Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

Just For context, I thought the date went okay that’s why I would have seen him again, but maybe I was just looking for my security rather than my actual happiness.

you gave him the benefit of the doubt

Oh OP, come on

what kind of benchmark do you have for giving this person the benefit of the doubt, i dread to think

i haven’t even read it all

i just see words like i cried and really upset etc

and just think

no.

He sounds insecure but trying to pin that on you.

I think you didn't get great vibes from him but you're now second guessing yourself and he's messing with your head.

Something deep inside you knew he was off and not for you. Well done on listening to that .

I remember your other thread. He was a bellend then, and also one now. Just let it go, why hurt
yourself dealing with this?

OP I think most posters on your other post said this guy was negging you and a twat. He clearly is, no idea why you’re so upset or bothered by him. I defo would not have made a comment about “no kiss then”. Chuck this one back in the sea.

clearly op ignored all the advice to bin him

You shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt at the start. He sounds like your bog standard make her feel like shit so she keeps trying to win my approval wanker. You're better off out of it

I think I try and see the best in others and offer everyone a chance and because my confidence is so low since my last relationship. I think “well I’m getting older and can’t be too fussy.” I’m 28. But then my parents say “the dating apps are for losers. You can do better. And don’t be upset over an irrelevent man”

My sad little insecurities:(

You shouldn't be dating as you're not ready. With dating you need a tough skin and firm boundaries.

I remember your thread and everyone told you not to go on the date. Look what happened. Not only did he do it again but you fawned over him to get him to like you, tried to phone him after he said he wasn't interested and then cried.

It was a hot mess OP and you come across as vulnerable because you're trying to get guys to like you as your self esteem is low.

Sad thing is my parents and friends say I can do better but allow idiots in instead of being patient.

Hi OP, this guy was rude and disrespectful and you should never have given him the benefit of the doubt.

I also really don’t recommend asking someone at the end of a date “how it went”, and/ or asking them for a goodbye kiss (twice!) it comes across as really needy and (at the risk of sounding harsh) desperate. Thats not going to be attractive. Just take things easy, see how it goes, it they like you they’ll let you know. Asking for reassurance/ feedback in the initial stages of dating is not conducive to getting to know someone authentically.

I would have binned him at 'that woman behind me is hot'. I think you need to raise your standards. He is so not worth it!

op do you have children?
a job? hobbies? social life?

I think it’s because I’m just that type of person and I’m used to having a kid on the first date. So him not doing it made me go “hmm maybe I’m not pretty”

I get what he's saying. You asked him for a kiss twice and he didn't want to so now he's looked back on that and thought to himself that if he didn't want to kiss you then there isn't a point to pursuing a romantic relationship with you.

Then you have harangued him about it by questioning his decision and also to explain in more detail why you said what you said in the first place.

It's all just too much. It's supposed to be a fun thing, dating.

He doesn't sound like the one for you anyway, telling you about 'hot' women is quite a strange thing to do.

My friends said the same to be fair. I figured “well I’ve committed to the date so I’ll see it through” now I’ve just ended up looking like a desperado.

also, I forgot to say. Mid conversation the one day he said “well I suppose I can just hop back on hinge. Imagine how many likes I’ve got waiting”

Op, I won’t lie, I’m not sure I beleive you’re 28, you come across as very young indeed. I think uou have some growing up to do

oh op you have a child 😞

come on now

do better for yourself and your child

Work on yourself before dating. It will save you a world of future trouble. And you’re not even remotely old.

also, I forgot to say. Mid conversation the one day he said “well I suppose I can just hop back on hinge. Imagine how many likes I’ve got waiting”

He sounds like a massive twat.

Your friends sound good though!

My issue was, me clarifying stuff shouldn’t have been an issue. I said “my backs awful I need a chiropractor” his response was “ermmmm which one” I previously dated one and he said “well just checking” he’d make comments like “well didn’t you date a complete flake of a chiropractor”

my mum texted me on the date and said “you ok” and went to text her and he went “chiropractor then yeah”

so maybe looking back. It was all just too much.

No??? I have no kids?

I’m 28. Just been cheated on a few years ago with a man I was supposed to marry the. Dated a series of idiots unfortunately:(