Who are these mums???? (Jokes but slightly serious)

[sunshinewithrain]

To you, the mum I see on insta and fb.......
You have been having nights out from your baby being very young, you have lovely hair and make up, you go to work, you have holidays abroad, your kids have their hair done in plaits or other fancy up dos, u put pictures up expressing your love for your wonderful husband/partner....... u probably got pass tickets and could afford to......
Who the f*** are you?
I'm struggling to make ends meet, my partner is as much use as a chocolate fire guard, I only work 34 hrs a week yet can't keep up with house jobs, I've just tried baking for the first time with my 2 year old, I literally turned my head for one second and half the pack of sugar was added and there's flour everywhere 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I lady washed my hair 4 days ago ......
But I know she's 2 (nearly 3) and I'll never get this lovely time with her again ❤️
Oh and I don't grass tickets...... and tbh I can't justify the prices but I'm crying my heart out and looking back in anger all the same 😂

I'm one of the mums you speak of

In a nutshell, I have a supportive, hands on husband who does 50% of the childcare, leaving me time to do my hair, put make up on, exercise, go on nights out etc.

Yes, me too. This isnt me being "smug" or in any way thinking I am better than anyone else btw, it's just the truth. My DH is a great dad and does easily 50% or more of the household stuff and childcare. I was very, very careful about not getting pregnant to any of the idiots I dated prior to him because I had a gut feeling it wouldnt turn out well long term. It was the right decision.

my kids are now teens, but when they were little I was able to shower and do my hair (don't wear make-up) and did lots of cooking and craft activities with my kids. Didn't do nights out, did do family holidays abroad.
But I have a very supportive partner and was a SAHM, and had free use of a holiday house.

You simply can't have everything. Anyone who looks as if they do is not being 100% honest. They have a cleaner, or they don't work or they have more money or something.

I vividly remember having coffee with a friend. She was an ex nanny and loved little kids, but was struggling hugely being at home with her 2 under aged 4 kids. She was lamenting all her friends posting lovely craft things with their kids and she wasn't managing to do anything, just surviving and getting them fed. She sat and cried on my shoulder about how hard being a mum was. 24 hours later she spent 20 minutes doing a nice craft with her kids and then put it on facebook. So then her FB feed looked exactly like the very parents she had been crying about 24 hours earlier, and she didn't see the connection.

SM isn't real life though.
The pictures I put on FB are of me having nights out. With my hair and make up done. I have nights out as I'm a single parent so kids go to their dads every other weekend. My hair and make up are shit on a day to day basis.
I have holidays abroad because I save up all year and take the kids away, and go on weekends away with my friends. I sacrifice things to do this.
I don't have an other half that I profess my undying love for.
But I do have Oasis tickets, because I got a pre sale code and paid £75 for my ticket. Up in the gods but I'm going.
Life is pretty good judging by my SM.
It's not all roses in reality though.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

You won't be the only one in your position, and don't forget that what you see online are snapshots of other people's lives - not the whole story. For instance, the 'lovely hair and make up' might get messed up two seconds after the picture is taken!

Ultimately some people have more money than others and can afford things like help in the house, Oasis tickets and so on - but for everyone better off than you, there will be someone else who is worse off.

The well-worn phrase 'comparison is the thief of joy' applies here.

And if your partner really is useless - do you want to stay with him? You have choices.

Fact is that people post very glamorous examples of family life on social media, not the nitty gritty that reflects alot of peoples lives. People never post the negatives. Brilliant for those who have massive support but most people I know haven't/didn't. Life for me when my child was little similar to yours OP .
BTW, I don't do social media, causes too many problems
Take care OP

The useless partner comes up again and again on here. It’s not acceptable - why stay with someone like this? Were there no red flags before you had children? Honestly if all women upped their expectations then men would just have to meet them or stay single forever.

I never put it on SM but I was the mum with the nights out, nice hair, clothes etc and my DC were perfectly turned out. I was on top of everything. The secret? My amazing mum, who helped me with everything. She was a second mum to my DC and enhanced our lives in every possible way. I lost her in my 30s, but she gave me a lifetime of support until then. My DCs dad was a bit rubbish though.

😄☝️

People who document their 'perfect lives' on Instagram are hardly every okay. They're doing it to convince themselves as much as anyone else

Fucking hell a bit harsh 😂

Expect more from your partner

Oh gosh, I wasn't pointing and laughing at you, 5128gap- I was quoting the 'teats' poster then deleted the quote😬

Some of this was me.
Nights out- yes. As did dh. Just rarely together.
Makeup- yes. But quick.
Hair done at hairdresser- yes.
Exercise- once a week when they were little. Dh took over.
Useful dh- yes.
Outside help- no.
Wages- it was over 10 years ago and I have always been the higher earner (teacher). So family holiday every year.
I both hate routine and need routine, so although dc were ebf, I did build a routine around them so I was always able to shower/ feed myself.
No lovey dovey sm posts though.

🙄

I totally agree. I am FAR from an insta-perfect mum but I have a very supportive and actively involved DH so I have plenty of time to go on nights out, do my makeup, go to the gym etc. You get a lot of comments on here about partners being useless and I don't think it should be normalised. Leave your DC with him and go out with your friends!

This plus money

The problem is, most (not all) women want kids etc, so given the genuinely (not just words) 50% hands on men are in short supply some women are going to end up having children with men who turn out to be chocolate fireguards at best.

I have a cleaner, a very supportive husband, spare cash and I still look like something that climbed out of a bin. Tbf I’m pretty happy with my lot. People prioritise different things and some people have more resources than others (willing babysitters is a massive one, we don’t have any and we are knackered all the time).

I never post photos on SM, don’t really use it.

I'm maybe not 100% one of those mum's but I am a small bit.

I was able to go out (and actually go abroad for 4 nights with just husband) from babies being very young (4 months) because I have loads of family support and formula fed. Husband is helpful so I am able to put make up on, dress nice. But we are now struggling to make ends meet, we both work hard but cost of living + nursery fees - it's tough out there!

Also people don’t tend to post about that time they had a hangover and then their kid threw up in their hair while the other one smeared poop all over the bathroom and hubby decided to go for a bike ride anyway.

I don't have an Instagram so don't post my life but I have a full time professional job, holidays, my house isn't a tip, I don't have a cleaner, DS is well turned out and I don't look like I've been dragged through a hedge. We are out and about most weekends and have time for various activities during the week at home or otherwise.
There are two aspects, if you want that life you have to be very very organised and work hard at all aspects, you also need a partner who isn't a lazy reckless arsehole.

It’s a bit silly to assume everyone is faking it.

Yes, no one’s life is perfect 100% of the time, but some of us really do have wonderful family lives that we are grateful for every single day.

I chose my husband based on values and the kind of life I wanted in the future- SAHM, loyal, kind, hands on, financial secure, no divorce etc.

DH is a computer nerd which has led to us being very wealthy. We employ my MIL so have lots of help.

What you didn’t see was the 3 miscarriages before I had my children, which is why I’m so incredibly grateful for the life I now have.

Family support! They have a grandparent (possibly two grandparents) and maybe an aunty or two who give them regular nights off and even whole weekends sometimes. Or maybe they’re separated and have a new partner, so they get to hand their kids over for huge chunks of time and enjoy being with their new partner. Or there are a few people who get this level of support from having huge amounts of money to spend on nannies.

Childfree time makes a massive difference to your health and wellbeing, and to your ability to eat healthy and exercise, and to your relationship.

We’ve often joked that we should get divorced so we could take turns parenting and have a break to go out with our new partners. Because as long as we’re together we never have anyone to hand the kids off to, which means we never get any time together. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had even just an hour alone with my husband!

This was me with my first few children. People would ask how I did it. Truth? I hated my life, was suicidal, hated my husband (despite it seeming perfect on insta) it was soooo fake and sad.

I'm now a decade on. I look like a swamp witch now! But I'm happy and healthy and loved.

The more people try to convince you, the less likely it probably is.