Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

[Cookingwithflo]

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

So sorry for your loss.

Of course you don’t go to the funeral. Presumably you’ve been signed off work for a period and told to rest. Just repeat that to your mother and mil until they get the message.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I would probably reply to my mum saying that if I was going to expend my limited energy, after miscarrying, on saying goodbye to anyone, it will be my much wanted baby. It’s sad that your mum’s nan has passed but you have more than enough to contend with right now.

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are not being unreasonable. You are grieving the loss of your baby and that needs to be respected.

One point, I was all ready to vote YABU until, quite a long way into your post, you mentioned your loss. Could it be that the impact of that loss is not getting through to people because it is getting lost in all the other far less compelling reasons? It’s a long way, we can’t do washing, I get car sick, we’ve just moved etc. are reasons people might feel are inadequate. If I were you I’d leave them out of any explanation of your not attending. Assuming you have told them about the loss then I’d just say something like “we are struggling with the loss of our baby [or pregnancy whichever you think is more appropriate] and won’t be able to attend. While we understand your disappointment and that you are grieving, the constant messaging is adding to our stress at a difficult time so we won’t be replying on this subject anymore”.

I think one message to each mother/mother-in-law saying that you will not be reading any messages from them for a week (longer if you want). Then mute notifications. It's up to you if you want to tell them about your loss. I would advise not going to this funeral even if it was next door - you need time and kindness to grieve your baby.

(Coincidentally, many funerals now are streamed for people who can't physically attend.)

One of those was me clicking on the wrong one by mistake and I can’t change it 😭

That's odd, it's usually changeable!

Oh Op.

You have to look after yourself.

I know people can lose perspective when they are grieving.

It's fine for your mum to be disappointed that you can't go.

But to be nasty about it?

I think you need to have a break from both her & your MIL.

Perhaps for quite a while...

So sorry for the loss of your baby. I think your mom is the one being unreasonable. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve. 🙏🏻💕

I'm so very sorry you lost your baby.

I'd block your MIL and your mum and get on with your life. They are the unreasonable ones.

Look after yourself.

Your great grandmother would understand and your mum and MIL are being awful. Maybe they have their own griefs, loss of a mum, feeling like their son has an important woman in his life, (you) and not her. BUT none of this trumps your grief or your right to say you cannot attend.

I’m so sorry for your losses @Cookingwithflo and also @WearyAuldWumman

I want to send you both big hugs and to say ignore the people in real life who are unkind to you and only focus on those supporting you. They’re the only ones that matter. <<Hugs>>

I think the relatives are being totally unreasonable. This time is about you and your DP. Your Great Grandmother would understand.

This. Totally agree. Text them both to tell them about your loss then switch your phone off. Hopefully they’ll realise how hurtful they’ve been. If not, then frankly they’re not worth bothering with. It took me 58 years to realise that my mother is fundamentally just not a nice person. I found it oddly liberating. Thinking of you.

I agree with all the messages supporting OP and her decision, and helping her to find a way of stating more clearly her ow needs.

However, her dm is also grieving. She's lost her dgm and a potential dgc. Sometimes in the midst of those feelings people want to gather all those closest around them - it would be a normal response to grief. But that's her dm's way of managing waht is happening. She cannot stipulate what OP should do. She (dm) is being unreasonable in her response. But I hope that you can all get over this fraught time and not let it fracture you as a family.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Your health both mentally and physically is most important thing at the moment. Personally, your Mother sounds narcissistic if she puts a funeral over the loss of her grandchild. That to me is very odd. Funerals are for the living not the dead. You attendance or not makes no difference to the deceased.

When you are ready, you can hold your own memorial for your Great Grandmother.

Might be an idea to block both your Mother and MIL if they can’t see what you are going through.

💐 take the time you need to grieve. I don't think a funeral is the place to go if you have just had a miscarriage.

If you can do without a phone for the next few days, turn it off and forget about everything. If not then temporarily block the negative people.

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s a pain nobody should have to experience, and having such an unkind and frankly bizarre reaction from your mum and MIL is extra stress you shouldn’t have to navigate.
I hope you and your partner can grieve together and block or mute the messages for a while until you feel up to speaking to the pair of them again. You have done nothing wrong and you deserve the time and space to grieve in whatever way you need to.

Good grief.
How did are you?
Before cell phones were invented, my car broke down & my dad started calling me 4-5 times a day and berating me. It was awful.
So I did the only thing I could think of and changed my number to get some relief.
I was mid-20s back then.
For your own health and peace of mind, use the block function on your phone and stop worrying about it.
Concentrate on yourself and on your health.
I’m sure your great-granny would approve.
Take care of yourself. ❤️

Firstly I'm so terribly sorry for you & your DH's loss. You most definitely need time to get through the next days and weeks. You are going through your own grieving process here for something so immediate to you both that you need to block out the noise from everyone else and look after yourselves first and foremost.

Next, in relation to the messages that your family are sending, particularly your mother, to you I'd send one message and then mute or temporarily block her number so that you can give yourself the time you need. You can visit your great grandmother's grave at a time that suits you in the future and bring flowers at that time.

The wording of the message to your mother should probably be something like this "Hi Mum - while I'm still so very sorry about Great Granny passing away, and I will miss her being around, I am unable to go to her funeral. You know the reason why. I am grieving my own loss with DH here. I know that X and Y will be there at the funeral to be there for you but on this occasion I just can't. I am hoping you will in time understand this. I am sorry but I just can't be there. Sending you my love, thoughts and prayers - @Cookingwithflo "

Your DH should send something similar to his mother saying that he needs time and space in order to grieve and you're going to go 'radio silent' for a few days. Put her on mute/block her number too. You can always check your phones at the start/end of every day and if there is something of note, you can deal with it and only that but everything else is just noise at the moment.

💐

OP, you had no need to mention all the other stuff.
You are grieving, that's all anyone needs to know.
I am so sorry for your loss and for the lack of support and understanding from your mum.

Please block your mum and partner's mum and take time to grieve.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, take time

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.
Don't just put them on mute, block both of them. You don't want to read any of their messages. What horrible spiteful women.

god, how selfish of your mum. Your great grandma had a life, unfortunately for you your darling daughter did not.
block them hunni x

Hi sorry for your loss. People of today are nothing short of awful. Everyone has lost their common sense, reasoning and sympathy, its all me, me, me. Maybe tell your Mum that she needs to evaluate what's more important and that her empathy should be with the living. Xx

Be kind to yourselves, and ignore those that can't also be kind to you. It's unbelievable that your so called nearest and dearest are being so awful towards you. Take the time you need to heal before you deal with anyone else

I’m sure your great-grandmother would have understood!
However, we all handle grief in bereavement differently and maybe you need to cut your mum some slack. Let it settle then share your feelings together.

OP this is terrible. So sorry for your oh so sad loss. Just block the Mil and your Mother out of your life for now while you grieve and hopefully recover. They both sound horrible. It’s time to put both of the on the back burner until you figure out down the line if/how much contact you want with either of them.

I'm sorry for your loss, I wonder if it would help to consider a service for your own baby, a local minister/hospital chaplain or non religious celebrant could help you with this, if you haven't already. Please be gentle with yourselves.