Would you go nc with your parents for this

[giantcolouringbook]

I am 23(f) and work f/t my company have been offering compresses hours which I have happily accepted bearing in mind I get paid the same and do the same hours but an extra day off plus weekends.
I excitedly told my parents this and they are furious saying that I should have discussed it with them first as it affects them too.
They've also said if I'm going to be home an extra day of in the week I need to do something with it and not just hang around the house.
My dad is retired and spends every day hanging around the house doing nothing.
Aibu to think a) this has nothing to do with them and b) I shouldn't be told to go out and do something when I am looking forward to an extra down day at home doing exactly what my dad does?
I am of course looking to move out asap but would you think there was any coming back from this or should I just move on never look back.

No, I'd just move out and be thankful I was able to stay with my parents while I needed to.

The thing is, what other people do (in the UK or elsewhere) is irrelevant. What MN thinks of 16 and 19 year olds is also irrelevant.

I also don't think it matters that she pays her own way - that should be a totally standard thing for a 23 year old who works full-time and lives at home to do.

If she wants the independence of being an adult who chooses how she spends her time, then she needs to do that in her own place. You can't choose to live at home in your 20's and simultaneously expect to just do whatever you want regardless of the impact it has on your parents and the other members of your household.

Her parents don't sound like dicks at all - they sound like they want their adult daughter in her twenties to move out and do something with her life, not loiter around their house three days a week doing nothing. That's a perfectly reasonable expectation.

EDIT: I say all the above as someone who lived at home on/off throughout my twenties, for reference.

@giantcolouringbook

First off, what your dad does or doesn't do isn't relevant. He's worked his years and is entitled to do nothing if he wishes. I remember my dad sipping coffee and watching the rain out the window or puttering in his garden and it made me so happy to see him doing exactly what he wanted after working for 40 years. Same with Mum when she retired. They put in their hard graft. You haven't.

Can you clarify what your parents mean by 'doing something'? Do they think you don't pitch in enough with cleaning, cooking, home 'duties' so they want you to use your extra day off to do your 'fair share'? My adult child lounging around whilst I was doing all the housework would piss me off too. Because you're an adult, not a child, and should be carrying your share of the domestic load, just as you would if you were sharing a flat with roommates. And before you ask, yes, our youngest son is currently at home. He does his share of 'upkeep'. We have acreage and he works outside plus does a share of 'inside' jobs as well as cleaning up after himself in the 'communal' parts of the house and keeping his room clean. Do you?

It's really not 'meant' for adult children to be living with their parents. But I know that the housing market, both where I live and in the UK, is just ridiculous and 'young folk' cannot find affordable flats, especially kids just starting out. So in a way our generations are having to make up rules as we go along. But the main rule is "Do your share". If your mum and dad are cooking for you, doing your laundry, cleaning your 'living spaces' and having to clean up after you in the house, you are acting like a child.

I don't mean that you should become their skivvy. I mean you should be an equal contributor to the upkeep of the household. And paying them rent doesn't absolve you from doing your share. If you paid a landlord rent would you expect the landlord to come clean your flat or do your laundry as part of the rent payment? Of course not. Your rent to your parents pays for the increase in their household running costs and extra food, not maid service.

You've quite clearly but the kibosh on their Friday afternoon sex parties

But you're not a child in their home, you're an adult.

And they're hardly being heartless! When you talk like this you demonstrate you have no understanding of real mistreatment or suffering (which quite frankly is insulting to those that do).

Going nc with them after you move out just sounds like a selfish, spiteful temper tantrum designed to punish them because they hurt your feelings, which is no way to behave.

You can't go through life treating people like that, not only will you not get far, but it's borderline abusive of you.

Your parents have let you live you at home into adulthood & judging by your attitude seem to have done (a) a lot for you and (b) given you a lot. One would would hope you were appreciative but you just sound selfish & spiteful.

I personally feel like this is a heartless and unnecessary way to treat a child in their home but I'm prepared to accept most people disagree with me and that's fine.

Imo you're wrong

But if you want things to change - move out

Sorry but this is so bizarre. Going NC with your parents because they’re annoyed you’re going to be at home one extra day a week? I agree it’s unfair and they’re obviously making you feel a bit unwelcome but going NC is such an extreme overreaction. Is there something you just aren’t telling us?

FFS. This is not your hill to die on. If you go NC over this, once you've moved out, then you are a fool.

Get a social life other than your family.
Move out.

Maybe they don’t want you around an extra day because you are so dramatic?!

seriously though - this is way over the top and maybe you need to think why that is.

This

Maybe they do things during the day they don't want you involved in, or they may be worried they will be running around after you all day. Your response is irrational and extreme which makes me wonder if they walk on eggshells around you, if this is the case, having you around for another day would be difficult for them. Maybe start by asking them why they feel this way and responding to whatever their reason is in a mature non confrontational way and if you don't like it, you need to move out

Adults in a shared home consult each other about changes in routine and schedule to check it works for everyone in the household. That was your first oversight. A husband or wife consult each other, for example.

A dependent adult child living with their parents is at home, but it is not their house. It is the parent's house and they ultimately decide what works for them. Your parents have told you it does not work for them. You are not a child any longer, you're an adult. You have to respect their wishes.

You said you have tried to engage with them more in evenings and they want to do their own thing. Good for them! So common sense may have told you that an additional day in the house would not be welcome. It isn't that you are unloved, it is that they want their own time, their own space and to reclaim their non-parent identity a bit more than you are ready to accept.

You may not think about it but you will be home another day of the week, meaning more food, more bills, added disruption that thing inevitably brings. You are asking more from your parents with no consideration to what that means. I also doubt you pay full market rates or you would be living independently. Why did you think that was a decision you could make without asking first?

Lastly, I am afraid they probably see your decision and to choose to work less (weekdays) at your age as a step backwards, not forwards. A 20-something doing compressed hours, with no apparent reason other than wanting to hang around the house, probably seems like they are even further from enjoying their retirement as a couple. You don't seem to want to use the day for study for example, or maybe build a business, or volunteer. I wouldn't be happy with my adult kids being home on a weekday, under my feet, running utilities etc. That is my view, not everyone's of course, but I can't get behind the choices you want to make as a 20-something. And for me, that is why it would be time for you to move out and get a taste of living independently.

You haven't answered any of the questions asking how much of a part you play in the upkeep of the house.
How much housework do you do? Do you pay rent?

It's understandable that your parents, having raised their family and now being retired, might want some quiet time during the week while you're at work.

Whether you realise it or not, spending an additional day at their house will change the dynamic of their daily or weekly routine. While you might appreciate having an extra day off from work, for them, it means losing a day of the alone time and quiet they value.

It's important to recognise that your parents are individuals with their own lives and needs, and now that you're an adult, their world doesn't revolve around you. They've fulfilled their role in raising you and deserve to enjoy their private time together. This is natural.

Cutting off contact with them over this isn't justified. That would be a self-centered reaction and shows a lack of understanding of the stage of life your parents are at.

Maybe your reaction might be telling you something about why they value their space.

But surely with compressed hours you will be out of the house longer on the days that you are working? If your parents (mother) are cooking your meals this will affect them, because they will either need to eat later if you all eat together or put something on one side for you.

PS My 24 year old has a day off in the week (works 8+ hours on the other days anything between 8 am and 6 pm). On the "extra" day off, she does her washing, helps with the shopping or housework or dog walking and cooks a meal. Sometimes we all go on a family outing during the week in which case the household tasks are done at the weekend.

People like their own space.
Not so much since covid and working habits have changed in the last 20 or so years, but many women used to dread when their partners retired because they would be hanging around the house all day.

Do you literally do nothing other than work and sometimes go to the gym?

God that's depressing for a 23 year old.

I really think you need to consider where you are in life. Do you have friends? Dates? Hobbies? It doesn't have to revolve around drinking, lots of people don't drink

I think you need to reflect on the question of whether you are actually "a child".

I think if you look carefully you will find that you are in fact an adult.

You are not a child. Your parents are telling you loud and clear that the time has come for you to move out. They want their peaceful retirement for just the pair of them, which is perfectly fair. Maybe they do swing naked from the chandeliers when you are not around and don't want to lose one day a week of that.

You are coming across as self centred and over entitled here. You will probably be back in a few years complaining that your parents won't do any childcare for you and you don't understand why.

There's no way that what you describe would ever justify going NC. That would be unnecessary, cruel, and probably worse for you as well.

Can you clarify what your parents mean by 'doing something'? Do they think you don't pitch in enough with cleaning, cooking, home 'duties' so they want you to use your extra day off to do your 'fair share'?

I thought something quite different tbh. Quite a few of my colleagues work compressed hours and they use their day off to (amongst other things) play golf, go canoeing, undertake large dressmaking projects, go away on long weekends etc.

i.e. whilst they might potter around the house occasionally, the day off is normally being quite purposefully spent. I do wonder if this is what OP's parents mean. Whilst there is nothing wrong with lounging round the house and watching a bit of TV, it shows a distinct lack of - something - for a 23 year old to actively plan to do this every week, when they are already doing it every evening and weekend.

@PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket in all honesty these do not sound like parents that would want to do childcare for grandchildren anyway. they already begrudge their child (though now an adult) spending time with them and wanting to do stuff as a family.

I am sorry OP but it sounds like it is best for you to move out for your own sake and then maybe while not cutting them out go low contact and see how much time they actually want to spend with you.

They've also said if I'm going to be home an extra day of in the week I need to do something with it and not just hang around the house.
My dad is retired and spends every day hanging around the house doing nothing.

It's not comparable, is it? Your dad is hanging around after 40+ years of full time working, and in the house which has paid for. It would be more impressive if you told them you were going to use your extra day, say, to get some more qualifications or learn a new skill (e.g. in IT) , or to go volunteering or whatever.

I try to do things as a family but they always want to do their own thing, even in the evening.
I personally feel like this is a heartless and unnecessary way to treat a child in their home-

For what ever reason they are unhappy with you being in their house at 23.

I do find that odd - as I'd hope my kids will always be welcome and tend to like a full house at the moment.

However I do wonder if you are in someway hard work - or like my brother view parenst house as somehow there family home ie yours in someway - brother was odd after bereavement Dmum had to have words that it was her house and he got no say it who came in and did things for her - he still got stuff in their house and he in his 50s - keeps being told to move it does a bit then stops.