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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

149 replies

Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 11:54

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 01/09/2024 12:42

I'm.sorry for your loss. Just message to both mil and DM saying I'm too unwell due to the loss of my baby I'm not able to travel etc. Don't mention the cats etc. just the loss of your baby is a very good reason why you need to look after yourself at the moment. X

Orchidflower1 · 01/09/2024 12:45

The cats, the moving house etc are detracting from the big reason. So sorry for your loss- just tell the family that you aren’t coming due to a miscarriage 🌸

Blueblell · 01/09/2024 12:47

Good god I thought you were leading up to saying you had nothing to wear. You have suffered a huge loss and you are grieving. Tell you need time and space.

Tricho · 01/09/2024 12:48

Agree with PP, turn your phone off - grieve for your child.

Assuming you were close to your GGM I daresay she'd be absolutely horrified at how you're being treated in relation to her funeral

Also; the journey can wait because God forbid your brother can't play his rugby game, but can't wait to accommodate a grieving daughter who's just lost her child.

Some boy mums really are fucking gross

EmeraldDreams73 · 01/09/2024 12:51

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. The mothers need to butt out. You need to be taking the space and time you need, and if that's not with their blessing and support, fuck them. If your DGG was here I'm certain she would say look after yourself first. You can say your goodbyes to her privately.

Going forward, boundaries with both mothers are imperative and make sure you and DP are on the same page always. They cannot be allowed to interfere and control like this.

Lilactimes · 01/09/2024 12:53

I agree with the majority of the posts. I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Take time to heal and look after yourself. Just tell relatives you’re too unwell to travel. There’s some lovely advice on here - sending hugs xx

Sewsewsew · 01/09/2024 13:00

💐sorry for your loss OP. Please look after yourself.

TiredCatLady · 01/09/2024 13:02

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss. Your focus should absolutely be on you and your partner at the moment. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel guilt for that. Take time and heal.

Second, both your mum and MIL can fuck right off. And keep fucking off. Ignore the pair of them for a while, doesn’t have to be forever but you are your priority and you don’t have to bend to anyone’s expectations.

Turn your phone off, snuggle up with the cats, take care of you.

Bluesteps · 01/09/2024 13:02

Do they know you have lost a baby. If so it's very insensitive of them......put yourself first.

PonyPatter44 · 01/09/2024 13:03

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Did you have a name for her?

Your mum is being unreasonable, of course. You know it, we know it. Be kind to yourself right now.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 01/09/2024 13:03

I’m so sorry for your loss.
And I’m sure your great grandmother wouldn’t be at all bothered about how many attend her funeral.
You need to look after yourself, give yourself time to grieve and rest.
A lot of funerals are live streamed so you could contact the funeral director to ask.
Or just have some quiet time at home, light a candle and remember a happier time with your g.gm.

tsmainsqueeze · 01/09/2024 13:04

I was a little bit doubting your reasons until i read you wrote about your baby , none of the other things matter, i am so very sorry i know how this feels .
Stuff absolutely everyone the only thing that matters at the moment are you and your partner , emotionally and physically you cannot attend and anyone who dares to question this is totally unreasonable.
Take time and look after yourself ,you need this time to rest and to grieve.
And as others have said in future do not allow these thoughtless women to undermine and dominate you ever again.

socks1107 · 01/09/2024 13:05

I am so sorry for your loss.
Put any notifications from either of them on mute. Take some time to care for you and do not feel guilty.

Babyworriesreal · 01/09/2024 13:07

Your mother is concerned as to how this will reflect on her maybe? Ridiculous! I would explain (via message if that's easier), that you need time to grieve the loss of your baby, and will be taking some quiet time for your own wellbeing. Ask DP to deal with his mother. So sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 13:13

Thank you everyone for the advice, we are going to try and get MIL to back away. I've just received a message from my partner saying that his mum is just sending message upon message today and he just cannot cope with it. We don't know how to get her to stop, it's constant.
I've put the contacts on mute and my partner and I will light a candle tomorrow at the time of the funeral. Thank you everyone for the support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 13:15

@PonyPatter44

We did have a name for her, we have wanted a girl and always wanted to be able to use the name so maybe one day.

Thank you for the support, I'm just struggling to see that this isn't great behaviour from her as it's been an issue throughout my life with her doing and saying things like this.

OP posts:
KurtShirty · 01/09/2024 13:22

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your baby OP, absolutely heartbreaking for you. Everything you do right now needs to be about self-care, you do not owe your mother or your mother in law anything and they both behaved absolutely appallingly. they need to help or fuck off until you’re feeling mentally spacious enough to consider your long term relationship with them both. Maybe get some therapy to support you in this. Also, imo no one should ever feel pressured to attend a funeral, regardless of the reason. Funerals are for the living to help us process our grief, that’s a private thing and down to each of us to do in our own way. It sounds like your mum wants you there either to support her or for the sake of appearances, both bullshit reasons to pressurise you.

PayYourselfFirst · 01/09/2024 13:24

Thank you for the support, I'm just struggling to see that this isn't great behaviour from her as it's been an issue throughout my life with her doing and saying things like this

I'm so sorry for your lossFlowers
Have you considered counselling regarding the issues with your DM?
It really helps to accept that she will never be able to support you in the way you would hope for and it's her own issues causing this.
Hoping for it just causes you pain and turmoil.

She won't understand your reasons for not going and you don't need to explain

Perhaps it's time to reduce contact with hern

JFDIYOLO · 01/09/2024 13:24

I'm so sorry, love.

Mystified as to how insensitive and self centred people can be.

This is time for you and your husband for your own private grief. Travel and the logistics of planning it are out of the question.

I'd have a statement ready to send to anyone who tries to guilt trip you over this.

Perhaps your own little ceremony for them both? Religious if you do, or somewhere beautiful under the sky, candles, words or quiet, music that matters and so on.

Mischance · 01/09/2024 13:26

I am so sorry for all you have been through in recent weeks - such a huge burden and stress for you.

Please ignore your Mum - let her rant. You must do what is right for you.

Does your house move take you nearer or further away from her? - the latter would seem the best option.

Sceptical123 · 01/09/2024 13:28

Who the hell is the 9% saying OP is being unreasonable?!!

PayYourselfFirst · 01/09/2024 13:29

Sceptical123 · 01/09/2024 13:28

Who the hell is the 9% saying OP is being unreasonable?!!

I should imagine they just read to the bit about the cats and the washing machine and no further

Sceptical123 · 01/09/2024 13:30

Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 13:15

@PonyPatter44

We did have a name for her, we have wanted a girl and always wanted to be able to use the name so maybe one day.

Thank you for the support, I'm just struggling to see that this isn't great behaviour from her as it's been an issue throughout my life with her doing and saying things like this.

I’m so sorry for your loss 😔

You should cut them both out for the time being. Tell them why- this is too much for you to deal with. Give them another chance when you’re ready then absolutely cut them off again if they overstep. They sound like hateful women that are making you unnecessarily unhappy.

Sceptical123 · 01/09/2024 13:31

PayYourselfFirst · 01/09/2024 13:29

I should imagine they just read to the bit about the cats and the washing machine and no further

Show quote history

You’re probably right there. 🙄

FranticFrankie · 01/09/2024 13:35

So sorry OP- that sounds you’re having a really tough time
Allow yourself time to grieve; maybe light a second candle for your baby x

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