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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

303 replies

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

OP posts:
Spendysis · 01/09/2024 00:16

You need to set boundaries and have a word with your dh they are adults they cant keep expecting someone else to bail them out I know it's difficult when its family

My own experience of this is with my dsis I have bailed her out numerous times she has put me in difficult situations asked me to be a loan guarantor numerous times despite at the time me working very part time so dh wages despite her as a single person earning more than us at the time and we were a family of 4 I always used to put incorrect details so it declined

She has borrowed tens of thousands from dm over the years in her younger days dm used to lecture her about being crap with money we all just accepted and rolled our eyes. It came to light a year ago when dm wanted to check her bank balance as she was no longer getting statements that dsis had taken £10k out of her account without her knowledge she had downloaded her banking app and was helping herself

We had a very polite family discussion where i advised she may get in trouble if the bank picks up on the transfers to her account depreciation of assets blah blah

This was a year ago dsis has blocked me and my family removed me as power of attorney i got an alert from the land registry she's done an equity release on dm house not sure on dm level of capacity as my relationship with her is now strained as it is with family friends as no idea what dsis has told them about why we don't speak which is dsis choice not mine and dm thinks she changed her will recently

Dsis is currently being investigated by office of public guidance and the police

So my advice is nip it in the bud now this has escalated because we have always bailed her out so she has continued to live beyond her means knowing there are no consequences to her actions she's early 50s now not sure what she will do when dm dies and she blows all the inheritance she gets which she will but that's not my problem anymore

BorsetshireBanality · 01/09/2024 09:36

Make a list of all the times and amounts of all the times you have helped them out, Next time someone moans about your lack of “generosity” tell them you have been very generous in the past but now the moneytree atm is shut.

If they are dissing you to everyone you need to throw some shade back in return!

Greydays3 · 01/09/2024 10:07

I cannot believe you have tolerated your husband bleeding your inheritance for his grifter brother.
Unbelievable.
OP, you are being made a huge mug of.

Why can you not see how badly behaved your husband has been?
He sounds like a lazy selfish waster.
Generous with your money.
Tell him get a bloody job.
Stop paying for everything.
You are being used and are the family mug/work horse.
I would be going after repayment legally.
That you 100% expect the loans to be repaid in full.

Your husband and his brother are users and losers.
Wake up and find your anger.

You deserve so much better than this.
Absolutely outrageous that they have a second property, yet are bleeding you for money.
Protect yourself.

BorsetshireBanality · 01/09/2024 10:46

Yes, they are going through your DH to get to your inherited cash.

FarmGirl78 · 01/09/2024 12:48

If I was you OP, DN wouldn't get so much as Christmas card off me from now on. It sounds like she's the one who doesn't know the meaning of hard work.

BlackShuck3 · 01/09/2024 12:50

Dsis is currently being investigated by office of public guidance and the police
@Spendysis
😯
It sounds as if your light fingered sister is about to get a very unpleasant comeuppance! 😬

llizzie · 01/09/2024 17:31

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Put most of the remainder into your pension pot, or in trust. That way, you will not have it to lend - or give away.

Wealth doesn't last forever. Your circumstances could change in a heartbeat. Put much of it where you cannot touch it.

Not for nothing was ''the rainy day'' coined.

Missingpop · 01/09/2024 17:34

You hysband needs to stand up to his pathetic brother useless sil & bratty niece & tell them the bank of freeloading is well & truly shut just because they think your minted doesn’t mean that you really are x

tommyhoundmum · 01/09/2024 17:43

You must keep your money. You never know when you might need it as you age.

I gave away many thousands over the years, supposed to be loans but of course these spend thrift types never have any money to make repayment. Some of that money would come in useful now. Good luck.

OVienna · 01/09/2024 17:47

Tell them to fuck right off.

HoppityBun · 01/09/2024 17:51

they have a holiday home! The cheek of them!

wasdarknowblond · 01/09/2024 17:56

You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

UhHuhHuH · 01/09/2024 17:58

This is one of the CF-iest threads I’ve ever read on MN.

Original poster
MrsMagicMoneyTree · 01/09/2024 18:04

@areallmotherslikethis my name is mud rather than his because they know it is my money and I’ve turned off the tap. However DH dressed it up as a joint decision, they were going to blame me.

Apparently they’re having the estate agent round to value the holiday home next week.

OP posts:
Nightjar33 · 01/09/2024 18:08

Do they see your husband as a soft touch who will give them what they want.
Dont really understand how they have the cheek to keep asking. Their attitudes would stop me from giving them another penny. A firm no and don’t ask again would be my reply!

jazzybelle · 01/09/2024 18:08

So, you've had a larger inheritance and it sounds like they feel that they are entitled to a share of it?

Prettytiles · 01/09/2024 18:11

Holy moly these people are scavengers expecting all this cash with no intention of paying it back.

It’s a no from me.

Yalta · 01/09/2024 18:13

I wouldn’t be leaving much in the joint account

Your dh could well mean everything he says when talking to you but could he be guilted into giving something when talking to bil

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/09/2024 18:14

Well, your name being mud with these greedy beggars is a good thing I think - they are the ones falling out with everybody. If they come crawling back looking for more money (and I would bet my Devon holiday home they will) just repeat "No, it caused bad feeling before and family is so much more important than money". Perhaps accompanied by a tinkly laugh.

user7853156780 · 01/09/2024 18:15

Fuck that!
They’ve not paid previous loans back.
They own a holiday house.
They need to learn to live within their means. Cheeky fuckers!

DreamTheMoors · 01/09/2024 18:18

They’re slagging you off?? That’s rich.

”I might have considered a small loan had you repaid any of the previous loans you have neglected to repay.”
Do not say you’re sorry, don’t apologise, don’t feign remorse or regret. Do tell your spouse and his family to kiss your rosy red arse.
And whatever you do, do NOT let them guilt you.
You have the moral high ground in every possible way in this little drama. This is the absolute perfect time to excuse yourself from this shitshow of a sideshow of a family.

CalmMintReader · 01/09/2024 18:20

MrsMagicMoneyTree · 31/08/2024 11:23

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

They are blatantly taking advantage. Just take the high ground and keep saying no, no explanation needed. It’s your money and you’ve helped them enough. If they have a second home, it’s absurd to be asking you for money.

Jeschara · 01/09/2024 18:21

They are free loaders of the highest order. Your BIL is a scavenging dick.
Do not give these people another penny. Vile individuals and entitled too.

Blogswife · 01/09/2024 18:21

No ! Tell them you have no more to give or loan them and any spare is going to your DD.
If they moan tell them they still owe you for all of the loans in the past and ask for their proposals to repay it

coldcallerbaiter · 01/09/2024 18:23

So they have a holiday cottage and did not pay you back for the car and boiler. Now they want 10k. You are a massive mug OP. In a way people this stupid getting targeted is not surprising.