Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

just stop dating.
work on yourself...and your "little insecurities" its not "cheeky and sarcastic to ask for a kiss,twice.
that you pretty much didnt actually want -(hats off to him for no really)
thats throwing yourself s available when you dont even rate the guy.
you need to stop that
recognising your own worth and not acting out calling it insecurity /rejection is doing you damage.fix that first

Do you have problems with people in general? With colleagues and friends? You seem to struggle with socialising and the concept of boundaries both in setting and enforcing your own and respecting and walking away when others enforce theirs. Or is it just romantic relationships where you struggle? Perhaps working on friendships and social groups will organically lead to a romance.

She meant 'kiss'

So what if he thought it was funny? That was likely a ploy to make you feel like you had to play along. As you did.

An alternative would have been to drain your drink, stand up, smile broadly and say ‘Good luck with her then’ over your shoulder as you left.

The incident rightly struck you as enough of an insult that you’ve told us about it. But it sounds like in the moment he had you doubting your instincts. I am really sorry about that.

Have you never rejected anyone?!

I have. And I've been "rejected", if that's how we're putting it.

When I did the rejecting, it wasn't because I hated the person or thought they were hideous or were a worthless specimen of humanity or something.

It was because they were not a good fit for me and not what I was looking for in a long term partner and father of my children.

When I was rejected it was because I was not a good fit for them and not what they were looking for long term.

Rejection is part of life I'm afraid. It's really not all that big a deal. You learn from it, you grow, you move on, you realise if you'd ended up with the person that rejected you there were other people or amazing opportunities you would have missed out on. It's simply not the end of the world.

And I absolutely would have blocked a man who behaved as you did on that date. You shouldn't have pestered him for a kiss. I have blocked men who did that to me and showed me they had no respect for boundaries.

No its not that, his attitude combined with his telling me of why his previous dates failed lead me to the conclusion that that is why he was single at 34.

well op… let’s be honest here, you could write a novel on your history already at 28

He’s 34!!!!
Bloody hell I thought he was 14.
There again a lot of 14 year olds have better manners than this prick.
Start doing things you enjoy op. Go out with friends.Take up a hobby. Chill and relax.
Take a break from dating wankers.

It's OK to be single....

You sound like you’re making yourself extremely vulnerable to an abusive relationship.

It does sound like you’ve both behaved appalling on this date. I’d have thought I was watching a set-up for a tv show if I’d witnessed it.

A first date is not the time to be sharing your dating war stories, and he definitely shouldn’t know the occupation of your ex on a first date.

Do you have any male colleagues or friends?

Ones that you have normal relaxed relationships with?

Thank you🥰very immature for his age I must admit.

There was another thread? About this man? Good God what was the backstory about this date?

That was pretty confusing. None of it makes any sense. Your reaction to his behaviour and your questions etc. No humour or sarcasm came through.

If any man says they are looking at other women or comments on one looking gorgeous then that is not a good date.

Good luck with therapy.

I think she means having a kid around, a laugh..

She hasn't got a child. It was a mistype - should have been kiss on first date not kid!

Is this a wind up?

You let the date continue despite the other woman comment AND this?

I'm honestly gobsmacked.

I think stop dating and work on your self esteem. Maybe therapy.

If this is real then I really feel for you! Who did this to you to make you think this is all you are worth? You are only 28!!!

I don’t have any self worth. I just don’t.

I’m not sure this is about self worth. It reads to me like you’re desperate for a bloke , and any bloke will do. And that’s a huge huge problem.

So you weren't sure whether to go because ge was rude.
You went
He was rude again
You decided you weren't compatible
But you're upset because he didn't want to see you?

And asked him for a kiss, twice, then wanted to see him again.

im sorry op, its desperate for a bloke stuff and you need to work on that. Your focus in life cannot be on simply getting with any bloke you can.

There is no doubt that this guy is a dick so you can’t say that you gave him the ‘benefit of the doubt’. The reality is that you agreed to go out with him even though you knew he was awful. If someone behaves like a dick most people make up some excuse and avoid seeing them again but for some reason you didn’t. Then on top of that the whole date sounds a bit cringey to be honest. I would want to put it all behind me and move on.

How depressing to see that toxic male PUA tactics like negging actually work. Do yourself and all women a favour and raise your standards! Did you really even want to kiss him after such a crappy evening or did you just want him to want to kiss you?

Hes an insecure little prick who's messing with your head! Get rid of this one

Thank you. I’m annoyed with myself for sending loads of messages when he said let’s leave it there. Like I’ve had the day to think over it and I’m realising I made a fool of myself over a guy who’s not even worthy of me. It annoys me that I said stuff like “let’s call and have a chat about it.” And “I think you’re misunderstanding my point about it. I’d see you again but I think you’ve blown it out of proportion” then tried talking when quite clearly he was showing no interest

I then just hate myself more for being like that.

oh and I forgot to mention. Before the date he said “don’t be late it’s off putting” I said “don’t talk about other women. It’s off putting” to which he said “at this rate you may aswell get your gym gear on and I’ll take you to maccies.”