Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

Please take some time off of the apps and do some work on yourself and your self esteem. You need to find a way to be happy in yourself because otherwise you are going to get yourself into trouble with the worse sort of guy who will destroy you.

You sound fragile, needy, desperate and willing to overlook all flaws in a guy to make yourself feel better. Unless you get lucky I don't see this ending well. I really hope you find worth in yourself and stop cutting men so much slack, there are a lot of shits out there and you don't want to end up with one because they will make your life a misery.

Wishing you the confidence to do what is best for yourself in the long term. x

He is awful.

He pulled that same shit twice. The woman behind him, the woman behind you, talking about how many like he will have.

He is actively trying to push and see how much he can get away with. And see how much he can damage your self esteem.

Why would you ring him? You said something he said it would stick in his head. It was done. You didn’t need to explain you didn’t mean it horribly. You called it as you saw it.

You need better boundaries. He said no to a kiss, it’s obvious you aren’t for him. Not because of something is wrong with you. Because he is a wanker. Don’t ask for a kiss on the cheek. Don’t fish for him to say something to refute you not being for him. He is a dick. Stop giving dickheads access to you.

I know what you mean, but saying things like that on a first date isn’t likely to come across as funny, it’s going to come across as awkward and desperate (especially if you were already getting the sense it wasn’t quite right!)

He’s an arse. HTH.

Your self worth is non existent and you need to figure out why that is and start changing it. Until you do that you should stay away from dating as you are the perfect person to end up in an abusive relationship.

Get therapy.
Try doing the Freedom Programme.
Avoid dating.

Oh I feel horrible for saying this but I was absolutely cringing reading that!id not have bothered with the pathetic negging twat after the comment on the phone call let alone hung around after he said the same thing again on your actual date and then, despite the festival of red flags waving, basically begged for a kiss at the end of the date 😳 raise the bar! This man was a waste of time and space right from the start.

I agree, I think you are just looking for security. He sounds awful and you know he is awful. Maybe try and ease of dating whilst you go through therapy to avoid ending up committed to a man who isn't good for you.

You need to learn that it is ok to say it’s not working for you politely and leave a situation. Invent a text from family ow whatever gets you out of the door. He was a sleaze and you then started to tease him for a kiss.Sounds very immature and a dangerous game to play with someone that has no morals such as him.

This in spades.

Yikes, hope that’s a typo.

You don't sound robust enough to be dating.

He is honestly an absolute joke with red flags all over him, you shouldn't be wanting to see someone like this again. I think probably keep away from dating while you're doing this work on yourself, when your bar is confidently raised you'll see how far below it he was.

the op won’t do a thing

so desperate is she for someone, anyone

it’s a tragedy and will lead to so much pain and drama throughout her and her child’s life

You’re so right. And to be brutally honest, my head switched off at that comment so why I even entertained the date, I don’t know. But in fairness. I did say “I think this is why you’re 34 and single” he also said “why didn’t you get me a drink” when I arrived on time to the date. And he said “don’t be late it’s off putting”

even typing this I’m like. What the hell was I thinking.

Kiss! I meant kiss

op you were in a re witb another man (also a twat) and had been for 6 months just a few weeks ago

you must bounce from one to another man with hours in between them

why did you even stay for the rest of the evening if he was openly eying up other women repeatedly?
Let alone worry about whether it's pursuing, or asking him twice to kiss you.

Your original post is all over the place. First off, you don't like him (and rightfully so) as he's being a total dick by commenting on other women. But then you're asking him for a kiss at the end of the night, before finishing off with a perhaps you aren't right for each other then. And then you rang him after he agreed with you the following morning!?
You both didn't come off well and the whole exchange sounds forced and awkward to me. Definitely not worth pursuing. I appreciate you're insecure, especially after being cheated on, but you really should work on this before the next date.

This Op makes for a depressing advance search of posting history 😞

He was negging you before you'd even met with the comments on 'hot' other women, and the date itself sounds awful -- yet you seem inexplicably upset that an idiot didn't want to see you again...?

I agree with this post, OP. But I would put more emphasis on the first part. The guy made sure you knew he was finding other women hot, at least twice, while his attention should have been focussed on you.

That was a massive red flag, but instead of binning him you proceeded with needy behaviour, giving away your power and giving him the upper hand. Why?

You are 28 yo, that’s nothing.

He sounds like a dick.

But I think the how do you think it went/can I have a kiss/then asking for a kiss on the cheek would be off putting for most people. It sounds pretty needy and desperate after he's already pretty much made it clear he didn't want to.

Then the trying to text and phone him when he said he wasn't feeling it was the nail in the coffin.

You really need to do some work on your self esteem and your own behaviours before trying to date again.

@ForOliveShaker

While marriage and long term relationships can sometimes be hard and go through rough patches that need work, dating should never in the early stages be hard, boring, miserable or make you want to cry.

Early stage dating shouldn’t really even be too intensely out of this world - because that’s often a sign of love bombing which leads to horrible times down the road (you only have to read the stories on MN to see that happens to many people)

Dating, especially early stage dating, especially the first date should be easy, pleasant, fun and leave you feeling warm and happy with a tingle of future promise for something lovely that might happen.

Stop thinking about whether this person is a long term prospect, stop worrying what your family would think of him, let go of expectations of what has to happen (kiss or no kiss etc) just be present in the moment and see if being with this person is fun and gives you an enjoyable moment with a warm feeling.

At the first sign of deliberate ‘negging’ - any criticism of you or your appearance, any attempt to make you jealous by talking about other hot women, any negative talk about your past relationships - that’s your sign to end the date early.

Don’t make a big drama about it - just finish your drink and say it’s time you went.

Start choosing happy experiences instead of ‘dating as a means to an end’ - even if the dates don’t turn into something long term you’ll have had some lovely times with nice people.

Making comments about the woman behind you or wherever being hot.

Just put this (far) behind you. He's no prize!

It's great that you're in therapy. Talk to your therapist about this, but consider NOT dating until you have built up some resilience and self-confidence. You DO have time. You CAN learn:

• that you're a person and your needs matter. No one else is going to understand and look out for your needs better than you can. Not your parents, not your friends, and not some guy you just met.
• to recognise that it's a red flag when someone is rude and disrespectful of you BEFORE or ON the first date. That's the time when each of you should be on your BEST behaviour. This guy is either completely socially awkward or a rude arsehole; both are red flags.
• not to let yourself be manipulated - e.g., going down to his level of rudeness by talking about what men you were scoping out when of course you weren't really because who does that on a first date?
• that it's OK to set boundaries and enforce them - e.g., you can change your mind, break a date - obviously politely and with notice. You can say no to a second date, throw back the weird misogynist fish, block who you feel you need to.
• that "dating" is a numbers game - if you went out with a different completely random man every day in September, it's still pretty unlikely that ANY of them are going to be a suitable long-term partner FOR YOU, and vice versa. It takes time, but eliminating the creeps up front will give you MORE time with the guys who might just work out.

Otherwise, you run a serious risk of ending up in an abusive relationship, and that will be miserable and can be dangerous and even fatal.

As for Mr. Hotgirl: perhaps he's stupid, perhaps he has no social skills whatsoever, perhaps he was messing with you for fun, perhaps he's insecure and wanted to reject you before you rejected him. It doesn't matter. He's one guy. It was one date. You didn't have a great time. And he was rude and weird and tried to manipulate you. Not only should you not see him again, you should stop thinking about him because there is no lesson here. You're not going to learn something life-changing by analysing the interactions over and over. You're absolutely right: the two of you weren't a match.

You shouldn't have gone on the date with him after his initial comment on the hot woman. And him then continuing being a twat should have been enough for you to cut short the date or at least just get rid of him once you were finished. With online dating where you meet someone face to face after some time you have to be ruthless in a way you pass men if they don't have those traits and qualities and character you look for. But to be able to do that you need to know yourself and what you are looking for. You without doubt come across these morons but you need to recognise they are not what you are looking for and walk away asap without caring what they think of you.
I honestly think you should forget dating for now and concentrate on your therapy.