Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

[Cookingwithflo]

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

I can't imagine what you're going through. The house move and peculiar MIL are bad enough but to lose your baby, my heart aches for you. Just ignore any contact from your mum at the moment, concentrate on yourself and wait till you feel stronger before resuming contact. If necessary put your feelings in a letter and let her cogitate on that.

The first two posts say it all for me too. Sounds like both your mother and MIL are totally insensitive to what is going on for you. Just take good care of yourself. You are going through a huge period of upheaval as well as recovering from your loss. Sending a hug.

I’m so sorry for your loss your mum and MIL sound horrible right now. Take it easy on yourself, do what you need to do for yourself and take all the time to grieve your child you want

Screw your mum and everyone else, focus on you and partner now. You have had a great loss and you need time to process that and find a way forward. I’m shocked at how insensitive your mum
is being, I’m sorry OP but what a bitch she is.

Ignore them both, you need time physically and mentally to get through the loss, I miscarriage years ago and it takes time for you mind and body to adjust and its different for everyone. Maybe send a message to them both to say you need a break from them or ask your partner to send a message. Sorry for you loss.

I would send a message saying that you are really disappointed by the lack of empathy and care shown during the most heartbreaking time of your life. That you will be taking time away to grieve and recover from the physical and emotional upheaval that comes from a miscarriage and would appreciate, if she can’t be kind at the moment could she at least be respectful and offer you space to grieve.
As for MIL, has she always been like this or is this new behaviour? If she has always been this way I suggest completely going no contact. She won’t change and you just don’t need that in your life. Your husband is free to continue a relationship but never at your house.
I’m so sorry for your loss, unfortunately many don’t realise the intense upset unless they experience it themselves. I hope you are given time and space to grieve.
Also, I wanted to add that you deserve better treatment than this. Please know this is on them and not you.

I’m sorry but I think your mother’s behaviour is monstrous.

I know first hand how it feels having a mother like yours. I lost my first baby last year and she basically said it was all my fault (she never wanted me to have kids). I am so sorry for you and your partner having to put up with this nonsense and for your loss, it can take a long time to get over. I hope you didn’t go today. Please take time to heal and protect yourselves ❤️

When reading the first part my reaction was to say oh come on, supporting your family was a priority.

Having read the rest, oh my goodness, absolutely you need to think of yourself, grieve. Anyone who says otherwise just ignore.

I'm so sorry, sending hugs, such a lot going, a lot of stressful things anyway but losing your baby supercedes the rest of it.

You take care of you and I hope you will be taken care of. Xx

Your mother and your mother in law need a good hard kick up the arse!

Ignore these people sweety. Protect yourself
make a wall until you heal. I feel for you. 😞😞😞 I lost my pregnancy that was a baby boy not so long ago and I just shut everyone out until I healed, even if it meant I annoyed a few people( and they told me afterwards that they were annoyed). So be it. It took me over 6-8 weeks to recover from the physical aspect of the miscarriage including still getting nausea. Your body is post partum but without the baby. It’s so confused. You will go through the same emotions a mother who has given birth but without thr support and understanding. Losing a baby at any stage is real grief, don’t let anyone undermine you. Please go easy on yourself. Sending you best wishes and peace and your baby is in your heart always ❤️

Oh, you poor poor thing. I'm so sorry

I'm so so sorry that you are having to experience this behaviour. You are are a real person who has gone through real experiences in their life and you deserve respect as an individual. Stand your ground, grieve in your own time. If you can't make the funeral then that is just what it is. Your great grandmother has passed and will never know of your bereavement.

I honestly can't imagine anyone on the planet telling you that you're being unreasonable xx

So sorry for your loss OP. Aside from this, you have so much going on. Turn off your phone, ignore you mother and MIL for now, and allow yourself time to grieve and look after yourself

So sorry for you loss OP. Your mum needs to give herself a talking to, she should be supporting you in your grief not adding to your stress!

So sorry for your loss, that must have been so difficult to deal with.
Think you should focus on your own loss and recovery right now. Get your husband to send a strongly worded message to both your mil and dm on your behalf letting them know how upset you have been at their lack of support and demands at this fragile time in your life, so you will be blocking them both for now until you are feeling better. Of course you could send this message yourself, but I reckon that if it comes from him they might hopefully take it more seriously, as they seem totally oblivious / disrespectful of your feelings. Hope you get better soon.

What’s wrong with you people? Where’s your empathy? I have every sympathy for anyone going through the devastation of losing a child 😢 But we don’t know how grief-stricken this mother might be on her grandmother’s death. Stop being so quick to judge!
I won’t be reading the responses to this comment as I don’t need negativity!

I'm so sorry for your loss & send healing hugs.

Tell your Mum you're not up to traveling or attending the funeral & socialising afterwards would be too hard for you as you're grieving for your child. Don't let her or you MIL make you feel guilty for anything. Do what you need to do to get through this difficult time without worrying about what they think or say.

My mum has always belittled my feelings and experiences, and she wasn't even supportive when we moved into the new house.

Did you not read this bit?

Oh @Cookingwithflo I am so, so sorry for your loss. You and your partner need to grieve. Quite frankly, everyone else needs f*k off out it. You two are the only ones that matter. Block your MIL, your DM and focus on yourselves. Incidentally, Sands, the baby-loss charity may be something you want to look into when you feel strong enough.
Again, so, so sorry. Sending you lots of loe and sympathy.

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage I can't imagine how bad you must feel, and it's unbelievable that you are getting rubbish treatment from both sides of the family when they should be first in line to make sure how you are coping. A funeral is very personal and is for the people who are left behind, and your mum should not be hassling you to go anyway never mind a week after losing your baby. How dare she!! What a horrible, unfeeling mother. The most important person at this moment is you, and you need to take care of yourself and recover and not be worrying about your mum or mil. They don't sound like very nice people.

Hi there. I'm not quite sure of the timing of all this but I'm assuming you lost your baby at around the time of the funeral? Regardless, you are an adult and it's absolutely your choice as to whether you attend a funeral regardless of the fact that you've lost your baby which I am so very sorry for. Having lost babies myself I understand fully how devastating it is. Having just moved house and trying to unpack and cope with broken appliances whilst still pregnant is stressful enough without having to consider the travel sickness if you were to have attended this funeral and then losing your baby on top of that, just look after yourself. It's too much for most people to take on and your family are being grossly unreasonable. Block them for the time being until you have allowed yourself time to grieve. I know when I lost my first baby, still born at 20 weeks I sobbed every day for four months. I don't think people realise the impact it has. I wish you all the best

Lovely Post, so very eloquently and kindly put