To think I can’t carry on being Lady Bountiful forever

[MrsMagicMoneyTree]

So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K), DH earned about half that and is now retired. Two years ago I received a significant inheritance.

So the problem started before that. DH’s brother is self employed and work is thin on the ground at the moment (and has been for some time). Five years ago, he asked us for a loan of £3000 for a new boiler, paid back £1000 said it was all they could afford. Three years ago it was £5000 for a new van. DH gave him the money, not expecting to see it back (and we haven’t). Last month it was money for DNiece’s moped so that she could get to college. I said we’d pay half but her mother (not DBIL’s wife) should pay the rest. She moaned and DH’s parents paid a quarter and DNiece’s mother scraped together the rest.

I overheard DBIL on the phone to DH yesterday, asking for £10K to “see them through.” I told DH I overheard and the answer was no. DSIL earns at least what I do, and they also have a holiday cottage that they could either rent out or sell if money is that tight. DH has relayed the message and it didn’t go down well, and my name is now mud and I “don’t care about family or what it’s like to have a sibling as I’m an only child.” DNiece has also slagged us off for not paying the full cost of her moped, saying that we are snobs and don’t know what hard work is like.

AIBU to stand my ground? My plans for the inheritance were to help my DC get on the housing ladder, not to chuck it into a bottomless pit for people who should be sorting themselves out.

Such free loading fuckers. Good work in saying no!

If they knew your husband was sending 500£ a month to some artist, I don’t blame them for trying their luck.

I can simply never get over the amount of CF that goes on.
The niece sounds a treat - going on about doing a day’s work while she is whizzing about on a moped paid for by…. you!
Your parents clearly worked hard and passed on everything to you, not to fund random relatives.
It is clear this BIL enjoys getting others to pick up the tab - and how nice of him to talk about his dad like that!
Losing these people from your life will make you richer in every way and I’m sure your in laws value you.
Leave your DH to have a relationship with his brother if he wants.
As for the holiday home, it’s gold standard CF.
Who needs 10k to tide them over? What for?
Enjoy your inheritance, be wise, but it’s definitely time to treat yourself a bit.
These people never cease to amaze me!

@MrsMagicMoneyTree hello, I feel we must be related.
I put a chat up last week about the number of friends and family who wanted to know how much my new job was paying. I am going to be working in an investment based role with an overseas employer
The requests for help started immediately.
During my career I housed three family members, paid all my parents care and siblings chldrens holidays when they were little. I often bought uniforms and food. We gave cars and tech. Christmas at ours was a given.
When I fell ill and couldn't work they disappeared. I borrowed £2k off a millionaire friend, paid it back with interest and a huge gift yet I still get asked my financial details 16 years later. Ditto a cousin who now tells everyone my business. She has no issue telling her friends in front of me if I visit. I'm nearly 60 ffs. What I didn't tell anyone was the recent share holding I was given by the founder of a company I helped in the early days for nowt.
I shall laugh my socks off next year when they vest and I move to the coast. They're getting no freebies from me. The atm is closed.
People are cheeky bastards. Say no and buy art, clothes and fast cars. I intend to.

Jesus - 'grey rock' them. I understand this is term Mnetters use although not sure what it means. Grey rock them! Shocking behaviour from them and they're taking the p. You will also be enabling them to be irresponsible if you carry on - and you'll be broke!

With their attitude they would spend it and be back for more.

@MrsMagicMoneyTree So I have always been a highish earner (not in MN terms, but around £70K)

lol

Ha, it won’t be that easy to shake them off. Unless you move to a studio flat by the coast they will be lining up for a free holiday with lots of day trips and fancy vittles!

People always say stuff like this, it's easy to be generous with imaginary money, I always wonder if they would change their minds when faced with the reality.

Do people have no shame. How people consistently expect others to bail them out and parents/relatives to be bottomless pits of money is beyond me.
You have done far more than your fair share OP and instead of gratitude the stakes just get higher with each ask. They are cfs - time to cut them off and feel no guilt in doing so.

Your “inheritance has now all been tied up, locked into your pension” (i.e. inaccessible) is a bounary that you might want to use.

They need to be told and understand that you are expecting the boiler/van loans to be repaid - that’s money they are depriving your children of.

So they have been living beyond their means for years and instead of cutting their coat to suit their cloth, they have continued with the luxury lifestyle and expecting you to use your late parents money to fund them?

Good for you for turning off the money tap. I would bet my house that their justification is simply "Well she can afford it". Its amazing how kind people get taken advantage of on the basis of that one statement!

You have been extremely generous and they have taken the piss. It doesn’t matter how much you earn, you don’t lend without having the means or intentions of paying back…. And you are well within your rights to say no and receive no push back!

😂😂😂 it's very easy to give away imaginary money

And why on earth would OP give away her inheritance to a pair of CFs who she has no relationship with apart from the bad luck to be related to them by marriage???!

Don't be so daft.

Or they have so much money they won't even notice it!

Nothing wrong with that. Art is important. People have been patronising artists for centuries.

They wouldn't get a penny more from us -EVER!

Sweet jesus. Cut them loose the parasites. I'm sorry to say it's your own fault for letting this happen multiple times. Once should be enough. Ridiculous situation in my opinion.
If you think your husband is going to fold I'd be making sure he has absolutely no access to your money by the way. Don't wait for it to happen if you think it might.

“Sorry, no. I’m not a bank.”

YABU to have given your rude and selfish DN a penny for her moped! ungrateful little cow!

I am shocked they think, they should be bailed out, they must be living outwith their means if they can't live off the wife's salary if she earns similar to you and they have a holiday home they could rent out. That is insane and they think you should contribute to the nieces moped.

True!

I think they have had their treats already.

I've always been happy to help out my DC and DGC but honestly wouldn't consider it for anybody else.

Yes don't help out family.praps they can't sort it out.mumsnet think 70 grand is low.my god