Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

OP I really think you should step back from dating at the moment, and continue on with therapy. Your self-esteem seems far too low to be able to set appropriate boundaries in relationships, and no good can come from this. As someone much older than you I can tell you every bad decision I ever made in my life came from a lack of confidence, and although I am in a decent place now the repercussions still echo. Take some time and get yourself in a better headspace. It will be worth it in the long run.

OP, this isn’t about him, it’s about you not wanting rejection. You tried to put him off as a test of how much he actually liked you, then when he said wanted to leave it, you asked why? You know he’s a prick anyway. He’s trying to test your boundaries by purposely not giving you a goodbye kiss and talking about other women, all meant to diminish your self esteem at the same time.

Why are you begging him? You’re not ready to date. People like him prey on people with your mindset. When you meet someone, you should be more concerned about whether you like him, not whether he likes you.

Tbf I don’t know if that was the case, I looked good I won’t lie about it. He was punching with me. But I think the second I said “I’m not sure I’m right for you” he thought I was doing the reverse psychology thing and then overthought it.

But he showed me to be insecure. I dated a chiropractor before him. I said off hand after my back injury “think I’ll need a chiropractor” and his response was “erm who” so again he needed reassurance over nothing and I gave it to him. He also said on the date when I texted my mum “is that the chiropractor” sarcastically.

Dating should be fun, with no expectations that each one is 'the one' it sounds apparent, you aren't compatible. You say you acted in a certain way to hope he binned it off so you didn't have to...then practically begged for a kiss. Why?!

Understandable you would want to date someone who is openly ogling other women, equally he doesn't want to date someone who gives mixed signals. If one party declines a second date, just move on. No one has to give a reason, you're just not compatible.

I've had dates in the past that while pleasant, I felt there was no chemistry and said so honestly, and politely and had guys wanting me to explain why because they thought it went well...sorry but no, not necessary at the early stages, just move on.

You should of binned him the moment he was checking out other women on your date and told you

Thank you. I appreciate how you didn’t berate me and gently told me what I need to know.

You didn’t like him, he didn’t like you. What’s the dilemma? I don’t understand why you’d be crying because someone you didn’t like didn’t want a second date with you. You had already argued with each other before you even went on the date, ffs, so why would you have met up with him at all?

Seriously, you don’t sound like you’re in a safe place emotionally/mentally to be dating at all at the moment. Stop investing everything in whether some random bloke WHO YOU DON’T EVEN REALLY LIKE wants to go out with you again and invest a lot more in sorting your own issues.

Issue is he thought it was funny. In the end I had to just play it off and I said “ahhhh shall I wing girl you. Pick anyone here and I’ll get you right in there pal”

Your young at 28, losers prey on the weak, please try and gain confidence, and don’t settle you are worth more than that

youre right.

My therapist has told me to stop dating
We've told you to stop dating.

What will it take for you to stop dating? Be honest. Do you think so little of yourself that you deserve to be beaten (emotionally and/or physically)? Are you putting yourself into physical danger too OP? Or is dating an emotional stick you need, then you post here for another emotional beating?

Because if so I think you need a different kind of help to what your therapist is offering. Maybe one who is more aware of childhood abuse and how it affects us as adults rather than a general one.

but you have been “gently told”

dozens of times of all your other similar threads

goodness me lay off the OP

No man worth dating comments on another woman on a date. Red flag- it was done to trigger you.

You sensed it wouldn’t work early doors. Keep the man blocked and move on because he was never worth it.

because i have been on two other threads from the op about different men

and if there was a child in this situation, it would be seriously disturbing

See if that was me (and a lot of women). It would have went...

Him: The woman behind me is hot.

Me: The man in front of me is a waste of time.

Exit. End of story.

I just cannot fathom why on earth you'd give this man the time of day. Enough with the "I'm sad and pathetic and insecure" routine OP. What's it for? Where is it actually getting you?
You're damaging yourself right now. And if you carry on the way you are, you'll be a prime target for abusive men. Do you want kids? Do you want them to have a father who belittles and disrespects you? Abuses you?

Please STOP dating and don't date again until you sort your head and your self esteem out. Do you have a Woman's Mental Health charity or group near you? Many of them offer courses for building self esteem and overcoming negative thinking. Some Football Club Community Trusts offer them too. Or IAPT. Or workplace counselling referral. Seriously, you need to sort your mindset out and get your self worth and expectations out of the gutter, You deserve SO much more than this shite.

Literally no one would give this twat an ounce of brain space. I cannot understand why you'd want a kiss from him? I would have felt like vomiting in his mouth if he tried it - he's pathetic!

You really didn't have to 'just play it off'. You could have just said 'You're a right boring little perve, aren't you?' and gone home.

Ask yourself why you put so much mental energy into finding ways to style out someone being unpleasant to you?

There isn’t though…

Agreed. He’s blocked me too. But I really think now I take a step back. He just had too many insecurities. Hence why he was single at 34

indeed

and i expressed relief at that fact 🤷

I completely agree with this. I'm sorry for you as it does sound a bit much and I don't think your boundaries or self esteem can be very high.

being single at 34 isn’t evidence of anything

Honestly. I can sense the frustration in your post because you’re so right. I’m just stupid for entertaining it. I started being an asshole on the date anyway. But I reckon the rejection was a knock to my ego and I hated it.

With multiple dating stories of how things went wrong!

Agreed.

And for a woman, being single at 34 is often a sign that she knows her worth and wasn't desperate or insecure enough to settle for a waste of space just to say she had a partner.

Interesting that OP seems to see being single as some sort of a personal failure.