To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

We've had the conversation many times before, usually after a period of particularly bad sickness. This year three of us were laid up in bed for a week with chest infections etc. the deal we came to was that the kids wouldn't come if they had temperatures.

That lasted for about a week until one of them woke up with a fever and they said it was teething. Cue us all getting poorly again.

OP please ignore all the idiots berating you for living at home - totally normal in this day and age and if you are working and studying and paying rent and doing your bit around the house, which it seems that you are, then most parents I know would love to have adult kids still at home.

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon to find people abusing elderly parents for childcare. Cautionary tale for your parents, as this happened to my mum's friend. As soon as they retired her daughters expected childcare, which she initially was happy to do, but as more GC arrived greater demands were made like driving to collect them in the morning, having them all day and dropping them home in the evening, it all became too much. She could never enjoy the freedoms that retirement brings, like going on holiday during term time, taking up several hobbies etc, because her life and schedule revolved around childcare. It snowballed into a huge time commitment as the years went on. She moaned a lot to my mum about it but didn't have the strength to say no for fear of alienating the daughters. She could see the contrast with my own parent's retirement life (none of us relied on my parents for childcare, but made sure they were involved with the kids nonetheless and for fun things like days out, trips to zoo, hols etc). Eventually, after years of this, she had a heart attack. She survived it thank goodness but it was a massive wakeup call. The childcare demands stopped, I guess the daughters must have realised they were taking the total piss and hopefully felt very guilty. It's easy for people to blame her for not putting her foot down, but there was definitely an undercurrent of emotional blackmail from the daughters that she just couldn't withstand. I don't know what the solution is in your situation, but maybe encourage your mum to reduce childcare days as a first step.

MN is the strangest place sometimes. I've read no end of threads where DPs have adult children living with them for far, far longer than the Op and no one turns a hair. When the DPs deciede it's time their 30 yo left home people fall over themselves to say they would never make their DC leave, and yet apparently the Op should have left ages go.

So many people being horrible on here! OP lives with her parents, she pays rent and helps out, she doesn't have tantrums and swear! Her siblings and their badly behaved kids are taking the piss and the parents are too kind to stop.

OP - nothing will change unless your parents man up and put a stop to it - they will have to accept your siblings will be unhappy and that is that.

I haven’t seen this many idiots on a thread in a long time, so many people completely missing the point and focussing on the fact the OP is living at home age 25…a very common situation thanks to the current economic climate.

OP do you think your parents could tell your siblings that they have decided to reduce their free childcare provision to one day per week?

There was a thread on here a couple of days ago berating a woman for not cooking her 24 year old step son a fresh dinner every night, but I'm abusing my parents by living with them?🥴

I agree with this too. If as you say OP the arrangement with you and your parents is a positive one then you also have the right to weigh in here. You will not have them damage your home, make excessive noise etc..someone needs to show these kids how to behave. Lay down the law even if your parents haven't the balls to do it.

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease ignore the ones having a go at you. You are getting some good advice here re your parents.

Why are two sibling being such selfish srshiles. Do they not care what it does to your parents? Why not? What happens when you spell it out to them?

Your siblings sound awful and entitled. How can they get mad when someone is doing them a favour?

They only see themselves.

When my mum was in hospital, half dead with pneumonia it was just "well I have to work from home now, and I can't get my billable hours in that time so I have to work late", while I was at the hospital holding her hand praying for her to pull through

It's very emotive language from you though, isn't it? It's not 'they are helping their dc with childcare and can't manage very well anymore' - no, they are being USED. Which suggests there is something intentional and malicious about it. I think this is why you are getting backlash from posters. Families do help each other, often... although on mumsnet a lot of people act as though people are incredibly lucky if the grandparents look after the dgc once a year.

This isn't your battle. If they feel they are being used, they need to say so. The fact you're getting pissed off at picking up the kids' germs... well it's unfortunate for you, but it's a side effect of still living at home.

I suspect it’s because you are younger, some people want to put you in your place for some reason..

I sympathise OP - I sometimes worry about how much my mother does. My siblings' children are delightful and well behaved. They are both very grateful to my mum for providing regular childcare and she says she mostly enjoys it, so it's not as bad as your situation. But I worry it's just a lot for her and that my siblings ignore her struggles because it would be so inconvenient if she couldn't help them any longer. At one point she was considering delaying some medical treatment because of how it would impact her childcare commitments!

But I've expressed it to both sides in a gentle way and nothing has changed. I've ultimately decided I have to butt out and that would be my advice to you. Your parents are adults and need to learn how to set their own boundaries.

I'm sorry the post has been so sidetracked by you living at home still.

Jeez!!!! Read the OP’s posts will you?!!! She’s training and working p/t so once she’s qualified she’ll earn more and be able to plan to move out!

Have you got children Runningthroughmyhead? God help them when they reach OP's age and need a bit of help 🤦‍♀️ or maybe your children have left home, do you realise just how much property/rental prices have gone up?? Also why should she waste money on a house share when that's exactly what she's doing now with the approval of her parents!!!

Having seen this update, I think the problems are a lot deeper than childcare issues. If they didn't even care to visit your mum who was very ill in hospital... I do hope your parents will be able to find their voices and draw some lines around this situation.

When I started reading this I thought you were gonna say the two adult children at home were exploiting the parents, not the tiny grandchildren!

@Sapphire387 because is it really just helping out when I get home from work to my parents in tears because they're so exhausted but are worried they can't say no?

Or when they can't cook themselves dinner so if I don't, they won't eat until tomorrow?

*This year three of us were laid up in bed for a week with chest infections etc. the deal we came to was that the kids wouldn't come if they had temperatures.

That lasted for about a week until one of them woke up with a fever and they said it was teething. Cue us all getting poorly again.*

I think you said one of you is immuno-compromised. But for the other 2, this seems really odd. Have you spoken to a GP about how susceptible to illness you all are? These kids are well enough to come to you* yet they’re knocking out 3 adults for a week with the same bug?

*I’m not saying they should come to you, but if they were affected at chest infection/ knocked out for a week level, you’d see it on the doorstep.

Honestly though - there is NOTHING you can do. Your parents are choosing this.

We've been through this, I'm an awful child, my parents hate me and I'm a failure for not having moved out 🙄

I'm on a waiting list for a referral about my frequency of sinus infections but the gp agrees it's just routine exposure to bugs - we never get the time to recover so they add up

Families do help each other, often...

Yeah it’s the each other thing then isn’t it..they won’t even go visit unless the grandparents are babysitting. Very one sided with the helping each other.

You're none of those things. But how can you complain about your siblings getting free childcare off your parents when you're living there rent free? They're very similar in terms of putting your parents out

Or when they can't cook themselves dinner so if I don't, they won't eat until tomorrow?

Why can’t they cook? They can’t - between them - be too tired to stick a soup pot in the microwave. They need to be more mindful of their own health - eating, and less childcare - you can’t do it for them.

My question is has anyone actually spelled it out to them? Unfortunately the parents are being wet lettuces about it and as far as I can tell all that's been said is something along the lines of "please don't bring them if they're ill."

Literally the only way any of this will improve is if the parents stop this wishy washy nonsense and draw a line under it. They should be saying "right, we will provide one day a week to each of you, but not together. Child A you can have Monday or Tuesday, Child B you can have Wednesday or Thursday. Choose. We will not have them if they're sick and if you bring them you will be turned away at the door. If these terms are unreasonable to you then you would be better putting them in nursery full time. Good morrow."

But the problem with responding to this thread is that it's not the parents posting.

OP that's what they should do. But if you're asking what you should do... probably not a lot, since it's not your house or your decision and your protests will probably put your parents under even more stress. Is that fair? No. But I think that's why people are focusing on the fact that you still live at home - it's because unfortunately it means you don't really have the standing to dictate what happens there.

I do hope your parents see the light soon and tell the cheeky fuckers siblings to do one.