Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

[Cookingwithflo]

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

I'm so, so sorry, OP.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're being very badly let down by any family not supporting you right now, but putting pressure on you instead.
All that preamble about cats and moving house and washing machines makes it sound as if you've become used to squashing down your real feelings as if they don't matter, as if they're a 'by the way' among physical obstacles. They bloody well aren't, especially at a time like this. Look after yourself, and fuck anyone who minimises what you're going through.

I'm sorry for your loss. You need space, even if your DM and MIL weren't batshit, you'd need some time with your partner to heal. They are both being beyond selfish.

Do what you need to do to heal physically and mentally, get partner to be gatekeeper.

Wishing you all the best.

Really sorry for your loss and all the turmoil you’re managing to get through. As far as your DM and MIL go, fuck ‘em. Take some learning out of this for the future and do your own thing. Take care of you.

You absolutely have to focus on your grief and recovery right now. Your family dynamic doesn’t sound healthy or supportive at all. My sister missed a major family event right after a miscarriage and nobody would have dreamt of making her feel bad about it, every one was just worried for her.

Sorry for your loss.

I would not have criticised you for not going, indeed I would have expected you not to go.

Never let anyone minimise the affect of losing a wanted baby through miscarriage, OP. Anyone with any sensitivity who has experience this loss will tell you that the grief is real and that you never forget Unfortunately people like your mum and Mil seem to think it’s of no significance and you can have another one just as if you mislaid an item of grocery on the way back from the supermarket. Look after yourself physically and emotionally and look forward to the future when you are ready. Disregard your relatives’ views. Does your mum think it will reflect on herself if you do not attend? There is usually a selfish reason for such unkind behaviour

Narrow down your stresses, filtering those less a part of this.

When you explain to your mum the main issue is that sadly you have lost your baby and you are not well enough to travel.

By focussing on the relevant information, the message is clear and not lost in the jumble of house move, washing machine, mil - which are not relevant to you not being able to attend with your mum.

I may be projecting here, but it really wouldn't surprise me if further down the line you realise your mum and MIL don't care about you all that much.

They are being awful. Put your needs first. You are right not to go to the funeral, given the circumstances, and your mum's reaction says a lot about where her priorities lie, and how much she values you, beyond you meeting her needs.

Sorry for your loss

I am so sorry OP. Block them both. You have every right to grieve.

Very sorry for your loss OP.
When i was 6 months pregnant with twins, and complications, my lovely Nan died. We were very close, she and my Grandad helped bring me up. The funeral was a 2 hour drive away, and i very much wanted to go but my Mum and Aunt, her daughters, told me firmly "Nan wouldn't have wanted you going through any stress and risking your health or those babies, you stay at home."
You've just been through an awful experience and you need to rest and heal. I'm sure your GN wouldn't expect you to travel under such circumstances, either x

I bet your DGGG would understand.

I'm sorry for your loss.💐 Only accept messages, speak to or be with supportive people at the moment. Block everyone else.

Then tell them what you think of them when you feel better. What utterly selfish people!

I’m sorry for the loss of your baby , and your grandmother.

You are recovering from a traumatic miscarriage, and that is more than enough reason to decline an 8 hour round solo drive. The boxes/ cats/ laundry/ annoying mil are side issues to this.

Your mother’s lack of empathy for your miscarriage is appalling.

In your shoes, I would tell family that doctors have advised you not to travel for medical reasons.

I'm glad your partner has your back on this, it makes all the difference.
I think if Mum and MiL can't find it in themselves to be kind and gentle with you at a time like this, they are best avoided.
Can I gently point out that you losing the baby is a bigger issue than what your Mum thinks about the funeral.
Take all the time you need to mourn, you sound lovely, and it is a real shame that both of them are being so selfish. Keep your distance and cocoon yourself for a while. Longer term, there may be distancing to be done.

this. Everything else was a bit something or nothing and is probably muddying the waters somewhat, both for you and anyone else you’ve explained those issues to. The fact you’ve lost your baby (I’m so sorry for your loss, that’s heartbreaking) comes first and foremost and you must put yourself first unapologetically.

You need to look after yourself at this point, having recently had a miscarriage is an acceptable reason for missing a family funeral. The other reasons to my mind are not reasons to miss a funeral, but in this case they are a side issue anyway.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

All that matters now is that you take the time to grieve your baby with your partner.

It's very hard when you have a difficult mother to see that they are acting terribly because you are so used to it, and they make you feel like everything you do is unreasonable and selfish.

No one reasonable would expect you to attend a funeral at this stage and the fact that your mother is pressuring you is awful behaviour and she should be ashamed of herself.

If you can; go very low contact - send a message saying that you need time to recover and grieve and that you won't be responding to her calls or messages, and then mute her.

Hi @Cookingwithflo I’m so sorry you lost your baby and you don’t have any support from your family. I’m pleased that your DP is lovely but sorry that everything is happening all at once. I think you need to mute both mothers at the moment. Do you have any friends you can talk to so that you can take the pressure off each other a bit? I actually think that you both should seriously consider doing some counselling either together or separately so that you are both stronger with boundaries with these awful, selfish mothers going forwards. You probably should think twice before sharing your address with either of them and maybe consider changing phone numbers.

One of those was me clicking on the wrong one by mistake and I can’t change it 😭

OP you are absolutely not unreasonable at all, and I’m so sorry for both of your losses funerals are for the living, and if one of those people isn’t well enough to go, then that is the priority. People can act very strangely when grieving so I can only assume that’s why your Mum is behaving oddly.

@Cookingwithflo so sorry for your loss. Just do what you can manage right now - prioritise yourself and everything else can wait it's turn. I'm shocked anyone would even expect you to go to a funeral just now tbh.

You poor woman.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Block both awful mothers.
They are a thundering disgrace.
Re think contact with them both.
They sound utterly toxic.
Mind yourself.

Who on earth has voted YABU?!

100% agree with this. Take care of yourself and shut off those who can’t support you. I’m sorry you’re going through this and sending you uplifting thoughts from afar. ❤️

Of course you shouldn't be expected to go to the funeral and your mother is being unreasonable. However don't over explain. Stick to the main point, that you lost your baby last week and you are unwell and upset.
When I first read your post I was initially thinking that you may be being unreasonable because you left the main issue until last and focussed on the unpacking, broken washing machine and irritation with your MIL.
If your Mum continues to be unsympathetic about your loss you can address that later. Take time to look after yourself. First things first.

I am so very sorry. Of course you're not in the wrong.

I lost my husband during lockdown. His middle-aged children told me that they couldn't come because of health concerns and that they didn't want the only grandchild (an adult) to come, because it would be upsetting.

It would have meant a one hour plane journey, but the grandchild had travelled abroad during Covid and money wasn't a problem for them.

The only people at the restricted funeral were my cousins, my husband's nephew and friends. (The kids sent their mum to represent them. Her current partner dropped her off at the crem.)

This is the relevant part. My husband's funeral was on webcast. Unfortunately, one of the kids lost a middle-aged sibling-in-law on the same day as my husband's funeral.

Their partner insisted that they wanted me to watch the funeral on webcast. I don't know why, but I felt an obligation to do so. They also insisted that they wanted me to write a message from my husband to their sibling in the online Book of Remembrance. (They had never met! Nevertheless, I managed to write something.) All this caused me a great deal of stress.

It was clear that chunks of my husband's funeral had been copied. Fair enough. That's what happens.

Bear in mind that I was completely on my own. Had been since my husband's death. I'm putting a 'trigger warning here' for the rest in case someone else is in a similar position. [Trigger warning: discussion of heart problems.]

The night I lost DH, I tried to give him mouth-to-mouth. Completely forgot about CPR in my panic. The call handler talked me through that. I was exhausted by the time the paramedics took over. It made no difference.

During the eulogy for the partner's sibling, they referenced their previous health issues...including the fact that they'd "died" three times in a row and had been brought back three times via CPR. (This was a couple of years prior to their death.)

That was the last thing I needed to be listening to. I was already blaming myself for failing my husband and even writing this I'm trying to avoid getting flashbacks to that night.

The OP should not attend the family funeral. It's the last thing she needs. Believe me, I know.

Oh my gosh they are behaving terribly towards you both. I'd block them for now, until you're in a better place. I'm sorry for your loss.

@Cookingwithflo your doctor/midwife says you aren’t fit to travel at this time. It’s most unfortunate.