Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

[Cookingwithflo]

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

I'd just block your mother and Mil for the moment. You've lost your child (I'm so sorry) you need to be able to grieve in peace 💐

Wait a minute, she knows you’ve lost your baby and is pressuring you to make a long journey to socialise with extended family, while also having just moved house?

Sweetheart I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your mother is being very short sighted and self centred. Message her to say you are unwell and turning off your phone to rest.

And do just that.

The first two posts have absolutely nailed it with their advice - spot on.

Sending you much love OP....take the time you need to rest and heal without interference from others x

Oh my word, you poor thing. You must be devastated at the loss of your baby. You are grieving and you are absolutely right not to attend this funeral. You have your own funeral happening in your heart right now.
If people can't support you in your hour of need then you need to shut them out until you have the strength and resilience to deal with them. Lean on others who can help you and just block/mute for the moment

I’m so sorry about your loss. I agree with the PPs. Turn off your phone and look after yourself.

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, that's devastating!

Don't even pay mind to your mum and the other family making you feel bad. Don't try and over explain yourself either, make your reasons short and clear and say you aren't looking to argue about it and you won't be made to feel guilty either. End of.

Then I suggest a bit of space away from those making you feel so bad. Negativity is not needed!

Who on earth has voted YABU?!

You're absolutely not. As others have suggested turn your phone off and be gentle to yourself. Take time to rest and grieve. Sending you love.

Save yourself a lifetime of this, go LC now. With both of them.

Shocking and heart breaking your mother is being so awful when you've lost a baby. Your body alone needs a couple of weeks to deal with it physically. Your emotions will need a lot longer to 💐

Say your private goodbyes to your GG, from afar. Hopefully she'd have been more compassionate.

Ignore the back story and “noise” from parents about moving / use of washing machine / moving / cats - all irrelevant. The key fact here is you and your DP have just lost your baby - a terrible loss of any parents / parents to be and takes time to process.

Some perspective : The funeral is for your great grandmother, and unless she brought you up single handed because of family issues - not the closest relative. She lived 4 hours away so I’m assuming you weren’t regular visitors. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all for not travelling - people don’t go to funerals for much less a reason. You can say your goodbye / remember her in a different way - light a candle at the same time as her funeral , place some flowers at a local beauty spot you like , make a donation in her name to a charity which meant something to her.

Don’t be pressured into making the journey if you don’t feel you can - take time for you and your DP - light that candle, remember her , but be kind to yourself, your mum will get over it.

The house move, the unpacking and laundry are all side issues You've lost a baby and it's totally unreasonable to expect you to attend a funeral.
Go broken record if necessary but hold firm.

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

There's a lot of detail but I think maybe a simpler message to both mums might help. You are not medically up to any of this, you are still unwell from the loss of your baby. Don't clutter up the message with piles of washing and settling cats. These just weaken it. I would argue that neither washing nor cats are good excuses to miss your great grandmother's funeral. But the loss of your baby and the medical effects of this (which you don't need to detail or explain) make it impossible for you to make a 4 hour journey full stop.

I would write a message to them both, stating that you won't be answering messages for a week/2 weeks/however long as you've just lost your child and need time to grieve, and then I would block or mute for that length of time.

You need to totally focus on yourself at this time and getting through the initial, all consuming, grief should be your main focus.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it, because anyone worth their salt wouldn't be doing anything but supporting and helping you at this moment in time.

So sorry op 💐

If she contacts you tell her you are disappointed she has such a lack of anything resembling compassion that she has added to your grief of having lost your child. And block her

I am so sorry OP for your loss its heartbreaking for you
It's time now for you to look after yourself and as PPs have suggested for you to switch off/ mute your phone so you can grieve in peace

Hope you start to feel well again soon so you can get your strength back up and realise that these demands from your mum are totally unreasonable
Sending a healing hug to you xx

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Take all the time you need and ignore your mother. Of course it is sad that you lost your great grandmother and she lost her grandmother but she should acknowledge your loss too. I didn't attend my grandmother's funeral as I was 9 month pg, a week before my due date and it was a 6 hour drive away. Everyone understood.

For most of your post I thought the reasons you were giving for not going to the funeral were unreasonable. Then I got to the miscarriage and realised you’re not.

Tell your mother you would have wanted to go but you’re not recovered from the miscarriage yet and are not well enough for such a long journey. Send a similar message to any other family members who might care, and say you’ll be thinking of them. Don't back down.

You’ve had a really traumatic experience, but your post does not make that the main focus. You talk about a broken washing machine, your brother’s football training, a nasty message from your MiL and one from your mum too,you talk about moving house but your miscarriage is mentioned almost as an aside.
Yet you must have been a good way into the pregnancy if you know the baby’s sex. This is not a “ by the way “ experience, it is a really major deal, both emotionally and physically.
I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, many years ago, and was shocked at how unwell I felt, and how long it took to recover. I was looking after 2 DC , and it was areal struggle. I was also shocked at how everyone else, (DH, my mum , GP)whilst being mildly supportive, expected that I would be ok after a few days. I really wasn’t, I reckon it was a few months before I was physically back to normal .
I m telling you this because I suspect you are understating what has happened to you. Have you actually told your mum and MiL about your loss, do they understand what you have been through?
You have suffered a huge loss, you are still feeling sick, and emotionally you must be shattered. You are entitled to look after yourself, and tbh honest, the other adults in your life should be looking after you. I’m not surprised you are not up to a 4 hour journey, and I suspect your inner resources are at rock bottom.
Whete is your partner in all this? Is he looking after you, has he responded to his Mother’s message? He should have your back, but it sounds as if he has been complaining to his mum that you haven’t done enough.
I think you should go to bed for the rest of today, then go back to the gp tomorrow and ask them to sign you off work for the week. Then go back to bed. You need to rest and recuperate. The house unpacking can wait, or your partner can do it.
Think about telling mum and mil about your loss if you haven’t already done so; imsybe they might step up. If they already know, then both of them are being unkind and you might be better off blocking them for a while , at least until you feel strong enough to have an open conversation with them.

Aww OP, so sorry to hear about your baby girl.

The person the funeral is for isn't there, I never understand the emphasis on you have to attend. I like to make sure I keep in regular contact with people when they are on the planet rather then turn up to a funeral and haven't seen them since 1993.

You obviously have alot on and family not being supportive with everything you are going through must be rough.

Of course you shouldn't go.
They are being so unreasonable and should be rallying around to care for you both after such a tragic loss. I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself and ignore their messages. Block them if you have to.

Tell your dm that you’re equally disappointed that she is so unfeeling about the recent loss of your baby.
Then turn your phone off.

People are vile sometimes. She's worried about people judging her for you not being there like it's a mark of her parenting. I have a mum who can be like this.

Ignore her for a few days.

Wow, fuck them both off and block them. They are not nice or supportive people.

Block them both. Vile people

I hope your partner treats you asyou deserve.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your priority now is to grieve your baby, not your great grandmother.

@DelphiniumBlue

I feel like my experience with the baby would sound to my mum like I'm trying to take away the attention from the funeral, the stress of everything has been ongoing since moving in. My partners mother just heavily dislikes me, she has been sending quite creepy messages and my partner stands up for me, he's just extremely busy with his job and isn't home as often as he wants to be.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage, I never really understood the pain that comes from them until it had happened to us. My partner has been the best supporting me throughout it all, he stayed up with me all night bringing me everything I needed and just making sure I was okay.

Sorry again about lengthy replies and posts. My mum has always belittled my feelings and experiences, and she wasn't even supportive when we moved into the new house. My partners mother is just helicopter, she's constantly messaging him and she's just very, I'm not sure how to word it but she likes to try and cut me out of everything even when in my own home. Sorry if the post sounded like my partner was saying negative things, I'm just struggling with figuring out my words at the moment but thank you for the supportive message