To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

In relation to the outstanding loans, I'd set the wheels in motion to reclaim the outstanding amounts, even if you have to go to the Small Claims Court to get it.

Get it in writing that you loaned them X amount for Y purposes, and amount C for Z purposes and then the outstanding amount to be repaid to you is R. Send it to them signed by both your DH and you and send it recorded mail so they have to accept it. In that letter say that they have 14 days from the sale of the holiday home to repay it in full or that you will take them to the SCC to reclaim it.

You don't want to go down the legal route but you will if you have to.

Best of luck to you.

Whoops didn’t read the whole thread . Glad you stood up to them. That should see the back of them - doubt you’ll hear from them again !

They're CF, don't give them another penny. Are they buying things like mopeds for your DC's? The cheek that they expect you to pay for their transport is unbelievable and just hand over 10 grand for them to get through, jokers.
I've got siblings, we would never expect this from each other. It's nothing to do with you being an only child, this isn't normal, they are trying to manipulate you.

They have got an absolutely cheek! They should be grateful for every penny! If that was me I’d be mortified and embarrassed until I had paid it all back. Some people never cease to amaze me.

I am outraged on your behalf that your "D"H gives away your money! You need to ensure that money is accessible to you only and not your H. You should ensure it's secure and never let him have another penny - including anything he personally wants to squander it on! If he wants to give his Brother money he can earn it!

They seem to want to spend your money rather than their own - good plan but surely they must have realised you'd not fund their life style forever?

I read a bit more of the thread because I assumed you did not have dc, but you do have dc actually! Who gives away money when they have their own dc? Your money is for you and your dc and dh has no right to give his or your money away. Gave it to an artist too, why? Your dh is a little weasel to have ever started this. Should have said no from the start. Dh earns far too little to pretend to be the big provider- man

A holiday cottage! They are taking the piss.

But it also sounds like your h is quite free with your/joint money. £500 to a painter without asking you?? Wtf??

And he should be making it very clear that the decision is joint, rather than saying, oh 'Mrs MoneyTree and I say no'. Sounds like he has been remiss there.

Wow.

Glad you saw them off OP. Now do you need a new family member to replace them because I'm available 😄

But seriously you have been unbelievably generous and I once more, and not first the first time since my short time on mumsnet, can't believe people like this exist.

Well this is great news op, maybe they'll never want to speak to you again. I'd take that as a huge win!

Because of their attitude towards you and the fact they think that you should subsidise them financially, I’d be taking them to a small claims court and demanding back what they already owe you!

No you do not have to give them 10K. You have given the ungrateful greedy people enough already

DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

No more help or presents for DNiece, I hope, if that's her reaction to being given half the money for a moped. Why can't she just take the bus, anyway?

They’ve got a holiday cottage and asking you for money? Absolutely unbelievable. CF of the highest order. Your DH should also be telling them not to speak about you in any derogatory fashion. You’ve been very generous. Enough.

I would insist they pay back everything that they owe you- with interest- then cut off all contact with them. Bunch of spongeing, ungrateful b'stards.
I've said before there are always givers and takers in life.

YANBU.
It is good to be generous to people when they need it through no fault of their own. I do it, I can afford it, I love my hardworking family. But these people are ungrateful and ridiculous. No more Lady Bountiful.

If your DB can't make his business work without constant handouts, it sounds like it's time to jack it in and get a real job.

They own a holiday home? I'm thinking that needs to go on the market. And I'm thinking you pay market rate if you ever use it.

The fact that your DH is happy to gift others your inheritance is what you should be worrying about, OP. I would remove your savings sharpish so what ever he decides to donate to others is from his pocket.

Rude, ungrateful bastards. Don't give them another penny.

10-3-5- a quarter of a mop… that is it. You paid it already.

Sums are getting higher and higher and they just are shameless. They surely don’t count on you as family the way they turned on you asap you said no.

10k to see them through?
To what? Barbados?
YANBU

Dont give them anymore mone, you’ve done more than enough to help them. Tell them the money is not accessible, which is likely to be true. If you want to help you daughter in the future it may be good to tie up money so it can’t be touched. Hope you’ve updated your will, some of my family money was distributed to my half sisters half siblings, nothing to do with me. But due to not getting legal matters organised. Look after your daughter’s inheritance. We don’t know the future.xx sorry to sound pessimistic.

Grabby, entitled fuckers who expect everyone else to fund their lifestyle? Fuck that.

Can't believe you let your DH go along with it with your money.

I'd push to have the loan repaid and take them to small claims over it to get it formalised if they won't do so.

They sound absolutely appalling people. I wouldn't be at all worried about "tearing the family apart"- the family is well shot of them.

Good luck with getting the loans back, I would definitely go the legal route because they need to learn a lesson.

I think YABU for helping them as much as you have done. After the first loan not paid back that would have been it for me - if they'd been honest in the first place and said we are really struggling and don't know if/when we can pay it all back and you'd loaned it on that basis that's one thing. But screwing you over and then asking for more - no. Absolutely not.