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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum is disappointed that I haven't managed to attend funeral

149 replies

Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 11:54

Hi there, I honestly don't know what to say to things my mum has said this morning so I'm hoping to maybe get something here.

My great grandmother had recently passed away on the 6th of August and the funeral had been decided for the 2nd of September. The plan that my mum and her family had made was to go down after my little brother had rugby today on the 1st of September. I had only found out these plans a few days ago. I have recently moved house with my partner and we have been struggling to unpack everything so we are very limited with clothing we have, our washing machine was broken when we moved in and we had only just had it repaired on Thursday. I had mentioned this to my mum but had no offer of taking washing up to her house, I had asked if it was possible maybe two weeks before hand as well.
This isn't the main reason to not attending the funeral.

My partner and I were expecting our first baby, we weren't too far along but wanted to get our new home ready. We also have two cats so having them settle was a little difficult. We had been recieving a lot of crappy messages from my partners mum basically asking if I had even been doing anything to help (I cook, clean and have been the one at home mostly trying to unpack and get the house sorted) I felt extremely hurt with these messages and it feels like she is somewhat angry for me taking her son away. This added lots of unnecessary stress, I had lots of hospital visits and unfortunately this week we lost our baby girl. I have been in tears daily and haven't been eating, sleeping or even doing anything daily to look after myself when my partner is at work. I'm finding it horrible. I've tried explaining to my mum that I'm having a really hard time but she has only said she is disappointed in me for not going to this funeral, I would also like to add that it is a 4 hour drive and I currently get extremely nauseous when driving or being in transport for this long.

Ive not even had a full week to recover from losing my own child yet Im being called selfish for being unable to attend a funeral so far from home without my partner to be there for support. I really don't know what to do or say.

I'm sorry for the lengthy rant

OP posts:
RLmadmum · 01/09/2024 14:57

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry that they're being complete arses to you. I would mute them for the time being and take all the time you need to grieve and process. Thankfully you have a supportive partner. Thinking of you ❤️

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 14:58

To add to my above post, I later let myself being coerced into attending a funeral for someone else - long story - had offered someone a lift because I felt sorry for them, but had insisted I wouldn't enter the crematorium - and I found it extremely upsetting.

Immediately after such a terrible bereavement, you're very vulnerable. I'm glad that the Op and her husband have one another's backs.

Theleaveswillbefalling · 01/09/2024 14:58

Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 13:13

Thank you everyone for the advice, we are going to try and get MIL to back away. I've just received a message from my partner saying that his mum is just sending message upon message today and he just cannot cope with it. We don't know how to get her to stop, it's constant.
I've put the contacts on mute and my partner and I will light a candle tomorrow at the time of the funeral. Thank you everyone for the support.

He needs to tell her to stop or he will block her. People like this need to given strong boundaries but they don’t have any of their own.

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 14:59

@WearyAuldWumman I’m so very sorry for your loss too. The trauma fallout during this period has not been fully studied, but I know of several people who experienced similar harrowing experiences. You should not have been pressured either, darling. Death really does bring out the worst in people.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 15:01

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 14:59

@WearyAuldWumman I’m so very sorry for your loss too. The trauma fallout during this period has not been fully studied, but I know of several people who experienced similar harrowing experiences. You should not have been pressured either, darling. Death really does bring out the worst in people.

Thank you. That's appreciated more than you know.

ClairDeLaLune · 01/09/2024 15:14

Hucklemuckle · 01/09/2024 12:17

If she contacts you tell her you are disappointed she has such a lack of anything resembling compassion that she has added to your grief of having lost your child. And block her

This ⬆️ So sorry for your loss OP. Please look after yourself, the cleaning and laundry can wait.

Original poster
Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 15:15

@WearyAuldWumman

I am so so sorry for your loss, I'm sending my love. You did not deserve to be put through so much stress and hurt, I can only hope you are okay now. Life is super shitty but we will all get there in the end if we can support each other. I can't imagine the pain. ♥️

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 01/09/2024 15:22

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 14:51

I am so very sorry. Of course you're not in the wrong.

I lost my husband during lockdown. His middle-aged children told me that they couldn't come because of health concerns and that they didn't want the only grandchild (an adult) to come, because it would be upsetting.

It would have meant a one hour plane journey, but the grandchild had travelled abroad during Covid and money wasn't a problem for them.

The only people at the restricted funeral were my cousins, my husband's nephew and friends. (The kids sent their mum to represent them. Her current partner dropped her off at the crem.)

This is the relevant part. My husband's funeral was on webcast. Unfortunately, one of the kids lost a middle-aged sibling-in-law on the same day as my husband's funeral.

Their partner insisted that they wanted me to watch the funeral on webcast. I don't know why, but I felt an obligation to do so. They also insisted that they wanted me to write a message from my husband to their sibling in the online Book of Remembrance. (They had never met! Nevertheless, I managed to write something.) All this caused me a great deal of stress.

It was clear that chunks of my husband's funeral had been copied. Fair enough. That's what happens.

Bear in mind that I was completely on my own. Had been since my husband's death. I'm putting a 'trigger warning here' for the rest in case someone else is in a similar position. [Trigger warning: discussion of heart problems.]

The night I lost DH, I tried to give him mouth-to-mouth. Completely forgot about CPR in my panic. The call handler talked me through that. I was exhausted by the time the paramedics took over. It made no difference.

During the eulogy for the partner's sibling, they referenced their previous health issues...including the fact that they'd "died" three times in a row and had been brought back three times via CPR. (This was a couple of years prior to their death.)

That was the last thing I needed to be listening to. I was already blaming myself for failing my husband and even writing this I'm trying to avoid getting flashbacks to that night.

The OP should not attend the family funeral. It's the last thing she needs. Believe me, I know.

Show quote history

I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH @WearyAuldWumman. Please don’t think that you failed your husband or blame yourself in any way. I’m a first aider, and was told on the course that CPR rarely works, the person is already dead, and in the unlikely cases when it does work you’re actually bringing them back to life. So sadly it’s likely to have been the same outcome for your DH even if you’d been a paramedic Flowers

BakeOffRewatch · 01/09/2024 15:25

I’m so sorry for your loss @Cookingwithflo . Look after yourself, this kind of grief can take some time. With respect to your mother, they say don’t go to the well where there’s no water. You need a lot of gentle water right now, don’t feel bad about focusing on where you can get that.

Nsky62 · 01/09/2024 15:26

Sending you love, take care of yourself first, your relatives are very selfish

viques · 01/09/2024 15:28

I am so sorry for your loss. I imagine that your great grandmother would understand perfectly why you aren’t able to go to the funeral, so remember her in your own time tomorrow.

Funerals are for the living, and while it might have been a time when you could all have shared memories of her with family members there will be other times to talk about her. At the moment and your partner have other ,private , grieving to do, so take your time to do that and be gentle on yourselves, there are enough things going on in your life at the moment without having to deal with other peoples thoughtlessness.

SpanielPaws · 01/09/2024 15:28

You are grieving your loss, and your Mum is grieving hers so perhaps neither of you are in the best frame of mind right now. Having gone through it recently myself, grief does very funny things to you. Don't say things that either of you will regret.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 15:38

Cookingwithflo · 01/09/2024 15:15

@WearyAuldWumman

I am so so sorry for your loss, I'm sending my love. You did not deserve to be put through so much stress and hurt, I can only hope you are okay now. Life is super shitty but we will all get there in the end if we can support each other. I can't imagine the pain. ♥️

Thank you.That's so lovely of you. I am so very sorry for everything that you're going through. Sending you hugs.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 15:41

ClairDeLaLune · 01/09/2024 15:22

I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH @WearyAuldWumman. Please don’t think that you failed your husband or blame yourself in any way. I’m a first aider, and was told on the course that CPR rarely works, the person is already dead, and in the unlikely cases when it does work you’re actually bringing them back to life. So sadly it’s likely to have been the same outcome for your DH even if you’d been a paramedic Flowers

Show quote history

Thank you.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 01/09/2024 15:44

@Cookingwithflo sorry for your loss. I assume you were quire far along as you already knew it was a she?

4 hours in a car is absolutely not a good idea so I'd quite rightfully say no to going. I'm sure your great grandmother would agree with you!

I'd also block your mum and MIL for now so you can have some time to yourself without their input.

Have you moved far from your outlaws?

heinzseight · 01/09/2024 15:46

You've lost a baby, presumably after 12 weeks, so it's completely understandable you can't make the funeral.

Some advice from (I'm guessing) about twenty years more experience of handling the family of partners - do not get involved in any family disagreements, do not engage with people who are horrible to you. Block your partner's mother, she is his problem to deal with.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 01/09/2024 15:46

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl ❤️ your mum is being a massive arse. Leave her to it and don't let her annoy you with stupid messages. Sending you love and kind warm thoughts.
@WearyAuldWumman I am so sorry for the loss of your DH. Please don't beat yourself up or feel you failed. I'm a fully trained first aider and we were told in training that CPR maybe works 5-15% of the time at most but its something we have to try. You did it, and that makes you a hero for having the bravery to do it. Sending you love

FancyRedRobin · 01/09/2024 15:50

I've been in your boat and went to a family occasion. I shouldn't have. I was no good to anybody.
Stay at home knowing that what you are doing is the only thing you can and should do.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/09/2024 15:53

Sorry you lost your baby. How harrowing. It’s about you,prioritising your wellbeing and if that includes not going to a funeral, so be it
I'd expect anyone with a mode of compassion to understand your reason for not attending

ruffler45 · 01/09/2024 15:58

Just tell everyone that you have been advised by the doc/nurse that you need at least 2 - 3 weeks Complete Rest (insert any nymber that suits), should be enough to get some breathing space after your loss (for which I am sorry).

1983Louise · 01/09/2024 16:01

You really need a hug don't you, you've had a horrible time and now everyone who should care for you is dismissing your feelings. I wouldn't be bullied into going to the funeral, have some quiet time at home and light a candle at the time of the actual funeral. Sorry for your loss, take care of yourself and don't worry about anything else x

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/09/2024 16:03

WearyAuldWumman · 01/09/2024 14:51

I am so very sorry. Of course you're not in the wrong.

I lost my husband during lockdown. His middle-aged children told me that they couldn't come because of health concerns and that they didn't want the only grandchild (an adult) to come, because it would be upsetting.

It would have meant a one hour plane journey, but the grandchild had travelled abroad during Covid and money wasn't a problem for them.

The only people at the restricted funeral were my cousins, my husband's nephew and friends. (The kids sent their mum to represent them. Her current partner dropped her off at the crem.)

This is the relevant part. My husband's funeral was on webcast. Unfortunately, one of the kids lost a middle-aged sibling-in-law on the same day as my husband's funeral.

Their partner insisted that they wanted me to watch the funeral on webcast. I don't know why, but I felt an obligation to do so. They also insisted that they wanted me to write a message from my husband to their sibling in the online Book of Remembrance. (They had never met! Nevertheless, I managed to write something.) All this caused me a great deal of stress.

It was clear that chunks of my husband's funeral had been copied. Fair enough. That's what happens.

Bear in mind that I was completely on my own. Had been since my husband's death. I'm putting a 'trigger warning here' for the rest in case someone else is in a similar position. [Trigger warning: discussion of heart problems.]

The night I lost DH, I tried to give him mouth-to-mouth. Completely forgot about CPR in my panic. The call handler talked me through that. I was exhausted by the time the paramedics took over. It made no difference.

During the eulogy for the partner's sibling, they referenced their previous health issues...including the fact that they'd "died" three times in a row and had been brought back three times via CPR. (This was a couple of years prior to their death.)

That was the last thing I needed to be listening to. I was already blaming myself for failing my husband and even writing this I'm trying to avoid getting flashbacks to that night.

The OP should not attend the family funeral. It's the last thing she needs. Believe me, I know.

Show quote history

Want to acknowledge your post and the impact the death of your husband has had and the intrusive memories
CPR in community setting has a really low success rate @7% survival
Even in hospital setting with a full team it is challenging
Please try be kind to yourself as you really did your best in a scary emotionally charged situation

ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 01/09/2024 16:04

Tell your mother you are disappointed in her lack of empathy with her daughter.

Zone2NorthLondon · 01/09/2024 16:08

ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 01/09/2024 16:04

Tell your mother you are disappointed in her lack of empathy with her daughter.

Yes. Very much so

Isometimeswonder · 01/09/2024 16:13

Stop worrying about washing and cats etc. You have just had a horrible loss yourself. Your mum and MIL are being selfish.
Please take the time to grieve. I'm so sorry 😞

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