To not like how my parents are being used?

[NeedSomeAnswersPlease]

I'm going to try to keep this vague but on point.

I'm one of four children. Two of us don't have our own children, two do. My parents are retired and elderly.

The two of us without children live at home, we're "adult children" - both working but unable to afford rent or a mortgage.

My siblings will, very often, expect my parents to care for the children. There's one who's school age and three who are toddlers.

My parents frequently get overwhelmed. Every winter, we're sick from September to April because of the bugs that are brought into the house from nursery and school. My parents have spent a lot of time in hospital in the last three years because they've got sick. I miss at least a week of work each year because the bugs are just this awful.

The kids' behaviour is, to not put too fine a point on it, fucking horrendous. Tantrums, they hit each other, swearing, lots of tantrums from all of them. My parents feel they can't discipline them as their approaches as parents is very different to the children's parents.

They're expected to pay for all food and snacks and any activities they take the children to. They're comfortable but it still doesn't feel fair to me.

If my parents book a holiday, my siblings will be extremely angry because they're losing childcare. My parents are looked at as a crèche, not grandparents. We don't see my nieces and nephews unless it's to look after them. The only time I get to spend time with them is if I book a day off work to help out with childcare - but I don't have unlimited annual leave and it's often very short notice that they're expected to have more than one child at once.

It's getting to the point that my parents are totally overwhelmed, but if they try and step back they won't see their grandchildren. I hate seeing them like this because they're always just exhausted, but I have a full time job.

They get bossed around and if they try to say no, get told that my siblings have already spent money for nursery etc and so my parents need to suck it up. I'm totally fed up but have no idea what to do to help them, because if anything is said it'll cause a family fallout!

Oh I know!! I have a DD the same age as you and she would be upset if she got some of the replies you have. I hope you're ok. Just remember that the nastiness speaks more about them than it does you x

Christ there’s a lot of economically out of touch and also suspiciously defensive replies here - I’m sure none of them are utilising free GP childcare though 👀😂

OP this is a really difficult scenario as ultimately it does have to come from your parents. The fear of being denied access to their GC is so incredibly powerful, and honestly makes your siblings truly awful people. Your best bet is to continue supporting and attempting to empower your parents to draw some boundaries

It actually doesn't sound like that at all. You must be reading something different to me.

The OP isn't in the house surely while the kids are there, for the most part?

@AskingForAFriend12 I love the kids dearly but I also love my parents dearly and hate to see them like this

I would let my young adult child stay home to save money. Especially if they were on a low income and were training. Why wouldn’t I? We have mutual love and respect and they wouldn’t exploit us.

is scheduling a big family meeting possible? With all the siblings there when the kids are in some other Childcare? Sounds like you all need a calm talk if you can.

Ultimately, your parents are going to have to take the risk and stop the regular childcare. I am sure your siblings won’t stop contact forever. It may be a risk your parents have to take. I bet the siblings will be tempted back by ad hoc childcare…

It's fine that you are living at home as long as you are paying rent and groceries and so on. I don't see why people are so upset at that. It's good for your parents to have you accessible in case they have an emergency, and as you are a young person (and presumably healthy), you can help them with any heavy lifting (literal and metaphorical) that they might need.

I don't understand why your siblings criticize and punish your parents if your parents fail to do 3 days per week of childcare, but if the other grandparents do ANY childcare then they get congratulatory social media posts about the children's days with their perfect nanas. Why are your parents the dogsbodies here, rather than the load being shared between both sets of grandparents? (not that ANY grandparents should have to do all this babysitting, but in this case why is it uneven between them and the other grandparents?)

I think it's pretty unlikely that, if your parents stop jumping to your siblings' tunes, that the siblings will completely withhold the grandkids. It sounds as if your siblings are a bottomless pit of wanting free childcare. If your parents offered once every 2 weeks your siblings would complain but what are they gonna do? Say "no" to free childcare? Really?

I am not confident that the current arrangement is creating the grandparent-grandchild relationship that your parents are hoping for. The parents of these children are teaching them to think of their grandparents as their servants. I suspect as soon as these children are old enough to express their own opinions, they will follow the model being set by their parents and refuse to see your parents unless they are catered to, given gifts, served, and spoiled. I think they will continue to throw tantrums, destroy your parents' things, and generally treat them poorly, and that it will be heartbreaking for your parents to see how their grandchildren treat them after having given so much of their love to these children.

Unfortunately the basic fact here is that you are a bystander and there is not much you can do about this. Your parents have to make the decision to stop accepting this poor treatment from their adult children which it sounds like they won't do.

I do find the responses here astonishing. You pay rent and presumably pull your weight at home. So you get a say in how the house functions. But more to the point, you can see your parents being walked over and their health compromised, who on earth wouldn't be concerned?

To put it in context, my mum drives to my house for an hour one day each week to look after my toddler so I can work. She won't take any payment for petrol, I do offer. I am so phenomenally grateful for this and never, never take it for granted. But she's 72 and I wouldn't dream of asking her to do more than one day a week because it's freaking knackering! The idea of two pensioners looking after toddlers full time is pretty horrendous.

I would absolutely have a gentle conversation with the your siblings about how much it's impacting on your parents health and wellbeing.

Have you tried to speak to your siblings?

I imagine they also struggle with money?

@AskingForAFriend12 read the thread, they're all comfortable. They have rental properties etc., and go on multiple foreign holidays a year

My aunt is in the same position as your parents. She is expected to look after three of her grandchildren (including one with autism) six days a week. Her life isn’t her own but she’s afraid she won’t see them anymore if she stops looking after them.

I am nowhere near your parents age, but my own parents are and I have a daughter your age. You sound like a lovely daughter who want her parents best. Why would you even post on here otherwise. And you see the consequenses because they live there.

Some people on here are so nasty. And yes, my parents also get sick from children’s bugs, my mum gets pneumonia easily and it’s a real worry. I work with small children and pick it up too. Ask them to wash the children’s hands often.

I agree, @3teens2cats , it’s all about boundaries. Perhaps I’m a meanie, but I’ve always had boundaries and my parents did as well.

Hmmmm....I detect the same tone again.

I would absolutely have a gentle conversation with the your siblings about how much it's impacting on your parents health and wellbeing.

They will not care one bit. It’s the parents who need to say no.

@AskingForAFriend12 what tone is that?

I'm sorry but when my sister in law is openly bragging about spending £8k on a holiday to Mykonos I'm not going to sit here and entertain the idea that the COL crisis is why they use my parents so much

Is that necessary?!

Just stop ffs.

That’s a rather ignorant comment. People with kids have all the things you’ve mentioned to deal with AND the costs of childcare. It’s not a lesser burden, it’s an additional one.

It's not a competition.

@SunQueen24 I'm sorry but when a thread full of people have the balls to have a go at me like this 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why not start putting a bit of discipline in place for the children? Tell them off if they're rude, don't indulge every whim, put some rules in place about shouting / TV / jumping on the sofa / whatever the key problems are. It sounds like you'd be doing the children a favour, and it would create a nicer environment for your parents.

How is it “using” when the siblings still living at home are paying their way and helping, and their parents are happy with that?
In this economy it’s common for adult children to stay with their parents and save. Would you rather have more “working homeless” people instead?

If parents offered one day per week to each sibling maybe starting after Christmas to get some time to organise alternatives, do they really think they will say no let's pay 5 days childcare week instead of 4? I think this idea that they will lose contact with GC is untrue, it sounds like a lot of martyrdom on OP parents part. If the siblings want cheap childcare they will take what they can get.

Re the illness issue, if your parents say they don't want to mind GC but want to see them regularly, they will still be exposed to germs in the same way. So that argument doesn't make much sense.

If ths issue is GP are minding sick children instead of their parents keeping them at home then the first step would be to refuse to take the children when they are ill. This should be a given from day 1 and I'm surprised if this is happening.

OP your thread seems to have hit a nerve with quite a few posters who I suspect abuse the shit out of their parents time and generosity.