.

For all those who think there is no way you can be ill all over winter. You totally can, I’m prone to coughs and colds and get one after the other, some really dreadful ones and I got a particularly stubborn chest infection type thing that lasted 6 months and 3 courses of anti biotics. Once your defences are low, you are susceptible to getting the next bug and the next and the next. My heart sinks when my kids start sniffing cos I know I’m next and it always affects me more.

They're not mooching!

They're working and paying rent and, you never know, might actually pull their weight at home.

Don't be so ridiculous

I agree with previous poster. You're parents seem very passive letting everyone walk all over them.

Feel sorry for them, poor sods.

Perhaps you could talk to the others but be prepared for a flaming yourself.

They should have their feet up enjoying their time together.

I think a previous poster's suggestion of getting an outside entity involved is a good idea. Perhaps Age Concern or aother charity , or maybe just someone outside of the family to give an objective opinion. It might help them understand that they are not obliged to provide childcare and that this level of pressure could be seen as this a form of abuse. An outside opinion might carry more weight with your parents as opposed to you sounding like a broken record about it (not saying that you are a broken record but I know with my own mum sometimes I can advise her about something and she'll ignore me but if so and so says the same thing it's like "she always knows how to handle a situation" 🙄 ). It might at least give them the confidence to do as a previous poster said and restrict each sibling to one day per week childcare, on a day of your parent's choosing, and absolutely not if a child is unwell, no ifs or buts. It's unlikely the siblings will throw their toys out the pram and cut off their nose by not accepting the one day on the basis that it's not 3 days (but you never know of course, and in which case this will also be a result, and at least your parents can say they were still willing to give some time).

Edit for PS
OP I suspect that those posters who are focusing on the fact you live at home and ignoring your entitled childcare scrounging siblings, are in fact themselves entitled childcare scroungers.

I think they just want a peaceful life, they've seen how things kick off over tiny little things so they don't want to do something massive

OP, I would just ignore any further comments about how you are "using" your parents. They are ridiculous and not worthy of response.

Hey op, id risk a massive falling out over this to protect your parents. If they feel overwhelmed and constantly ill then something has to change. Can they, in the first instance, cut down the childcare to once a week?

We're grandparents. Husband has a health condition a simple snotty cold causes him awful issues. GP sees him straight away but warns him if antibiotics don't start working go to the hospital.

Because of this our children are very understanding. I'm sorry your siblings aren't.

This is an ridiculous and unnecessary comment. There is nothing wrong for a young adult to remain at home while trying to save to buy a house in the future and you trying to act like it's the same thing as expecting your elderly parents to look after unruly children until they are sick is ridiculous.

If her parents are happy with the arrangement and she pays rent, helps out etc then NO she is not using her parents. Infact many parents will save the rent paid and give it back to the child when it's time to buy their place. I would agree if she was lazy bum creating a mess while expecting her elderly mother to clean up after her, treater her parents like shit in their house and being an inconvenience but you have no indication that this is the case at all

This is exactly what happens to my dad. He's so bad now that he has a rescue pack of antibiotics and steroids prescribed in September and then it's refreshed as and when he needs it

OP, so much advice here is rubbish - projecting their own beliefs on what they think your parents and siblings think, and assuming things about your behaviour.

But I agree that it is only your parents who can change this situation.

My only (possibly also rubbish) suggestions are:

• when your parents moan to you, sympathise and reiterate that they do not have to do childcare they are no longer physically strong enough to provide. Then leave it at that.
• suggest they talk to their friends who are in similar situations, if there are any. This might give them the power to say no occasionally.
• try to help them to stop worrying about being banned from seeing the children forever. The kid’s parents might (and it sounds like have) stop access for a while but they might not do it for long. Break the habit.
• show your parents how to snooze your sibling’s social posts for two weeks after they have refused. What you don’t read, won’t hurt you.
• same for you, or just stop letting it bother you. A ‘ohh how nice’ could help. Or even a ‘oh how nice that Nanny # gets to help once in a while’. Those children will know who their fave relatives are when they are older.
• bite the bullet and tell your siblings they are damaging your parents health. If they throw back that you are still living at home, remind them they left at 30+. Then leave it at that.
• if you are being made ill, keep the kids at a distance when they visit and spray Dettol on surfaces regularly, wash your hands, open windows. Just like covid times. You could wear a mask but that is uncomfortable and may be deemed aggressive :)

It can be lovely when grandparents offer to help with their grandchildren (both for them and the kids) but I wish more people would remember it is not a right. Grandparents have already done their time as parents, not all want / are physically and mentally able to do it all over again.

if you have children, you are responsible for their care. If you can’t / don’t want to do that, don’t have them.

But of course it is wonderful if grandparents do help out. It takes a village and all that.

Who hurt you?

I must organise this. Thanks 👍