Saying this to a date

[ForOliveShaker]

So, I went on a date with this guy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after we were on the phone and he commented saying “damn the woman behind me is hot. I just looked back and saw her.” I gave him the benefit because I’m pathetic and insecure, I know. And he said sorry.

Well, the date was fine, but the comment he made just stuck with me through the date so I was a bit of an asshole living with the hope he’d dislike me and bin it off so I didn’t have to. While on the date I can’t remember how it came about but he said “I’m looking at the woman behind you” so I turned around and went “really,her? Okay” (again mean I’m aware but I feel like this man was actually pushing my confidence in the bin and I didn’t know how else to respond) I then found myself making comments about other men saying yeah I’m scanning the room for them. At this point I felt like we just weren’t compatible anyway.

By the end of the date he walked me to my car and said “well text me when you’re home anyway” I said “so how do you think it went” he said “yeah fine was good.” So I said “oh okay no after date kiss no” and he said “nah not really” so at that point I sort of assumed I wasn’t for him and said “ah okay maybe I’m just not for you then I suppose? Not even a kiss on the cheek to say bye no” (I’m quite cheeky and sarcastic and he was too so I thought he’d take it in good humour)

this morning he sent me a message saying “the comment about not being right for me really made me think it’s not worth trying. I’m stubborn and it’s stuck in my head now so not much I can do about it. Think it’s best we leave it” so obviously again because I’m insecure and hate rejection I asked why and tried to ring him to explain I didn’t mean it horribly. I just meant at that point he could have agreed or disagreed as there was no talk of a second date. He said “well I would’ve seen you before but now there’s no point.”

I then decided just to block him because I found it too stressful and cried. AIBU? Was I unfair? I think we just weren’t compatible. Please in the comments don’t berate me, I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

You need some time by yourself. This guy sounds bloody awful and you have 0 self-esteem, which is only going to attract awful types of men. Do some work on yourself, work on your insecurities and try to learn to be happy without a bloke to validate you.

You really really really should not be dating.
It’s going to make you worse, and actually ruin your chances further of being in a place where you can healthily date.

Get off Hinge etc and take it to therapy.

Expect better for yourself.

No man worth his salt would be on a date with 1 woman and eyeing up others!

Move on

I’m in therapy too so am getting support there.

I've just noticed this. If you've been with them for a long time then maybe it's time to change them. Your self worth/esteem is non existent, scarily so. If they are a recent therapist then you need to work out why you have no boundaries at all.

Please don't date again until you are in a stronger place. I mean that.

OP, you can't go on saying and doing these self destructive things and just adding 'because I'm insecure/have low self esteem' as though that means yours entirely powerless. You went on a date with a man who'd disrespected you before you even got there. Who continued to do so on the date, then gave you the brush off. You pushed at him for some ego balm and when he didn't give it pushed and pushed again to the point where the call crosses the boundaries into being a nuisance. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less whether he thought it was a nuisance. I'm concerned for you, because with every action you made this worse. For you. Please stop accepting this type of behavior from yourself as though you can't help it. You can you need to establish boundaries and protect them with dignity. If you really feel you can't do that, then work on your self esteem before you date again. Because every date that goes like that is going to add to your issues and make them harder to fix.

you are a parent op

FGS parent up and stop this nonsense

He's a negging bellend and you're well rid.

Save yourself OP, stay single, get a dog/cat/budgie/horse and live happily ever after.

She's not a parent 🤔

bloody hell it must be frustrating having the Op as a friend or family member in RL

OP doesn’t have a child, she clarified it was a typo.

I’m used to having a kid on the first date

i took that to mean she has a child 😕

ah missed that

Thank goodness!!!!!!

You're very very very insecure

Hugely

It pours out of your opening post

Please stop dating and sort your head out

Yeah see this is why I know I need to stop. Because with every date I question myself and my own attractiveness. I begin to think I’m not pretty or I’m a failure. And I’m now kicking myself after my afternoon run and chat with friends thinking. Why did I even beg him for an explanation when he said “let’s leave it here” why did I even try and say let’s talk about it. Or pick up the phone to call him. My own self destructive behaviours are so silly sometimes. I often think because I have adhd. The reaction happens before thinking time. So I’ll have a massive cry and get upset then later think. Why did I do that. I’m so embarrassed that I texted him trying to explain. Then put my own self esteem in the gutter after all that and said “I’d have seen you again but you’ve taken it to a point where it’s gone to another extreme”.

thos all makes me hate myself more. Then realise why I need to just stop

Thank you. I’m going to do so.

I'm long term single and for me it has to be
What does he bring to the table?
And is this better than being alone? (Not lonely, alone is great!)
If he doesn't bring anything to my life, improve it and it's better than being by myself then I'm not interested because why would I be?

you have said all this multiple times on past threads about awful men op

and here we are

My advice:
The second a date talks about other women in a lustful way you drop them. By not doing that you are giving the impression that they can do whatever they want and you will lay down and take it.
What you should have done us say’ I’m nobody’s sloppy seconds.’
You then let him do this AGAIN and yet you didn’t drink your drink stand up and leave.
Then you were begging him to kiss you.
Then trying to beg him to see you again.
Hell op, this is not a 25 year old Brad Pitt.
Keep him blocked.

yeah he wasn’t even attractive. The worst part about it was had he been a 10/10 model I may have felt worse. But my common sense flys out the window in every date. My therapist has told me to stop dating and I’ve got a weekly call scheduled so I’m hoping to just get a grip asap

you obviously don’t respect your therapist
which means the wrong therapist for you

If you’re this upset over one date date and a man you don’t know, it’s probably best to avoid dating for a while.

Full disclosure - I have never dated online. All your posts about communication with him sound grim.

But from what I understand from people I know IRL who date online, it looks like you’re battling a current trend for people to just be rude and off and sarcastic with each other? If so, then you are definitely definitely not the only person who has this problem!

I can only guess that you need to lay down ground rules from the beginning about communicating like a decent human being. It is fucking ridiculous, no one should have to do that, but it seems that’s where we are.

I have moaned on other threads about how this is affecting the whole of society. It’s just so tragic that people can’t just meet and have a normal conversation. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

I think the current “battling” type of communication is probably a really good way for complete arseholes to hide their personalities as well - which might be why it’s taken off.

I hope you feel like it’s out of your system asap. You deserve better.

Write yourself a short list of things you absolutely will not put up with from other people. Carry the list with you and refer to it often.

A date commenting on other women to you is an absolute NO.

This is a great idea

He turned up and realised he didn't fancy you so made sure the date was a failure from the get go. He made sure you felt that too to get a clean getaway.