Who are these mums???? (Jokes but slightly serious)

[sunshinewithrain]

To you, the mum I see on insta and fb.......
You have been having nights out from your baby being very young, you have lovely hair and make up, you go to work, you have holidays abroad, your kids have their hair done in plaits or other fancy up dos, u put pictures up expressing your love for your wonderful husband/partner....... u probably got pass tickets and could afford to......
Who the f*** are you?
I'm struggling to make ends meet, my partner is as much use as a chocolate fire guard, I only work 34 hrs a week yet can't keep up with house jobs, I've just tried baking for the first time with my 2 year old, I literally turned my head for one second and half the pack of sugar was added and there's flour everywhere 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I lady washed my hair 4 days ago ......
But I know she's 2 (nearly 3) and I'll never get this lovely time with her again ❤️
Oh and I don't grass tickets...... and tbh I can't justify the prices but I'm crying my heart out and looking back in anger all the same 😂

you do know that insta and all the social media rubbish is not real don't you! all these photos and posts of perfect lives, its all rubbish..

I got oasis tickets, great hair and nails, nights out and a well paid job that I love. My house is a shit tip, though. And I’m not happy ALL the time. Thats just life.

That might be true, but the way u said it wasn't very kind. Sometimes when u get married u don't think about stuff like 'how hands on they will be with kids'.

I’m not on social media so idk… I’m too busy to be on social media. Perhaps you would find more time for you if you weren’t ?

I have a friend who posts making memories and all the lovely things they do on social media. It looks lovely. But it’s not real life

She doesn’t post the crap of her husband overspending and getting them in debt, or her daughters mental health problems, the fact they are somewhat bankrolled by family, her perimenopause issues and so on….

Its a snap shot, those perfect mums will have short times too just not shared

I got married because I fell in love, not because I wanted someone to do half the chores.

My point is that I know women who would leave their husbands in a heartbeat but they’re trapped by the golden handcuffs of a good income and someone who does half the chores and half the childcare as well as all the ‘undesirable’ jobs around the house.

I wouldn’t want to be that dependent on a man.

What makes you think that someone who devotes themselves to being a good father and husband would do an about-face and run off with another woman?

😬

Money, social media and support I guess.

Fuck you social media for making me want a £300 odd wallpaper I saw on insta 😂

Are you suggesting that if your husband pulls his weight, you can't be in love? I'd suggest that if he doesn't pull his weight, the love is unrequited. Love is action, not words.

In real life, you don't just meet someone and fall in love at first sight. You embark on a relationship and fall in love over time. If you start a relationship, realise early on that your partner is not doing his fair share and will not be a good father or husband and choose to continue that relationship despite the red flags, then, sorry to say, but you don't deserve any sympathy, and that's the point that's been made on this thread.

Having someone who does half the chores and half the childcare is not "golden handcuffs", what a bizarre thing to say. Why have anything nice or helpful? It might end. Everyone knows that single parents, as a general rule, have less disposable income and less spare time because they are having to do everything by themselves because there is no-one else. The vast majority of people would rather not be a single parent because it's not really sustainable or enjoyable to carry the entire mental, physical and financial load of raising children alone.

If you have a husband but are still doing everything by yourself then you're a mug and he doesn't love you.

In my opinion it has to be more than one. So family support and lots of money or family support and decent oh etc many i imagine have all three or so much money they outsource everything.

I have a decent partner but no family support either side or money so I'm still just trying to survive everyday it all feels very impossible. I don't have that kind of social media as that wouldn't help me at all. Having a decent partner does make a world of difference though. If they aren't making life easier it's easier without them.

Ok. So we'll do all the housework, all the child rearing. Husbands can just do nothing so we aren't depending on them.

Best not let grandparents help out either, right? Because one day they may go on holiday, or get too frail or die and then how would we cope?

While we're at it, let's make sure we don't make any useful arrangements with mum friends to do some pick ups each while we work. Might get too dependent.

Your way sounds exhausting. I think I'll continue to expect my DH to pull his weight. If he has to go away for a week I'll manage. Same as he would.

I visited the home of someone I only knew via social media .
She isn’t at work ( fair enough she has 2 kids , large property and large garden ) but I then found out kids are away at school all week plus she has a gardener , housekeeper , window cleaner , handyman ….

Why? Why don’t you think of how chores, parenting tasks are allocated before getting married This stuff is important dynamics in a relationship and being a family

we had the big talk to make sure we were on same page

Both work FT✅
Baby/kids in nursery FT✅
career important to both, I wasn’t stepping down or giving up work or going PT ✅
No shared monies other than bills,utilities,nursery✅
No default position of I do childcare responsibilities when we had children✅

This so called stuff really matters of how hands on is he, really matters

Well in my case we were both older and never planned on having kids. He was 48 and I was 43. No great desire for kids etc.
Then DSD couldn't cope with one of her kids and we have pretty much adopted him from aged one.

So yeah...hope that answers ur question😜

You’ve gone off at a tangent and given an unrelated answer
However, now the wee one is here do you discuss stuff like chores and who does what?

This is me too! So similar. I work 30 hours a week though. And I did get Oasis tickets which cost me £700 and I'm dying about that part

Yeah we work it out, of course we do. We adore our grandson and he's such a blessing to us.

Ur saying I went off on a tangent with an unrelated answer. Well ur comment took for granted that one would discuss children and division of duties before marriage. My point was that life isn't always straightforward...my point was we have ended up with a child even though it was not foreseen. So why would we have discussed it before marriage? It wasn't relevant to us at that time. Lots of peoples lives are not straightforward and to speak down on people is narrow minded/ cold/ unhelpful.

Just because you were "sensible enough to have that conversation" makes you sound very proud of yourself. Others for many other valid reasons may not have had that conversation.

My point is be respectful to other people.

Presumably, though, you talked about things that were important to you before you got married? You assessed whether it was the right life decision for you to legally bind yourself to this man?

And if you didn't think it through further than "but I love him", why not?

Haha yes I was pretty cautious 😉 talking and more importantly observing is essential before marriage. Definitely agree!

Social media is very fake, that’s your answer.

That's basically the same as what the PP said then. Except about marriages where the intention is to have children.

Why wouldn't you do your very best to ensure you were on the same page about them, and for everything else? Why wouldn't you observe whether the person you were tying yourself to is going to be right for you and the life you want?

I know a lot of people who just jumped into marriage, mortgage, kids with the first man they found who are utterly miserable now. But the signs were all there before they did that. They just chose to ignore them.

My best friend for example. Moved in with her boyfriend, who binned half her decor and told her he wasn't having it in his home. She chose to ignore that, married him, had two kids and now is desperately unhappy, he won't come home from work half the time, says he's happier there, they fight when he is home but she can't leave him because "I love him", or "I can't afford the kids and a home on my own" or "it's just his depression". Talk about MN Bingo!

I mean obviously the answers to what would help are- a supportive husband, local family support (very important even if you have the supportive husband) and more money.

But I’m not liking the posters being smug about the fact they got a “good husband”. You weren’t so very clever and picked well - you can’t possibly know what they’ll be like as a father until they are one. There are clues but nowhere near certainty. You got lucky - own it.

My ex husband was a fantastic uncle before we married, and showed all the signs of domestic involvement - did at least his share around the house pre kids and talked the talk really well. He was a terrible husband once we had children, and is not a great father even now.

On paper anyone would think I was making a sensible choice but you don’t know til it’s too late.

At least you were looking at the signs though. They point towards him being good.

Like I say, I know many women who saw the signs they were gonna be a shite husband, told us about them, then married them anyway. That's what I'm talking about (can't speak for the others).