Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

This is how it starts with negging and ciercive control. He chips away at you with little innocent comments about other women, making you feel insecure. You then feel not good enough, and like you have to impress him to win him over. Then when you dare show a little bit of sass or sell confidence in playing him at his own game, and suddenly you've lost out and no more dates. So now it's making you want to try even harder. He's manipulating the situation to the point where he's on a pedestal and you're wanting to impress him.

Knobhead behaviour. Get shut.

Please block him then delete.

Sometimes it’s hard for folk to hear,what the don’t want to

I’m annoyed with myself for sending loads of messages when he said let’s leave it there.

OP if you behave like this in relationships, relentlessly tap tap tap away demanding a response and basically following around until you get one…. it is nothing short of abusive behaviour

After seeing your latest update, I think it might be helpful for you to research Attachment Disorders. Specifically Anxious/Insecure Attachment. "Attached" is a good book.

Always trust your gut feeling. Your initial instinct was to be put off when he made the comment about a 'hot' woman. I'd have been gone at that point. Had you cancelled the date when you first got the ick, you would have saved yourself a lot of stress and soul-searching. You were right and he's socially incompetent at least.

It's hard to comment but I would say first and foremost work on your own thoughts actions and behaviours. Those will dictate your boundaries. He sounds like a muppet.

Yeah. And worst of all, thought he was far better than he actually was.

OP, you slightly remind me of me at a younger age. I spent a long time trying to get people to like me, because I didn’t value myself; so external validation was so important for me. I would be really knocked by rejection or criticism. Because of this, I found myself in relationships in which I wasn’t even sure if I liked the other person.
I’m really pleased that you’re in therapy so you can unpack and understand what’s going on for you a lot more. Once you can recognise it, you are much more able to do things differently.
I liked the idea of writing down what you will not accept. I also wonder whether you could have a think about the sort of person you would like to connect with. What sort of qualities would they have? Or is a part of you looking for an asshole as you are repeating some pattern which you haven’t got to grips with as yet?
It’s hard work in therapy, but really worth it if you dive in. Good luck

You need to care more about what you think that what he thinks.

28 is not old!! Even at 48 or 88 you shouldn't ever think this is the best you can get! If someone upsets you this much on a first date they will only get much much worse op

OP — your first mistake was meeting him for the date after he made the comment on the phone. The second was sitting there and tolerating him checking out other women and making a point of it, the third was after a date with an objective loser hinting for a kiss. Your fourth is actually giving this any more headspace. He’s a negging loser and you need to stop thinking about this asap.

Op I say this with real seriousness. You need therapy. You are going to end up with a controlling abusive man if you continue this behaviour.

You are at risk from really vile men

Go on thr BAcp website and find a psychotherapist near you and get help now

I used to be insecure in my 20s I was drawn to horrible men because I had low self esteem and it confirmed my belief I was unlovable.

I had a yesr of weekly therapy and completely transformed my relationships..im now very happily married and was 31 when I met my husband.

In continuing to send begging messages you were actually looking for the nastiness to continue. This is a form of self harm.

The worst outcome here was thankfully avoided...but next time a real nasty guy might see what a vulnerable person you are and continue the relationship on his own horrible terms

Any guy who comments how hot another woman is when he's with you is a pig, let alone someone who does this on the first date. Wow OP, get some self esteem, you deserve better

I think you've had the message loud and clear that you must not be dating right now.

I'd also ask why you're used to kissing on first dates? Value yourself and maybe consider that kissing can be a real act of intimacy?

I wouldn't be kissing just anyone. It's interesting that you expected it as part of this date despite him being AWFUL.

Kissing does not mean you've 'achieved' at the date. Dating is not a test of how attractive you are.

sake OP. That was a shit show. He was awful beyond words. Your behaviour also awful. Why would you ask to be kissed? Repeatedly?
Then try and argue with him that it was a massively awful date and want a repeat? The OP who told you to stop dating had it right. Delete all dating apps and learn to be a whole and happy person who actually values themselves on your own for a few years before trying again.

I mean this kindly. Stop dating the dregs and work on yourself. Then you won't get upset over guys like this.

Practical question: given you know you need to stop dating, is there anything you can do to stop yourself physically accessing the dating apps when you have a low moment?

I think that the problem is that the apps themselves feel like a pick me up for your self esteem but it's very shallow because it's just likes. And then trying to turn that into relationships is a beating for your self esteem so you have to be feeling really secure to manage it.

So personally I'd probably do something like set up a parental/digital controls app on my phone and lock down/ban/switch off every dating app I could think of, even if that meant making a friend set the password up.

Because you have to set things up in the good times so you can't sabotage yourself when you're having a hard time.

Then as your self esteem etc improves you hopefully become less likely to sabotage yourself.

OP you really need to be strong and give yourself a shake over this one - not easy I know. He's an awful human being showing huge controlling tendencies and very immature.

You, on the other hand, sound kind and decent. Be grateful he acted like a dick straight away and you're rid of him.

Let him play his weird little insecure games. There's much nicer people in the world for you.

Absolutely this.

If you don't have self worth then my love you can build it up.

How you say?

By firstly building strong boundaries. Strong enough that no tosser like this will even get a whiff of you.

They say something dodgy? You're out of there straight away, not staying and giving them several outs. They treating you bad? Don't give them another chance to. Say goodbye.

You don't have to allow people to treat you like that.

When I too realised that we all have the power inside to do this, it's a wonderful thing to recognise.

You don't have to be grateful for this man's shite crumbs. You deserve the whole cake.

When I used to people please and let people walk all over me, I was acting out a narrative.

When we are young, we are often told who we are by the ones who surround us. We live, believe and act out this narrative even to our adulthood. But this is something we were told, not something we decided. Opinions aren't facts and what we believe about ourselves isn't true... we get to decide who we are.

Give yourself permission that you are no longer going to dance to the tune of I have no self worth. Whoever made you believe you don't, painted a false narrative for you to abide by. You're an adult now, you no longer have to hide under this cloak. Set yourself free.